Can't Fight the Moonlight
by savinglives44
Summary: AddisonAlex MeredithDerek MarkIzzie Addek friendship. Something terrible happens to Addison and it's a long road to recovery.
1. No One's Gonna Be Around

**Disclaimer: Characters belong to ABC. No infringement is intended. **

Can't Fight the Moonlight

_Under a lovers' sky _

_Gonna be with you_

_And no one's gonna be around._

The first time Alex saw the scars, he ignored them.

It was the night of Cristina and Burke's wedding. Alex and Addison were sitting on the floor of the women's bathroom of the reception hall. (Long story, don't ask.)

Alex asked about the scars. Addison said they were nothing.

Alex believed her. _Why shouldn't I? _ Addison was so put together, seamless actually. It seemed impossible that she would…_Maybe a dog scratched her. Or maybe she rubbed against something that tore her skin._

_Several times._

But Alex's subconscious wouldn't let him get away with denial.

So he made excuses. _People lose control sometimes. Self-injury is a release of stressful emotions. Releases are healthy. She wasn't taking her anger out on someone else. She wasn't attempting suicide. The cuts aren't deep._

So he let it go. What was he supposed to do? Alex was used to being the victim, not the savior.

He sat there on the bathroom floor, thinking about all of this. Making the decision to stay silent, he moved her off of his lap and put his clothes on as she sat completely still.

When he finished, he helped her to dress her. Alex pulled the dress over her head and fastened it carefully. Addison stood numbly until he took her hand and led her outside.

Everyone noticed a transformation in Addison's disposition. Richard, who knew Addison loved to grind to music, especially against attractive men, watched her suspicious behavior, as Addison would only dance to ballads that night.

She barely uttered a word all evening, other than "I'm fine."

Addison sat in her chair and watched the reception pass before her eyes. Everyone moved in slow motion, but somehow, it all happened so quickly. Before she knew it, she was at home with Alex, who hadn't said a word to her since the incident in the bathroom. Sure, she wouldn't have replied anyway, but she would like to be acknowledged. _Why is he ignoring me? He should want to know about the cuts. Does he even care? _ Addison wondered as Alex tucks her into bed. She sits up. _That's silly. Of course he cares._

_That's why it's so weird that he hasn't said anything. What's he thinking? _She watches him as he climbs in the bed next to her. He tugs her down so she's lying on the bed and kisses her lips. He eyes bore into hers. "I love you."

She wraps her good arm around his neck and pulls him on top of her. "I love you too." She whispers.

They watch each other for a while before Alex rolls over to his side. He's exhausted and falls asleep quickly. It takes Addison an hour or two of distractive thinking until her eyes close. Her hand winds into his t-shirt for the remainder of the night.

* * *

Laughing, Derek Shepherd opens the door to "La Maison de Intern". Meredith follows him, stumbling. Both consumed enough alcohol at the wedding to be sufficiently tipsy. They fall down into the chairs at the kitchen table.

"Making out was really fun." Meredith comments.

"Yeah. Wanna do it again?" Derek leans in to kiss her. She pushes him away.

"Nah. Your breath stinks."

Derek laughs. "You too."

Meredith wrinkles her nose. "That's not very nice."

"I'm sorry. Your breath is very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very very..." He pauses. "What were we talking about?"

Meredith giggles. "You were complimenting my breath."

Derek tilts his head. "Oh. Right. Your breath is... is...shiny."

Meredith nods in approval. "Thank you very much. Is it bright also?"

Derek is too busy fiddling with a pen to respond. Meredith reaches for the pen, but slides out of her chair and onto the floor instead. "Whoops." She bends down to remove her shoes. " Addison helped me with my shoes today. It was very hard to do, but Addison is smart."

"Yes. Very smart." Derek repeats.

Meredith lies on her back. "Yes. She was." She fidgets on the floor. " Addison spent a lot of time with Alex in the bathroom today.

"Meredith, remember? Alex was sick. Don't you remember?"

Meredith shakes her head, messing her hair. "I think he was lying. He just wanted to get some sex, I think. I bet they were doing something naught." Meredith giggles again.

Derek falls on the floor next to her. "They were not."

"Were too."

He crawls up her body. "Were not."

She pulls his legs so he's straddling her. "Were too."

He leans in and whispers "Were not."

She covers his mouth with her hand. "Derek! Stinky breath! And were too."

He mutters "Sorry." and waits for her to make the next move. Suddenly her eyes light up. "Derek! I have the best idea! And it involves making out."

Derek's face perks up. "What is it?! Tell me now!! Meredith!"

Meredith points up the stairs. "If we brush our teeth, our breath won't be stinky." She gestures with her hands as let him fill in the blanks. He just looks confused.

Meredith sighs. Sometimes neurosurgeons could be really stupid. "If our breath isn't stinky, we can make out again! And making out is fun!!"

"Oh! Let's do that!" Derek claps his hands.

Meredith waits for him to get off. When he doesn't, she pushes him. "Get off, Derek! The faster we go, the faster we get to have fun!" She scrambles up the stairs. Derek stands there for a moment, then follows her a second behind.

* * *

Addison lies awake in her house. Alex is beside her, but he's not awake. She's restless and she can't just count ceiling cracks the whole night. She throws on a robe and heads down the stairs. Slightly hung-over, she opens a window and feels the cool air hit her. It's so refreshing. Her body feels like it's on fire. She opens the front door of her house and steps outside. _Ahh. _She runs her feet and toes through the dewy grass as she walks to the sidewalk near her house. It's a new subdivision, so most of the houses are in different stages of building. She admires the houses and continues down the path. _Now that's interesting. I like the layout of that one. The fireplace is-_

A hand shoots out and covers her mouth from behind. Dry lips are pressed to her ear and a scratchy voice whispers "Don't move." Strong arms pull her to the ground.

Addison wishes she could scream or kick or fight. But she's too stunned and frightened. So she lies there out in the dewy grass that used to cool the fire within her. At least she can see his face. But as soon as she takes a mental picture, she looks away and winces.

* * *

This is like the shortest chapter I've ever written. But I might just like it anyway.

This is the actual sequel to Right Kind of Wrong. (Guess my favorite movie.) It's going to be a little more angsty, but don't worry, I can't write anything without a little humor. And if you haven't read Right Kind of Wrong, you might want to, although it isn't necessary.

Please review. Because if I don't get a lot of reviews, I become depressed and I don't write. That's how it works.

And that's all I'm going to say about reviewing.

Actually, that's all I'm going to say.

Have a nice day. Or evening. :)


	2. You Think That You Won't Fall

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 2: You Think That You Won't Fall

_You think that you won't fall_

_Just wait until the sun goes down_

Alex roused in his sleep. His hands blindly searched Addison's side of the bed, looking for comfort and warmth. But all he grasped was soft white sheets and a fluffy pillow. He opened his eyes to an empty bed.

Instantly, he panicked. _Where was Addison? What if she was hurting herself again? She could be dead somewhere! _

Adrenaline pumps through Alex's body, giving him a rude awakening. He jumps off of the bed and checks the master bathroom first. Normally, the bathroom gave off a warm, feminine aura. But tonight, the eerie glare of moonlight flickers across the cold tile floor, magnifying every shadow. He prepares to find her on the floor somewhere, bleeding out. Alex is scared to death. After no sign of her in the bathroom or the closet, Alex descends down the stairs. He heads to the kitchen first, where the knives are. His teeth grind as he rounds the corner. Finally, it occurs to him to turn on the light. The room becomes less frightening, but Alex still has an anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach.

After thoroughly searching the kitchen, Alex's mind began to wonder. _Still no trace of her. She's disappeared. Is she hiding from me? _Alex shakes his head. _She wouldn't do that. _Alex continues to walk around the house checking every nook and cranny. He pauses for a moment, staring out the window. His eyes are drawn to an unusual white amidst all the darkness. _It's Addison_. She's lying in the wet grass wearing a white robe.

Alex's first instinct is to assume death. Everything inside of him drops. He fumbles with the lock on the front door, hands shaking. _This must be a nightmare. I've never experienced something so terrible in my entire life._

Finally, the lock on the door frees away and he sprints outside. He kneels beside her body, looking for traces of blood. None are found. Addison moans and Alex feels a flood of relief. But it's not the same relief that he felt when he finally made love to Addison after a month of abstinence. This rush of feelings almost made him sick to his stomach. "Addison! Addison!" She breathed in and out, unable to speak.

Alex kept repeating her name. "Addison! Are you okay? What are you doing out here?!"

Addison didn't know what to say. She was still in shock of the whole experience. She looks down at her body, thankful that the darkness is hiding her bruises. Alex pulls her up to sit on the ground and she clings to him. Only then does she realize how cold she is, and how wet the ground feels against her. It's a numbing ache and Alex tries to relieve her of the pain. "Let's get you inside before you freeze to death." Alex cradles her in his arms and lifts her. As he walks her back to the house, he rubs her skin, trying to produce friction and heat. He carries her all the way back to their bed and places her down.

Alex needs an explanation. _Should I call an ambulance? She looks…terrified. _He reaches for the phone, but her hand stops him. It's like an icicle and he drops the phone to grab her and warm her. Her voice shakes and she makes little whimpering noises. Alex just throws several blankets over her before wrapping her in his arms. _There's no substitute for body heat. But she does need to dry off. _

Addison shifts in his arms to look at him. "Shower?" she whispers. Alex nuzzles her chin and releases her. He helps her off of the bed and flips on the light. "No!" Addison shields her eyes and Alex immediately turns them back off. "Better?" Addison nods, but Alex can't see her. He reaches for her to bring her into the bathroom. "Don't fall. It's dark."

Alex lets her go and turns on the shower to a comfortable temperature. She removes her robe and shuts the blinds. Alex watches her undress. _Why did she go outside with only a robe on? No undergarments whatsoever. It's very mysterious, but I shouldn't push it. She's in a fragile emotional state and I can't break her, no matter what the cost. _

Addison feels self-conscious without any clothing on. _The bruises are light, but tomorrow they'll be much worse. I'll just deal with it later. Right now, I need to get his touch off of my skin. _It was the first step to recovery. Addison steps into the shower and adjust the temperature of the water to an almost scalding hot. She hears Alex outside of the shower. "Want me to join you?"

"No thanks." she replies. She grabs the washcloth and scrubs EVERYWHERE, removing all traces of what has happened. She runs through the process three times to make sure that every bit of him has left her body. Her skin is red and irritated, but Alex won't notice. Only she can feel the pain.

After thirty minutes, Alex feels tortured, having to wait for her. He sits on the counter with a large fluffy towel watching her shape move in the shower. He can't see what she's doing, but he's sure that she's hitting several places repeatedly. _Is this because she doesn't want to be with me? Because she's scared I might "tell" on her about the cuts? I have to make sure she knows that I will help her get better. She needs me to support her. _

To do this, Alex needs a little more information. _What she doing sleeping outside on a cold spring morning?_ When she steps out of the shower fifty minutes after she entered, Alex expects these answers. He wraps her in the towel and squeezes her hair out. He turns her around to look at her.

"Are you going to tell me what you were doing out there?"

Addison had the entire shower to think up an excuse. She tells him the best one that she could come up with. "I was hot in here, so I went for a walk. The grass looked so nice and cool, so I decided to lie down. And I fell asleep." She searches his eyes for believability.

Alex crosses his arms. "Addison, I deserve the truth."

Addison hesitates. "It is."

_Why do I feel like she's lying to me?_

_Probably because she is. _"Are you sure?"

Addison nods. "Yes." _Make a joke, it makes it more realistic. _"I know it sounds like the stupidest thing ever…"

Alex shifts on his feet. "But it doesn't sound like you." He lets his hand graze her cheek. She closes her eyes. His palm feels so good against her…

Alex sees the pleasure in her face. He takes his hand and moves it over her face, memorizing every wrinkle and pore. "Are you okay?"

Addison puts her hand against his on her cheek. "Yes. I'm fine. I don't want to talk about it." _What am I going to say if he asks more?_

Alex leans in to kiss her. "Don't worry about it. As long as you're okay…"

Addison walks toward the bedroom. "I am. Do you wanna go to bed?" She gives him her hand and he takes it.

"Yeah. I do."

* * *

Mark Sloan leans against the wall of a patient's room, watching Izzie. She was talking to the patient with caring and comforting eyes.

_Izzie has a knack for tending to emotional needs. We'd make a good team. She could do all of the talking, and I could operate. _

Mark wants to take her to dinner tonight. They'd had a good time at the wedding. He had been a gentleman, dropping her off with only a goodnight kiss.

But Mark had no idea how much that kiss had drove Izzie crazy.

Nor did he know the kiss was all that Izzie could think about. She blushed every time their eyes met.

Mark thought it was just the natural color of her skin.

Izzie's hair shone in curls and her cheeks were rosy as she grinned at him. She turns her attention back to the patient.

Mark frowns. He doesn't like how the patient is looking at her. He knows what happened with Denny, so he marks his territory now. Mark walks over to the bedside. "Doctor Stevens, I think we're finished here. Will you please join me outside?"

Izzie touches the patient's arm. "I hope you feel better, Mr. Barnum."

The patient smiles. "Please, call me Tom."

Mark pulls on Izzie's arm. "Let's go." As soon as they are gout of the room and out of sight, he moves close to her.

"What?" Izzie murmurs. _Kiss me. Kiss me now, damn it. _Mark leans in and stops when their lips are milimeters apart. Izzie groans and closes her eyes. Mark smirks. "How would you like to have a free dinner at the restaurant of your choice?"

Izzie tilts her head. "Sounds good." She closes the distance between them and presses her lips to his for a moment. Taking his bottom lip between hers, she teases him with the right amount of pressure. When she comes up for air, she pulls away and starts walking down the hallway. Then, she stops and turns around. "Ocean World at seven, okay?"

Mark smiles. "Yeah, it's perfect."

She points at him. "You make the reservations." Before he can respond, she's gone.

Mark flips open his cell phone and dials a number. "Derek? Yeah. Where the hell is Ocean World? Yeah. It's a restaurant. She wants to go THERE?!"

* * *

Addison and Alex walk solemnly into the hospital, holding hands. Ever since the night before, Alex has tried to remain as connected to her as possible. When they reach the lobby, he turns her around in his arms. She looks anguished in long black pants and a modest white blouse. Her outfit is very un-Addison-like. All the male doctors will be disappointed today, as Addison usually likes to wear clothes that compliment her natural figure.

Alex squeezes her shoulders to get her attention. Lately, she's been randomly spacing off and Alex is very worried. "Addison, are you sure that you're okay?"

Addison musters up a weak smile. "Yeah Alex. Of course. I'll see you during rounds." She kisses him goodbye and manages to catch the elevator before the doors close.

Alex watches the elevator for a few minutes, just trying to pull his thoughts together. _Okay, Alex. There's no need to worry. She's FINE. She told you herself. Just leave her alone and she'll come to you if she needs help. _

His train of thoughts are interrupted by Derek Shepherd. He grins. "You know, it's easier if you press the button, instead of trying to will the elevator down by mind power."

Alex ignores his conscience and laughs a little. "Yeah, I know. Sorry. I'm just a little distracted."

Derek nods in agreement. "I know the feeling."

Before the doors open, Alex gathers up the courage to ask Derek about Addison. "Hey. You were married to Addison for eleven years. So, you know her pretty well, right?"

Derek laughs and steps into the elevator. "I guess you could say that. Why?"

As others enter the elevator, Alex continues to speak. "Well, has she ever had any problems? Like psychological?" He whispers the next part, so only Derek can hear. "Like with...hurting herself?"

Derek's hand stops the elevator doors before they close.

* * *

Here's the next chapter! I hope it lived up to your expectations.

Next chapter: McStizzie date. Alex and Derek talk and try to make Addison feel better.

Thanks for reading!


	3. It'll Steal Your Heart Tonight

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 **

Can't Fight the Moonlight

Chapter 3: It'll Steal Your Heart Tonight

_Underneath the starlight, starlight_

_There's a magical feeling so right_

_It'll steal your heart tonight_

* * *

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight..._

_Before the doors open, Alex gathers up the courage to ask Derek about __Addison__. "Hey. You were married to __Addison__ for eleven years. So, you know her pretty well, right?" _

_Derek laughs and steps into the elevator. "I guess you could say that. Why?" _

_As others enter the elevator, Alex continues to speak. "Well, has she ever had any problems? Like psychological?" He whispers the next part, so only Derek can hear. "Like with...hurting herself?" _

_Derek's hand stops the elevator doors before they close. _

As Derek exited the elevator, he pulled on Alex's arm and pushed him into one of the chairs in the lobby. Then, he sat straight across from Alex. "What do you mean, hurting herself?"

Alex shifts uncomfortably in his chair. This was going to be a very awkward conversation. Alex had trouble talking about any personal problems, much less that of his girlfriend. Especially discussing them with her ex-husband. "I think it's pretty clear what I mean." He couldn't just straight out say "Your ex-wife is cutting herself." It requires too much courage on his part.

Derek seemed extremely troubled by Alex's words. Alex didn't expect Derek to be this, well, concerned. Even after eleven years of marriage, Alex had never seen Derek look at Addison very closely, except out of jealousy.

Derek ran his fingers over his chin, picking at the stubble that had formed over the weekend. "How long?"

Alex did not want to have this conversation. His legs were itching to run away. _No, this is about __Addison_"How long since I noticed?"

Derek nods and leans forward placing his elbows on his knees. He's ready to analyze every single word that comes out of Alex's mouth. Alex rambles on, but he doesn't know why. He just really wants to get out of there, but he doesn't want to talk to Derek at all. "I don't know...the first time, I suppose was around...I guess, maybe...the time of the wedding."

As Alex talks, Derek taps his hand on the armrest of the chair. _Jesus. How long does it take this guy to spit out a simple sentence? This is __Addison__ we're talking about. _"That was only a couple of days ago. Maybe something happened recently. How bad was it?"

Now it's too much for Alex. He has to get out of there. If he gave Derek any more information, Addison would never trust him again with her personal business. "She'll be fine. It's okay. I really have to get. I have rounds." Alex stands up to leave, but Derek blocks his way.

"I know it's hard, but you have to tell me what's going on. We can help her, that's what you want, right?" Derek takes a deep breath. "She won't be fine. I know she cuts."

This angers Alex. _SHE TOLD HIM? Why does she feel like she has to keep it a secret from me? And why has nothing been done?? _"She told you?!"

Derek scolds himself. _That was a stupid thing to say. You have to convince Alex that you're not the enemy. _"No. She told Meredith and Meredith told me. They've formed some sort of connection...but anyway, you shouldn't be concerned about that."

Alex was losing it. All this stuff with Addison was stressing him out. Luckily, work has been pretty breezy for Alex. He hasn't killed someone for almost a week.

But, right now, he reached up into his hair, trying to soothe himself, which was proving to be impossible with Derek Shepherd standing there trying to be the hero and solve all of the problems. "Then, what should I be concerned about? You seem to have all the answers, so just tell me!"

Derek has never seen Alex unglued like this. He pushes Alex back down into the chair. Surprisingly, Alex obliges and calms down. Derek sits in the chair beside him to whisper. They don't need an audience for this conversation. "You said that she'll be fine. Do you really know that? The cuts aren't deep now, but they will be."

Alex just wants to clasp his hands over his ears so he doesn't have to hear more of Shepherd's psychological theory about Addison. "Stop it." he hisses through his teeth.

Derek tilts his head, in his McDreamy way. _This doesn't usually work on men, but I can always try. _"She needs you, Alex. Just talk to her about it. Maybe you can get her some help."

"No!" Alex was about to start yelling. He reminded himself: _Shepherd's your superior. You can't do this. _"I've gained her trust and I'm not about to throw it all away, just because of a stupid assumption. She'll be FINE." He gets up to leave again, but Derek raises an arm to stop him. "Alex. I need you to understand. I made the same mistake."

Alex pushes him away. "What the hell are you talking about, man?" _Does he think I'm stupid? I've been a better boyfriend in these past few months than he was in the decades they were together._

Derek rises, but doesn't make any advances on Alex. "You think that it will be okay. You think that you can help her by holding her and telling her that you love her. It's not enough. You're not enough. She needs professional help."

Alex shook his head. "I'm not you, Dr. Shepherd. I won't ignore her when she needs me. We'll get through this together. Don't worry about it. And I would appreciate it if you minded your own business." With that last statement, Alex left.

Derek's mouth hung open. He couldn't believe Alex Karev had mouthed off to him like that. It was the last thing that he expected. Maybe Alex was right. He blindly dismissed Addison's problem when they were married.

He had to make it up to her. He needed to see her.

* * *

_Later that night..._

Mark Sloan has never been this nervous for a date.

Sitting in "Ocean World", he's actually wearing the blue sweater that Addison recommended, but he is feeling regretful because now he's sweating like a pig.

But he's not just nervous.

He's terror-stricken.

Mark HATES fish.

The moment that Derek mentioned the word "sushi", Mark almost threw up in his mouth. But he really wanted a shot with Izzie, so he would shove any raw fish down his throat without tasting or chewing.

Still, Mark shudders. All around the place, fish tanks stand with colorful piranhas, adding to the ambience of the restaurant. Eels and octopuses hang from the ceiling and it's really creeping Mark out. He taps his fork apprehensively against his plate.

Then, he sees her.

And she's so damn attractive that he would bite off an octopus leg just to be with her. He stands up as she approaches him and offers her a chair. "Hi. You look...amazing."

_What a gentleman. _"Thanks." They sit at the same time and she scoots to the table. "How are you?"

Mark grins. "Incredible. You?"

She laughs. "Good. But starving. Have you ordered yet?"

_She's talking about food already? Crap. _"No. I was just about to, though. You have perfect timing." He motions to the waitress.

_Okay, now he's just sucking up. _Izzie rolls her eyes as Mark scans the menu for something that's served with a proper cooking time. "Ahh...I think I'll have the teriyaki chicken."

Izzie takes the menu from him. "No. You can't order chicken when we're in the most amazing sushi restaurant in the city." She turns to the waiter. "We'll split an order of Unagi, California Rolls, and Salmon." The waiter makes a few small notes and leaves.

Mark gulps. Unagi does not sound like some sort of steak. "Are those all raw?"

Izzie nods and giggles at his expression. "Haven't you had sushi before? Don't worry, you'll love it."

Mark looks doubtful and takes a long swig of his drink. _Why is it so hot in here? _He adjusts his collar and returns his focus to Izzie. "You did really well on the Barnum surgery today. I'm really proud of you."

Izzie blushes. "Thanks." Ever since Denny, she loves getting compliments on her work.

Seeing that she was enjoying the attention, Mark continues. "Seriously. He really liked you and his recovery time will probably speed up because of it. We make a great team." _Look, she's smiling. Note to self: Praise her ability to work with others. _

Izzie wanted to talk about the surgery. "But in the OR, I did well there too, right?"

Mark brushed off the hint. "Of course, but you're really good at the interpersonal stuff. We'll be the new Cristina and Burke. Except without the deception. I'll deal with all the hard stuff and you can do what you do best. You know, make people feel better about themselves. We need a lot more of that in plastic surgery."

"Excuse me?" Izzie did not like what he was implying. "I want to be a surgeon." _And I certainly do NOT want to be the new Cristina and Burke._

Mark was so caught up in his little fantasy that he didn't even notice the change in Izzie's tone. "You will be. We'll work together, maybe even start a practice. I'll do the surgeries and you can talk to the patients."" _Crap. I don't want her coming on to another patient. I'd better backtrack and make a joke or something._ "But don't get too close to the patients. We don't want another lawsuit on our hands." He started laughing, but stopped abruptly when he saw the look on Izzie's face.

"Another LAWSUIT?!" Izzie screeched. "That's what you think I am?" _This is so humiliating and insulting! I didn't even cause a lawsuit!!_

"No, Izzie. I didn't mean it like that-"

"Just shut up, Mark!" Izzie stood up and her chair fell to the ground. On cue, the waiter brought their food. "I will NEVER even CONSIDER sleeping with you, or even dating you, for that matter again!" She grabbed the eel and slammed it in his face. "And guess what? This was a test and you FAILED! Derek told me that you HATE sushi ahead of time! Earlier, I was thinking that since you came anyway you really might care about me. I guess I was wrong."

She storms off, leaving Mark picking fish off his face. He sits at the table staring at all the food. He asks the waiter to bring him the bill.

At this very moment, Mark decides that he doesn't hate fish.

He DESPISES them with all the rage in every single cell in his body.

* * *

_Earlier, in the NICU:_

After his emotional conversation with Alex, Derek decided to make things right. He wanted to talk to Addison, to see the scars on her wrists, and to do something about it. He spotted her and she looked perfectly normal. She didn't seem depressed or sad in any way. Smiling at a baby in a crib, she let it play with her finger. Fortunately for Derek, she was alone in the nursery. He stood there, watching her for a while.

Addison stroked the baby's stomach, watching the lungs rise and collapse. It was relaxing. She could almost forget for a second, but then the memory was back. She closed her eyes, tears threatening to fall.

Derek decided that this would be a good time to move. She seemed fine for a moment, but in a flash her emotions could change. "Addison." he whispered softly, as not to scare her.

Addison knew immediately what he was up to. Derek would never come to see her unless Alex told him something that would cause Derek to worry. _He had seventeen years to worry. His time is up. _"Yeah, Derek?" She wipes her eyes.

He walks toward her slowly, cautious of the state she was currently in. "Why are you crying?"

She shook her head. "It's nothing."

Derek tried to lighten the mood. "Come on. You know you can't hide from me."

She still refused to talk and felt a lump rising in her throat. She looked to the baby for comfort. Her breathing relaxed as the baby gurgled.

Derek's eyes wondered into the crib as he put a hand on her shoulder and moved closer. "It's okay. You may fool Alex but you can't fool me." Her right hand was still on the baby's stomach and he placed his palm over her knuckles and lifted her hand of the crib. He moved slowly until her sleeve was in reach. Quickly, he pulled it back and grasped her hand tightly, unwilling to let go.

She cried out, but he was surprised at what he saw. He was expecting cuts, but only a series of dark bruises appeared. He wrestled with her slightly until the other arm was revealed. The left arm displayed more bruises, but also what Derek was looking for. "Did you hit yourself too? Did you cause the bruises?"

Addison's shoulders were shaking and she gagged on her sobs. A nurse was bound to come in at any second. She could NOT be seen like this. "Derek." she whines.

He has hold of both of her hands and he won't let go. " Addison, tell me."

Her head lowers and her hair covers her eyes. She knows that mascara must be unattractively dripping down her face. "Derek. You have to believe me. I didn't- It wasn't me who- did this."

He patiently waited for her to continue. _She just needs to let it out._

"Derek. Something horrible happened to me."

And just as she was about to tell him, the door clicked open.

* * *

That was fun. Sorry about the lack of McStizzie. I just really wanted to write more of Addison. 

Meredith might come into play sometime soon. Because there just has to be Mer/Der. Or else this story would be Addek. Which it's not.

I'm sorry because I really can't do the whole rape situation justice. I can't describe in words how terrible it must be because it's never happened to me. But I've really tried to read up on it, so I can get the most accurate portrayal possible.

But, hopefully, I've hit the self-harming stuff on target.

Next chapter is huge. Personally, I'm very excited. But it might take a while to get up because I'm going to wait until I'm ready to write it. Which means EXTREMELY emotionally charged. It's going to take a lot of brain power/ frustration for the words to fit just how I want.

But, since my other A/N's have been kind of low on word count, I will clue you into my thinking process just a little. I've changed the character's a bit. Sorry to ruin the essence of Grey's Anatomy, but I needed a break from the characters on the show. Derek is a dream that I made up. He CARES and it's very nice.

Don't get me wrong, Alex cares too, but he's not really in touch with what's really going on. He's in denial and a little bit of a control freak. He thinks that he can fix everything, but he CAN'T. He's realistic though. How do I know this? I've seen it. Derek is not realistic. I don't even think Derek exists. Maybe I just haven't found someone like him yet. Addison is a bunch of thoughts pulled together in my head. I don't know if she's real or not. I'll figure it out before I end this story. Don't worry I've still got like ten chapters.

And I'm shooting for ten reviews per chapter. Make it happen! Please and thank you. Hopefully, I've made a difference in SOMEONE's life, other than my own. Because feedback changes my life.

What was I talking about?

I am so not going to do well on my math test tomorrow. My head is FULL.


	4. Deep in the Dark

Disclaimer: See Chapter 1

THANK YOU SWEETNARCOSIS!

Can't Fight the Moonlight 

Chapter 4: Deep in the Dark

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight:_

_Addison__'s shoulders were shaking and she gagged on her sobs. A nurse was bound to come in at any second. She could NOT be seen like this. "Derek." she whines._

_He has hold of both of her hands and he won't let go. "_ _Addison__, tell me."_

_Her head lowers and her hair covers her eyes. She knows that mascara must be unattractively dripping down her face. "Derek. You have to believe me. I didn't- It wasn't me who- did this."_

_He patiently waited for her to continue. She just needs to let it out._

_"Derek. Something horrible happened to me."_

_And just as she was about to tell him, the door clicked open._

It was Callie, who didn't notice Derek as she turned around to shut the door behind her. "I could use a cons-" She stopped mid-sentence. _What is Shepherd doing, standing that close to her? After all the jealousy and pain, you'd think he'd grow some brain and stay away!_

Then, her face softened as she saw the tears in Addison's eyes. "Are you okay? What's going on?"

Addison stares at the floor, unable to answer. She's afraid that if she talks, she might slip and secrets just might come pouring out of her. As a semi-comforting distraction, she admires the tiles of the nursery floor. They are white, pure, and perfectly square. It doesn't surprise Addison that just looking at them relaxes her. She begins to count them, focusing her eyes on the neat, straight lines. _1…2…3…_

Derek's pager beeps. He swears under his breath and motions for Callie to come closer so he can whisper to her. "Watch her, will you? I'll be right back." Callie nods and he rubs Addison's shoulder.

Callie appears hesitant as she approaches Addison. "So, what's up?" She sticks her hands in the back pockets of her scrubs when she saunters over. "So, what's up?"

"Nothing." Addison replies in a monotone voice. Her eyes run up and down the rows of tiles. _33…34…35…_

_Why is she ignoring me? _" Addison? Is something wrong?"

"Oh. Sorry. Nothing." Addison replies in a monotone voice. Her eyes run up and down the rows of tiles. _33…34…35…_

_Okay. Something about her is definitely off. _Callie laughs nervously. "You know you can't lie to me. I don't believe you for a minute. Spill." Callie smiles, hoping her friendly tone will loosen the tension hanging in the air.

Addison steps back and pushes herself onto a nearby counter. She swings her legs and tilts her head so her hair forms a curtain over her face. Callie places a hand on Addison's knee, trying to read her facial expressions through the sheet of red. "Come on, you can tell me."

Addison brushes her hair away and finally looks at Callie.

Callie swallows. She's never seen Addison's eyes so dark and magnified by tears. It was like looking into the deepest league of the ocean, an intricate cerulean secret. Even after Addison had to deliver the stillborn, her eyes were light and her composure remained strong. But now, she's so torn apart that Callie couldn't help but look away.

Addison notices Callie's trouble. _Great. My best friend can't even see me like this. Who have I become? _She grips the counter so her knuckles turn white. _This wasn't supposed to happen. No one was supposed to notice. _Every muscle in her body tightens and her jaw clenches. Callie pats her knee. "Relax, Addison. You can get through this."

Addison squeezes her eyes shut and Callie panics . . . _What's wrong with her? Is it a panic attack? There are no signs…but she's flipping out! _ " Addison, come on, relax."

Callie can feel the tension radiating from Addison's body. _She's not breathing. What should I do? _Callie places her hands on Addison's upper arms, getting ready to shake her out of her current mental state. But before, Callie can make a move, the door opens again. It's Alex, reporting for duty.

Alex quickly realizes that he won't be operating any time soon. _Why is Callie holding her like that? _He pulls her forward on the counter until he can wrap his arms around her. He nestles her head into the crook of his neck. "Please stop crying, Addie. I'm right here." Alex breathes deeply, waiting for her response. _Don't reject me, Addison. Please._

Addison feels his chest rise and fall. She moves her arms up and down Alex's sides to reassure him. _He needs to calm down. I shouldn't cause so much trouble. He's missing rounds and it's all my fault. _"It's okay, Alex. I'm fine. I was just upset about a patient."

Alex pulls away to look at her. "That's all?" He looks down at her forearms and she pulls them back self-consciously, but Alex keeps a tight grip on her hips. "It seems like there may be more to it." _I need her to open up to me._

Alex brushes a hair out of her, and she can feel his fingers on her skin even moments after he rests them back on her waist_. He's worked so hard for me. I should give him a little bit of my time. He doesn't need to find out anything. We'll just talk. _She turns to Callie. "Could you excuse us for a sec?" Her misty eyes plead with Callie and, of course, Callie gives in.

"I just needed a...never mind." _They look like they could use a little extra time together. There are other pediatric surgeons in this hospital. _Callie leaves, shutting the door behind her.

Alex kisses her and she draws back, removing his hands from her. His touch reminds her of the incredible guilt she feels. _Another man had sex with me. Alex isn't going to take the news well…if I ever tell him. I understand now, why it's so hard for- _ Addison can't even think the word- _victims to come clean with the truth. Look at his unhappy face. Now that's my fault too. _

Her actions trouble Alex and he frowns. _Addison__ loves to cuddle. _"What's wrong, babe? Can I fix something?"

_He can't fix me. Why doesn't he understand? _ Addison feels like screaming in his face. _Can't you see how bad it hurts?! _

Addison scolds herself for thinking such a thing. Alex didn't do anything wrong. It's unfair to reject him because he couldn't read her mind.

But if he would just look, just pay attention. _He's already seen the scars. Why hasn't he done anything?_ _He's just like Derek. Derek knew and he chose not to do anything. It's so hard to think about. The indifference. His ignorance. It still pains her. Especially that first time…_

It was Christmas Day, a holiday she normally loved. But for the past couple of years, Addison had slowly fallen into a pit of despair, caused by Derek's sudden indifference to her life. On this Christmas Day, the red and green blinking lights glared menacingly at her. Addison's head pounded and she knew that only Derek could help her. But, nowadays, he seemed to live in the OR where a continuous stream of craniotomies supplied him with his fierce desire to operate. Addison fled to a dark supply closet, but her lungs still remained tight and unwilling to give more than just a small breath. After entering the supply closet, she doesn't remember much. Just the glint of the scalpel. And the dark red of her blood, which pleased her because it was so different from the obnoxious red Christmas lights. She can't recollect who pulled her out of the supply closet. It certainly wasn't Derek, who had refused to see her until the surgery was over. Even after he took her home, the incident was never mentioned again.

And it's about to happen again. Alex seems willing to ignore the scars and her pain.

_Why won't he just look at me and DO something? Please Alex. _She wanted to beg him. _Don't ignore me. _

But Addison could be an actress with how well she keeps a straight, blank face as the thoughts run through her head. _I just have to get away. _She places her hands on corresponding sides of his chest to keep a distance between them.

Her behavior scares Alex. He pushes her knees apart to stand as close to her body as possible. He brings his cheek to hers and whispers. "Addie, I can help you. Don't worry. I won't tell anyone else, okay? It's just you and me. You don't have to worry."

_No, No, No, NO! He's getting it all wrong! _She breathes heavily against him and bites down on her lip hard. _Why can't I just tell him? _

Alex feels confused and helpless. Usually, he was intuitive when it came to the emotions and thoughts of women. But with Addison, he can't get any more clueless. She just takes that effect on him.

_I just need to know how to respond to her. Am I making it worse? What does she want from me? I'll give her anything. Well, mostly, but I'll do my best. If she would only tell me what's wrong..._"It's okay, Addison."

Addison shook her head, bumping his chin.

Just then, Derek charges in, flinging the door open. Addison and Alex turn their heads to look at him as he clumsily closes and locks the door. "I'm sorry. I tried to hurry-"

He stopped, noticing the position of Addison and Alex. Derek's face remains expressionless as he begins to take in the atmosphere. He reacts a moment later. "Oh! Sorry to interrupt but..." Derek stands still, not sure if he should stay or leave. Addison pushes Alex away and hops off of the counter, watching Derek. The back of her knees scrapes against the edge of the counter. She reflexively reaches down to rub the irritated skin, allowing her shirt to rise up while exposing the bruises on her back to Alex. Alex notices, but his mouth remains clamped shut.

Alex's eyes meet Derek's and Derek smiles half-heartedly. "I just wanted to talk to Addison." His eyes trail towards her. "Are you okay?"

Alex straightens up. _Jeez. Why can't he leave her alone? _"I told you. We're fine." he declares and claims his territory by stepping in front of her.

"No," comes a weak voice from behind him, thick with tears. She wants to be fine, wants to pretend she's fine, everything's easier when she's fine. But she can't hold it back, not that. It's too much.

At that moment, Derek decides to stay in the nursery. _I should at least stay until I know she's okay._" He moves his body to stare at her, apprehensive at the recurring thought of Addison harming herself again. " Addison. You said there was something else."

Addison starts backing away from both of them and chews on the nail of her thumb. She's only bitten her nails twice in her life before: while taking the MCAT's and the night that Derek left. She knows it a disgusting habit, but now the nerve-wrecking feeling is back, and ripping out her cuticles somehow makes her feel better. She doesn't know how she got into this mess, or why they suddenly care. _This isn't happening._ _I started it, I can end it, how do I back out?_

Alex turns to face her. "There's something else?" He starts to close in on her, but Derek holds him back. "Give her some space."

They wait for a few minutes, watching Addison slowly lose control. It's incredibly painful for all three of them. She breaks down, closing a hand over her mouth to muffle the sobs. Hot tears sting in her eyes. A few tears escape, and leave burning trails down her cheeks. Addison immediately wipes them away and the moisture left evaporates on her cheeks. _Stop crying! It only makes things worse. They'll think I'm upset, but I just can't tell them. I can't! _

Addison presses her palms flat against her temples and she can almost feel the blood pounding in her head. Her stomach clenches and she wraps an arm around her abdomen to calm herself. She wedges herself in the corner of the room, pressing her body into the rough wallpaper surrounding her. But the pain isn't enough to relieve the pressure in her head.

Alex's hand twitches. He wants to pull her out of this hell she's living in so badly. But he can't._ Shepherd is right for once. I'm only making it worse. _Alex flexes the muscles in his fingers and clutches the fabric of his scrub pants. He needs something to hold onto or else he'll just pull her into his arms and upset her even more.

Derek stands in front of Alex, partially blocking Alex's view of Addison. He tilts his head, painfully watching the most confident woman he knows lose control. It makes his heart ache, not in love, but in sympathy and regret. _I should have- should have…so many things. Really, this is my fault. She shouldn't be unhappy because I wouldn't give her the time of day. She deserves better. _Derek's neck twists to catch a glimpse of Alex. Alex's eyes water and his whole body tenses at the sight of Addison gasping for breath. _She deserves him. He's suffering because I told him it was the right thing to do. _Derek quietly steps aside.

Alex doesn't notice that Derek has moved until Derek speaks. "Go ahead. She needs you."

Alex shakes his head. "No. She doesn't want me." His eyes don't leave Addison.

Derek moves closer to Alex and stands in front of him, facing away from Addison. "Look at me, Karev." Alex's eyes bounce between Derek and Addison, complying to Derek's request while keeping an eye on Addison. Derek allows this and doesn't block his line of sight to Addison. "She wants you. Trust me. She won't pull away this time. She's too far gone."

Alex murmurs a thank you. He reaches for Addison just as she collapses in his arms. He helps her to her feet and sits her in a stretcher nearby. He sits beside her and pulls her legs up to rest on his lap. She's not quite sitting on top of him, but he's close enough to run his fingers soothingly through her hair. "Addison." he says softly. "Shhh..."

Alex surprises Derek by motioning for him to sit on the other side of her. Alex realizes that as much as Addison needs him, she needs Derek too.

"It was so awful" Addison whispers. Alex and Derek share a look. Finally, she's going to tell them. They're moving forward.

"What was?" Derek asks. He prays silently that it's nothing too terrible, but to be honest, he knows that only something horrid can cause such a disturbance to Addison's confident facade.

Addison shakes her head while leaning her back into Derek's chest and tangling her hands in Alex's shirt.

Derek speaks calmly. "Addie, you have to tell us if you need help. You know from experience that this is the hardest part."

Addison's fingers dig into Alex's body, but he isn't bothered by the pain. He just rubs her arms soothingly. "We're here for you."

_I can't do this. I can't tell them. _ Addison twists her neck to bury her face into Derek's shoulder. _Ahh. He's so warm and his scent so comforting. It reminds me of _ _New York__. Now that I think about it, the whole situation is ironic. I lived in _ _New York City__ for nearly all my life and never once was raped or violently threatened. I guess this shows me something about _ _Seattle__. It took my husband and my dignity and I have nothing left. _She tried to say something, but all Alex and Derek could hear was muffled sounds through the fabric of Derek's scrubs. Alex touches her jaw and turns her face into the sterile air. "Can you say that again, Addie? I'm sorry."

Addison looks down at the floor again, wanting to disappear between the cracks. She sniffles and looks back at Alex. "He- he" she stutters. Derek scooted closer to her and her next few words were almost inaudible. "He...attacked me."

Feelings of rage and sorrow overwhelm Alex, but he knows that he couldn't fall apart at a time like this. He just hugs her with one hand pressed in between her shoulder blades and the other arm wrapped around her waist. He would never let anyone touch her like that again. _At least she's safe now, here with me. _

Distressed, Derek stood up and started pacing the room. He supposed he would have to be the responsible one. He was no longer Addison's husband or boyfriend. He was her friend. Boyfriends comforted the victims in some situations. The best friend called the police and, in this case, led her to an appropriate exam room. But first, he has to know more. He doesn't want to know, but he has to know, he needs to make sure. Derek hopes that he has misunderstood her, but somehow he knows that's not the case…

It's just so difficult to approach her. She looks awful, looked terrified and vulnerable. Derek catches her eye over Alex's shoulder. He smiles as kindly as possible. " Addison. I'm sorry. I just need to know. This man, he..." Derek's voice trailed off and his eyes traveled to the ceiling. _I have to do this. But it's so hard! It shouldn't be this hard. It's just a word. Just one word. Spit it out. Like ripping the stitches. No anesthesia._

He remembered that night at the trailer, remembered ripping out the stitches . . . _Oh, God. I can't do this. I can't ask her. It's _ _Addison__ for crying out loud. This doesn't happen to people like her, I shouldn't have to do this. Okay. On the count of three. 1...2...3..._"He raped you?"

Alex, who had previously been silent, chokes at Derek's harsh words. _Was that really necessary? _He feels Addison nod and hears Derek's footsteps move away from them. It sounds like Derek had stumbled from the shock. Alex can't blame him; if he hadn't been holding on to Addison, he would be curled up on the floor right now. He grips Addison tighter, but then releases a little when he felt her struggle for breath.

Derek regains balance and clears his throat. _How could this happen? And I was worried about the cutting. I never realized that there was a greater issue. _"When?"

"Last night." Addison whimpers. _God. I'm so glad they're here and it's them asking these questions and not some random police officer. I don't understand how others could do this without the support I have right now. Sitting in a cold hospital and describing the worst experience of your life along? I can't imagine it. _

Derek furrows his brow. _Maybe the rape wasn't the underlying cause of her cutting, as expected. But I'll worry about it_. He noticed Alex move a little. _Didn't he notice last night? They've been living together, surely he would have seen a difference in her behavior. _

Alex pressed his lips to Addison's shoulder. "God, Addie. I'm so sorry. I should have done something last night. I swear, I noticed you. I knew something happened. I was just so scared...it was selfish of me. I'm sorry. I love you so much."

_Alex. I don't blame you. _ Addison just rubs her face in Alex's shoulder. "I love you too."

Derek shifts his weight. He knows that both Alex and Addison need more time, but it would really be best for her if they got her into an exam room as quickly as possible. " Addison, you need get an exam."

Addison immediately rejects the idea and firmly grasped Alex Alex grasps Alex's shoulders, holding on tight. "No. It's too late. I've already showered." Again, Alex is angry with himself for ignoring her.

Derek frowns at this news. _She knows that you're not supposed to do that. _

"I know. I know." Addison said, reading his mind. "But I just had to get every single cell of him off of me and out of me. I know it's hard for you to understand-"

Alex interrupts her. "It's okay, Addison. You don't have to explain. But he's right and we do need to run tests. And you'd be more comfortable in a private room."

Suddenly aware of her surroundings, Addison agreed. She parted with Alex, but only for a moment. Alex placed a hand on her back and another behind her knees. "Would you like me to carry you?"

Addison moves away. "Nah. I can walk. I'm still a little sore. Do I look okay? Like normal?"

_No. _Alex thinks. _She won't leave unless I say she does though. _"Yes, of course. You look beautiful." Alex tries to appear more optimistic, but he can't seem to shake off the ominous cloud looming over them. He settles for holding her hand and leads her out of the room, pulling her quickly to an exam room right down the hall. _Thank God. No one saw. _

Derek waits before following them; he doesn't want this to look any more suspicious. While waiting in the nursery, he looks at his mascara-stained sleeve of his scrubs and sighs. _This is going to be a long day._

* * *

Hmmm. That was exhausting. But it should be worth it.

Thank you sweetnarcosis for offering your thoughts and editing it!!!

I might take a break from this for a week or so. I really need to write something a little lighter. It's Addek, mostly. A series of specific snapshots in their life, all intertwined by a common theme. No, I'm not going to tell you what the common theme is. I sort of already have it planned out. I don't know. Maybe I'll save it for after this story. We'll see.

My brain is too tired to write an acceptable author's note.

Thank you my babies!! (Friends, anyone?)


	5. It's Not Easy Tonight

**Special thanks to sweetnarcosis!!!**

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 5: It's Not Easy Tonight

_She's in over my head _

_…and it's not easy _

_It's not easy tonight _

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight:_

_Suddenly aware of her surroundings, Addison agrees to find an exam room. She parts with Alex, but only for a moment. Alex placed a hand on her back and another behind her knees. "Would you like me to carry you?"_

_Addison moves away. "Nah. I can walk. I'm still a little sore. Do I look okay? Like normal?"_

_No. Alex thinks. She won't leave unless I say she does though. "Yes, of course. You look beautiful." Alex grasps her hand and leads her out of the room, pulling her quickly to an exam room right down the hall. No one sees them exit._

_Derek waits before following them; he doesn't want this to look any more suspicious. While waiting in the nursery, he looks at his mascara-stained sleeve of his scrubs and sighs. This is going to be a long day._

Addison smoothes down the wrinkles on the sheet of the hospital bed she's lying in and leans back until her head makes contact with the bed. It's only morning and she's already exhausted from her breakdown in the nursery. The hospital bed sheets don't compare to her 1200 thread count Egyptian Cotton sheets at home, but she's ready to curl up and take a nap.

Addison isn't used to being a patient. The tables have turned and now she's the one sitting in a cold, sterile room, terrified. She hates not knowing what's going to happen next. She hates what's supposed to happen next and wishes she didn't know. She has no control. Addison fiddles nervously with her fingers, twisting them together, cracking her knuckles. Then, she hears Alex shutting the blinds and she looks up to watch him. The room stays dark until Derek flips on the lights.

Alex rummages through drawers, looking for a suitable hospital gown for Addison. He finds a white gown with miniscule green dots and decides not to be picky about fashion. He reaches for Addison's hand and pulls her to a sitting position. Addison uncomfortably glances in Derek's direction. Not a word is spoken, but Derek understands. He politely turns around while Addison removes her current attire, though he's seen her naked many more times than Alex has.

Alex ties the string around her neck and Addison kicks off her scrub pants. Addison feels better, just to be out of her scrubs. For some reason, they felt dirty to her though she only had them on for a few hours. Derek turns around and she can see the mascara stains on his clothes and on Alex's too. She considers apologizing for a second, but then realizes that apologizing would require her to speak, something that she'd rather not do unless necessary. If she starts talking, Derek and Alex might assume that she's ready to talk about IT and HIM.

Or, they might assume she's going to get better, just because she's talking about it. She doesn't want them to get their hopes up, especially Alex, who thinks she'll be alright in the long run, that he can fix her. But what if she never gets over the rape? What if she never stops cutting?

Addison twitches at the thought and Alex instinctively runs his fingers over her pale back, as to reassure her.

Addison reaches for the remote to the hospital bed and presses a button. The end of the bed with her pillow rises so she can sit up with the bed supporting her back. She turns on her side, away from Alex and Derek, and closes her eyes to sleep. _Maybe if they think I'm sleeping, they'll go away and I won't have to deal with this right now._ Derek and Alex aren't fooled. Alex walks to the other side of the bed so he can see her face. He pulls up and chair and sits down to hold her hand.

Addison's pager beeps and she freezes. _What am I going to do? Do I answer it when I look like this? _

Derek picks it up off of the floor where Alex threw her scrubs. "It's the chief."

Addison squeezes Alex's hand. She doesn't know what to say. Luckily, Derek speaks for her. "I'll go. I'll explain to him. And I'll get an ER nurse to run a rape kit."

Addison panics. Derek's going to tell people. This isn't supposed to happen so fast. _A rape kit? I just need an examination. _"Derek, wait." Her voice is dry and raspy. She coughs a little and swallows. "Don't tell anyone yet."

Derek walks back towards the bed. "Addison, we need to warn women if there's a rapist in Seattle. If you report it to the police, they might be able to catch this guy."

Addison doesn't say anything, but she appears to be considering it. Alex turns toward Derek. "Would you mind sending Dr. Bailey or Callie too? I think it would make her feel more comfortable, you know, during the exam."

Derek looks at Addison. She nods and he reaches for the door handle. "Of course. I'll be right back." As closes the door, he finds himself wondering how okay Addison will be with just Alex there. It took them both so long to get her to talk and her breakdown in the nursery was difficult for him to handle. He's never seen her so helpless, but Addison's always been one to hide her feelings. Back in New York, she never told him how hurt she was by his absence. _Maybe I just didn't listen. _Derek shakes off that thought; he has enough guilt on his plate.

As he walks down the hall, Derek wonders what Addison and Alex talk about, normally. _Do they talk? I guess, if they did, that's all over now, at least for a little while. _Addison certainly doesn't want to talk now, about anything. _At least we got her to open up about the rape. But, I can almost see the wall she always puts up when things get personal and, now, it's stronger than ever. _Inevitably, it will hurt her to tear down the wall. _If she would only see that life is so much easier when emotions aren't bottled up inside of you. _Derek sighs and promises himself that he won't be away from Addison too long. _Just say what you need to say, and then get out of there. _But Derek knew that he was kidding himself. This conversation with the surgical attendings would be anything but short.

* * *

_You were down  
You could see  
You wore hearts for me_

Derek finds Richard in his office, absently flipping through a chart. Derek closes the door behind him and Richard looks up over his glasses. "Derek. How are you?"

Derek runs a hand through his hair, massaging his scalp for a moment. "Not so good. I need to talk to you about something."

Richard sets his glasses down on the desk. "Could it wait a moment? I just paged Addison and-"

Derek cuts him off. "It's about Addison."

Derek's sharp tone frightens Richard. The older man can tell that Derek hasn't come with good news. He takes a deep breath in because he's not used to dealing with issues of his own. It's the reason he never leaves the hospital, the reason he might be getting a divorce sometime soon. But this, he can't ignore. It's Addison and she doesn't deserve that. "What about her?"

Derek paces the room before he settles down in one of the chairs in front of Richard's desk. "I'd prefer it if I could speak to all the surgical attendings and residents. It's urgent, but she could use some support."

_All of the surgical attending and residents? What happened? _Richard is about to protest when Derek interrupts him again. "Richard, it's important. Please. Just page them to your office."

Richard doesn't take orders, but Derek asked nicely. He picks up the phone. "Just the surgical attending and residents?"

Derek nods. This seems suspicious to Richard. Addison is well-liked all around the hospital. If she's been in an accident, why not just make an announcement over the PA system? She could have flowers and candy delivered in seconds. But Richard trusts Derek. Derek has never given him a reason to doubt his abilities. Well, except for dating an intern while married. Richard could excuse that though. Everyone makes mistakes.

Of course, Burke opens the door first. Bailey and Callie are next. Mark shuffles in and ignores the scowl he receives from Derek.

_Okay, that's everyone. _"Can someone shut the door?" Derek can't see it, but he hears the door swing shut. "Thank you."

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_Outside in the hallway…_

Meredith, Cristina, George and Izzie all walk down the main hallway of the surgical wing. They laugh, as Cristina jokingly insults George and his taste in music. (Having two copies of the _Moulin Rouge _soundtrack is unacceptable for an adult male.)

But just as George prepares for a comeback (or an excuse), Cristina flings her right arm out, stopping the group in their tracks. She points across to Richard's office, where Mark lazily walks through the door.

"Resident/Attending meeting. Look!" Cristina's eyes light up and her speech becomes hurried and hopeful, "I bet we're getting new equipment. Maybe a new MRI?"

The door shuts and the interns rush over to peek through the glass windows. Derek faces Richard with his back towards them. All the other attendings talk amongst themselves.

Cristina taps her foot excitedly. "It's gotta be a new MRI. That just has to be it. Or…" she waves her arms around, as if experiencing a revelation. "the ultrasound ablation system!! It's really big in Europe-"

"Shut up." Meredith clamps a hand over Cristina's mouth. "Look." She gestures to Derek, who has now turned around. He does NOT look happy at all.

George sarcastically remarks. "It doesn't look like he's too excited about the new MRI."

Izzie slaps George on the arm, as she didn't hear his sarcastic hint. "George! Obviously we're not getting a new MRI. Something bad happened."

George rubs his arm and winces. Izzie packs quite a punch. "I know! I was just kidding."

"Oh." Izzie steps back and folds her arms. "You should make it clearer next time."

George shrugs. Meredith pushes Cristina forward. "You can read lips. What is Derek saying?"

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Derek stands up and turns around to the group of people, all murmuring in excitement. Derek yells out to all the surgeons. "Hey!! Be quiet!!" Silence falls over the Richard's office. Derek almost smiles, as he likes this new power though certainly not in this situation, but he has to remain serious.

Wow. With everyone looking and him and waiting, Derek realizes that he hasn't planned out what to say. And he'd better hurry because people are starting to whisper again. "Umm...Last night, something terrible happened."

This shuts everyone up. Richard is sure that Addison was in some kind of devastating car wreck. He closes his eyes and rubs his forehead.

Derek continues. "Dr. Montg-" Derek stops himself. This isn't formal, it's personal. "Addison. Addison was attacked."

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_Outside in the hallway…_

"Addison!!" George yells out. "He said Addison!"

Izzie wrinkles her nose in confusion. "That doesn't make sense. She's not even in the room."

"She's the only attending who's not there." Meredith points out. "Maybe something bad happened to her."

George shakes his head. "I saw her this morning. She seemed fine, completely normal."

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Back in Richard's office, all of the women in the room tremble slightly at Derek's words. Callie crosses her arms over her stomach and makes the connections in her head. _No wonder she was acting so strangely this morning. I can't believe I didn't see the signs. She was behaving just like a rape victim. She must think I'm clueless and insensitive. I have to apologize to her. She's my best friend._

Across the room, which isn't far because Richard's office (though he is Chief of Surgery) is very small, Burke stares off into space. It's particularly difficult for him, as this is a painful reminder of him witnessing his younger sister's rape at the age of fourteen. He was supposed to protect her and he failed. Preston Burke, the perfectionist, failing? No, he took his revenge, identifying the rapist and testifying at the trial. Still, he knows his sister struggles almost daily with the memory. He blames himself and wishes that he could have helped her somehow, taken a little bit of the pain away. For a while, this weighed down on his conscience, until it was ruining his life. He hit rock bottom, ignoring family and friends, throwing himself into med-school. Eventually, he got help and he's seen a psychologist ever since. Now, he knows how to deal with his emotions, knows how to keep them under control. But still, his eyes start watering and he chokes up. He can generally calm himself down, but he knows and respects and likes Addison. He suddenly wishes Cristina was safe and close to him where no one can hurt her.

Derek waits for everyone to settle down. "He got away, which means there's probably a rapist in the Seattle area. I just thought all of you should know. So you can do what you need to do." He looks pointedly at the women in the room.

Richard sits up in his chair, attentive to every word that Derek speaks. _I was not expecting this. _He clears his throat. "How is she?"

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In the hallway, the group of interns continues to stare intently through the glass window. Izzie watches the chief and says, "He said 'Howichi'!"

Izzie is very proud of herself for a moment, but then Meredith rolls her eyes. "And what does that mean, Izzie?" Izzie shrugs, but Cristina replies "It's a character from a Native American myth."

Meredith wonders how Cristina can hold so much information in her brain. "I have a strong instinct telling me that the Derek isn't telling a Native American myth about Addison."

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In the room, everyone looks at Richard for a moment, then they trail their eyes back to Derek. Derek pauses. If he says how she's REALLY doing, everyone will be distracted from their jobs for the rest of the day. But he can't lie. Not about this. But he can bend the truth and omit the rest. "She's uh...a little scared, but she's holding out. I mean, at least she's going to report him." _She didn't say no. That's mostly the truth. _"All of you know how many rape cases don't get reported."

Everyone nods in agreement. Callie speaks up. "Does she want to see anyone?"

Derek decides that it would probably not be a good idea to have all of them come see her at the same time. Maybe just Richard and Callie or Miranda. Mark will want to see her, but Derek doesn't think that would be good for her, but he reminds himself not to be selfish. He knows that he doesn't want Mark to see her because he still holds a grudge against Mark for stabbing him in the back. Not that the grudge isn't legitimate, but Derek really should be thinking of Addison. "Maybe. I don't really know how she feels about this. I'll have to ask her. Alex is there, but I'm not too sure she needs a crowd watching her right now."

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Outside, George pipes up "I think Shepherd said washing."

Cristina stares at him. "Seriously. Do you think that is going to help us?"

George scoffs. "At least I saw him say Addison. You haven't done anything, Miss Lip-Reading-Expert."

Cristina laughs. "At least I don't have two copies of Moulin Rouge."

George has to explain himself. "I don't have two copies of the movie. I have two copies of the soundtrack. It's very different."

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Back in the room, Derek hears more whispering and waves his hands to command their attention. "Sorry to take your time, but I felt it was necessary. Just remember to be careful. If you'd like to see Addison, page me. I'm not sure she's going to want to see everyone at once. And I shouldn't have to say this, but keep it quiet. All of you. Please. Do it for Addison."

Derek turns to Miranda and Callie. "Addison needs a pelvic exam. Alex and I agreed that it would be better if one of her female friends performed it instead of us. I'm sure we can find someone, but I was going to ask you two first-"

Miranda steps up. "I'll do it. I owe it to her. She saved my son's life. And I've examined her before, for the poison oak, so she should feel more comfortable."

Callie nods. "That's okay with me. I just want to see her."

Mark joins the circle of surgeons around Richard's desk. "Yeah, me too."

Derek tries to ignore Mark, instead of glaring at him. "Okay. But just to warn you, she was...hesitant with me and Alex. And we know her best."

Mark holds back asking how well he knew her back in New York when she was falling into a depression and he didn't even notice._ She must trust him again. Maybe that since he's with another woman now, he's more attentive to her feelings. _Derek hears Mark make a small noise, but he only pauses. "I'm not sure how receptive she'll be to all the attention."

"We'll be gentle." Callie promises. "And we'll leave if she gets upset."

Everyone agrees. Derek isn't too sure about this. He knows Addison might seem fine on the outside, but mentally she could be breaking down "I'll go in first." he proposes. "And I'll make sure it's okay with her." Again, Mark has to bite his tongue and not make a smart-aleck remark along the lines of "And who say's you can tell if she's okay?" Mark wonders why his brain wants to argue against everything Derek says. Maybe it's because he's hurt her so much. _It's a protective instinct_, he tells himself.

Miranda has a sad and slightly angry look in her eyes. She knows she must be strong, for Addison, but she can see Derek's face and she knows it must be bad. This whole situation has taken a toll on him and he looks pained, not so much as when Meredith almost died. But more pained than he looked in the elevator after he had broken up with Meredith and called Bonnie's death. He wasn't angry, just sad and possible remorseful, though Miranda wouldn't know why. It wasn't his fault. "She's not doing well, is she?" Miranda just has to ask. "This must be a terrible stress on her."

Derek wasn't expecting this question. _Why is Miranda trying to make it hard on me? When I lie about how Addison's feeling, I don't expect them to inquire more. Why can't she tell that I don't want to talk about this? _"No. She's not doing well. She needs you guys. I think she's feeling alone right now and she's still in shock of the whole experience." Derek doesn't want to talk anymore. He doesn't feel comfortable revealing any more information about Addison. "We just need to do the pelvic exam before she changes her mind."

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Izzie peeks over Cristina's head to get a good look at Derek. Suddenly, her eyes widen. "Shepherd said 'pelvic exam'. I'm almost sure of it. You can't really mistake those words for something else."

Meredith frowns. "Why would Addison need a pelvic exam? Maybe something's wrong with her. Like cancer, or something." _That would explain why Derek is so upset. _

Izzie leans against the glass. "George said she was normal this morning. And, if she has cancer, why doesn't she just tell them herself?"

George smiles for a moment, trying to look on the optimistic side of things. "Maybe they're planning a surprise birthday party for her."

Meredith's eyes narrow. "No. That's stupid."

George steps away from her, offended. "Excuse me?" He grins.

"Sorry." Meredith mutters. _Way to be blunt. _"But even if Izzie is wrong about the pelvic exam, Derek wouldn't look like that if he was planning a party. See, he must have said something troubling because they all have concerned expressions on their faces." _But it doesn't explain why he doesn't want us to know. Sure, it might be a little distracting, but if she is sick, the least he could do is tell us. We know her too, especially…_ "Alex. Has anyone seen Alex lately?"

Izzie scratches her head and then remembers. "No. He was assigned to Dr. Montgomery's service today."

George pulls out his cell phone from the pocket of his scrubs. "I'll call him to see if he knows anything." _Come on, Alex. Pick up the phone._

The group waits in silence while the phone rings. After five tones, Alex's voice is heard, on the answering machine. "He's not picking up." George says. "I'll try again. You know, it takes SOME," he mock glares at Izzie "people an extra moment to answer their cell phones."

"I have a very large purse and it falls to the bottom." Izzie protests. When Alex fails to answer his phone for the second time, George shrugs. "Maybe he just left it in his locker."

Meredith makes a face, disgusted. _Leave it to George to make excuses._ Optimism is not her thing.She'd rather have the ugly truth than a bunch of lies.

George continues, much to her dismay. "All of this could be some sort of misunderstanding. Alex's disappearance doesn't mean anything. It's lunchtime. He's probably just waiting for us in Really Really Old Guy's room. That's where we would usually be."

The interns agree and head for the room. Unfortunately, when they enter, Alex is absent. "Something must be wrong." Izzie whispers to herself.

Meredith can't stop thinking about the pelvic exam. _What else requires a pelvic? Come on, Meredith, think! She could be pregnant, but again, that would be a happy thing. Cancer just doesn't make logical sense. It has to be some sort of accident, or something that wasn't planned. _Meredith sits down in the chair by Really Really Old Guy's bedside. She looks down at her shoes. _I really should get some new shoes. Or I should get over my superstitious beliefs about the other ones. _Because of Allison, the rape victim, she hasn't worn those brand new shoes ever since that day. But they still sit in her closet, watching her. Suddenly, something clicks and it all makes sense to her. "What if she was raped?"

Izzie gasps, but everyone else falls silent. George starts to pace the room, looking out the window. "That would make sense. She was fine this morning. And it would explain the pelvic exam."

Cristina wonders "But, why wouldn't they tell us?"

Izzie bites her lip. _It's personal, _she thinks. "It can't be. If it happened anywhere near the hospital, they would have to tell us. It's not safe."

"I don't buy it." Cristina blurts out. "Dr. Montgomery? I would have expected her to be the kind of women who shoves her keys into his eye ball. Or, you know, the kind of woman who bites off a penis." Everyone remembers Allison, the tiny woman who kicked her rapist's ass and put him into jail.

_It's just a coincidence, _Meredith thinks. _I'm getting emotional over nothing. You can't be cursed just from a pair of shoes._

Meredith shivers. _What if it was me? I'm not as strong as Addison or Allison. What would happen to me? That kind of man would render me speechless and could break every bone in my body. _She shudders at the thought. _I really wish Derek was here. _"I wonder if it was at the hospital." Meredith thought out loud.

"Maybe she was walking from the hospital to her house. Alex told me she doesn't live far away." George suggested.

Cristina pops a piece of gum in her mouth and chews it with her mouth open. She always does this, as a rebellion against her mother's strict guidelines on manners. "Yeah. But that seems kind of stupid. A tall, attractive- No, George. I, personally don't think she's attractive, don't get your hopes up- woman walking alone at night. It's kind of like asking for it."

"No one asks for that." Izzie says coldly. "Even so, do you really think Addison would be stupid enough to walk alone at night? Seriously, she used to live in New York City. I'm willing to bet she's got a few self-defense courses under her belt." Her tone turns icy and

Everyone looks at Izzie. Meredith works up the courage to ask "Izz, are you okay?"

"I'm fine." Izzie crosses her arms in front of her.

_Okay then. _Meredith thinks. It's probably better to let Izzie think than to confront her about anything. Meredith changes the subject, kind of. "I'm really glad that I have Derek. I'd be so scared without him."

At this, Izzie bursts into tears. Meredith, Cristina, and George are all taken aback. They remain silent as Izzie reaches for a tissue out of the box on the desk. "I'm sorry." she sobs. "I've got to go." _I have to find Mark. _Izzie stands from her chair and rushes out.

Meredith looks to Cristina and George. "Did I say something?"

They shrug. It's Izzie. Who knows what she's thinking sometimes?

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Back in Richard's office, Callie watches Derek awkwardly try to put his hands on his hips. _Something's not right here. Shepherd's not telling us something._ "So, can we see her now?" Derek silently thanks Callie for bringing the conversation to an end. "Yeah. I'll take you to her room." Richard stands from his desk and everyone follows Derek. When Derek opens the door, he finds a very upset Izzie Stevens.

* * *

_Shotgun fire… anybody home__  
__I got two dimes in the telephone__  
__Alright… __  
__It's not easy tonight_

Izzie runs into the line of attendings and residents coming out of Richard's office. Tears are welling in her eyes and she folds her arms across her stomach. Mark sees her crying and rushes to the front of the group. He wants to touch her, but he knows he shouldn't. He's screwed up and she might never forgive him if he makes any more mistakes "What's wrong?" he asks.

Izzie throws herself into his arms. Mark strokes her curly blonde hair. He loves her hair; it reminds him of the dolls that Derek's sisters used to play with. He blinks out of his thoughts when she starts speaking.

Izzie pleads with him. "I can't be alone. Please, Mark. I'm sorry about the sushi and shoving the eel in your face."

Derek chuckles at Izzie's words. Mark had it coming to him.

Burke and Callie look confused and Richard just seems angry. _If another attending/intern relationship gets in the way of important business…I will- I will just have to do something about that. _But Richard knows he's just made another hollow threat.

Mark turns around and glares at Derek. He's been nothing but nice (Well, sort of.) to Derek all day. "It's okay, babe. I understand. I was an ass, can you forgive me?"

_Wow. _Derek thought. _Mark sure knows how to work the women._

Izzie nods against Mark's chest. "Thank you."

Mark lifts Izzie's chin with his fingers so he can look at her. "Wanna take a nap?"

Izzie snuggles into him. "Yeah. That sounds nice." _Yes! Yes! Yes!_

Mark looks up at the group of surgeons and grins. "Well, we're going to go take a nap."

Richard recognizes the sparkle in Mark's eye that says 'I'm not really going to take a nap, I'm just saying that to get laid.' He immediately puts a stop to this. No one will be having sex on his surgical floor if he can help it. "No, Sloan. There will be no 'naps' in this hospital. Don't even think about it." Richard realizes how ridiculous he sounds.

"Think about what?" Mark asks innocently. He turns to Derek. "Derek. Will you explain to Addison...?" he gestures to Izzie.

"Uh. Yeah." Derek answers. _Explain to her that you couldn't be there for her because you were off having sex with another woman? Yeah, I can do that. _

Mark turns to Callie. "Will you make sure he explains correctly?"

Callie nods and Derek frowns. _Damn. That's okay. It would have probably just hurt her more, something I definitely don't want to do._

Mark tugs on Izzie. "Let's go. I see an empty on-call room with your name on it."

"Okay." Izzie replies sleepily. Mark half-carries her to the on-call room, all the while trying not to grope her.

Derek shakes his head.

Some things never change.

* * *

So, what do you think? I'm not too happy with this one. I just wanted to make you laugh a little. :)

Next week it'll get better. There's more Addison, always a good thing.

Hmm. I better go spend time with my mother. She gets lonely sometimes, I think.


	6. I'll Be There For You

Special thanks to sweetnarcosis!!

**Disclaimer: See chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 6: "I'll Be There For You"

* * *

_Previously on __Can't Fight the Moonlight_

_Derek hears more whispering and waves his hands to command their attention. "Sorry to take your time, but I felt it was necessary. Just remember to be careful. If you'd like to see Addison, page me. I'm not sure she's going to want to see everyone at once. And I shouldn't have to say this, but keep it quiet. All of you. Please. Do it for Addison."_

_Derek turns to Miranda and Callie. "Addison needs a pelvic exam. Alex and I agreed that it would be better if one of her female friends performed it instead of us. I'm sure we can find someone, but I was going to ask you two first-"_

_Miranda steps up. "I'll do it. I owe it to her. She saved my son's life. And I've examined her before, for the poison oak, so she should feel more comfortable."_

_Callie nods. "That's okay with me. I just want to see her."_

* * *

_So no one told you life was gonna be this way_

"Hold on, Addison. I'm almost done. I promise." Miranda Bailey's voice cracks as she slowly reaches under Addison's hospital gown for the last time. "Just one more swab."

Addison's whole body clenches. Her teeth grind together and her hands grasp the two things nearest to her: the bed sheets and Alex. She hates this. They shouldn't have found out._ How did I get here? When did I stop pretending? Or, the better question is, when did they stop believing my lies? _Her eyelids press together. _Don't cry. Don't cry. Please don't cry! Damn it. _Tears slide down her face and off her chin. She can't stop trembling inside, but her body remains still. _It's not supposed to be this hard. I'm an OB, for God's sake. I've given hundreds of pelvic exams. This shouldn't be different. _Alex sits beside her, whispering encouraging words in her ear, but she doesn't hear him. _Why am I so embarrassed?_

Derek stands beside Addison, on the opposite side of the bed as from Alex. _She seems pretty calm, except for the tears. She's getting better. She has to be feeling better. _

Much to Addison's relief, Miranda removes latex gloved-hands from under her hospital gown. "All done."

Addison immediately brings her feet down from the stirrups and scoots comfortably on the bed. Miranda stands up from the stool she's been sitting on and motions Derek over to her. They stand by the door, trying to seem as cheerful as possible. Miranda stands on her toes to whisper to Derek. "There are vaginal bruises and tears consistent with rape. It's too bad that she showered. The swabs won't do her any good." She pauses. "You should take pictures of her injuries. I'll run the blood tests." She pats Derek on the shoulder and smiles at Addison and Alex before she exits.

Derek approaches the couple hesitantly. _Is she going to let me take pictures? Probably not. _Alex looks up at him. "I don't think we should do anymore today."

Addison nods. "Can I see Callie now?"

Derek fiddles with her chart in his hands. "I need to photograph your injuries. Then, we're all done with the medical part, okay?"

Addison rubs her head into the pillow. "No. Please. You can't." She protectively covers her arms with the hospital blanket. "Everyone will know," she murmurs.

Alex isn't quite sure what to do, for the millionth time today. He doesn't want to get on her bad side, but he hates that Derek has taken all of the responsibility in her well-being. So he stays silent, massaging her knee and resting his head beside hers.

Derek sets the chart down on the table in front of her bed and pinches the bridge of his nose. "Addie..."

"I know, Derek. I know it's important, but it's me. Can't you just make a little exception?" Addison sneaks her hand out of the covers to hold Alex's hand. He kisses her on the forehead and sits up in his chair.

Derek sits on the foot of the bed. "I won't take pictures of anything you don't feel comfortable with."

Addison crosses her arms and looks away. _I just want to get out of here, just for all of this to be over. _

Addison's feet stick out underneath the sheets and Derek places his hands on them. "It's procedure, Addison. We have to give the police something." Derek presses his thumbs into the arches of her feet. After years of foot massages, he still knows what she likes. She watches Derek rub her feet before sighing. "Okay."

"Okay." Derek hops off of the bed. Always prepared, Miranda had brought in a hospital camera earlier. He grabs it off of the table. "I'll only take a few."

Addison stares at the ceiling as Alex pulls on her arms to limply sit her up. He places his hand flat on her back, to make sure she doesn't fall back. "Don't worry. I'm right here."

Alex helps Derek roll back the covers of her bed. He can't really move though because she's still firmly holding his hand. "I love you, Addie."

Addison's eyes slowly trail down the walls and over to meet his. "I love you too," she says softly.

Derek takes a deep breath and moves up her hospital gown until the first of her injuries appear. He doesn't realize it, but he holds his breath the entire time. He moves very slowly until he spots the first bruises, on her lower thigh. Then, he decides that it would be best just to get this over quickly.

Addison awkwardly twists the bed sheets over her head, not wanting to face reality. Alex stares at the red hair sticking out of the covers. He refuses to look at the scars the rapist left on her body. He inches down the blanket on Addison's face, pulling it down to her chin. He kisses her on the mouth and she tastes like rain and tears. He doesn't release her lips until the first flash goes off. He feels her body shake and lets her press her fingernails into his biceps.

Derek moves the gown up once more, revealing more bruises. Three jagged red lines also appear on her skin. Derek wavers for just a moment, but his delay causes Addison to peek from her blanket. "Oh," she says quietly.

Derek swallows. The cuts are unexpected, but somehow, they don't surprise him. "It's okay. I'll just...try to avoid them. I guess."

Alex's gaze doesn't leave Addison's face. He's in a daze, outlining the contours of her cheekbones and jaw with his eyes.

Derek manages to take five pictures of Addison without a single scar revealed. _Well done, _he thinks. "Okay. That's enough."

Addison kicks her gown back and holds tightly onto Alex. Derek gives them a few minutes to be together, before he says, "The police will be ready to talk to you soon."

"Nooo." Addison groans. She rolls on the bed, pulling her sheets along with her which unveils an eyeful of long legs to Alex and Derek. Alex reaches to untwist her from the fabric, wanting to cover her up, though he knows Derek doesn't think of her like that anymore, especially now, in this situation.

Standing up from the chair, he unintentionally puts a distance between them. When he was sitting in the chair, his face touching hers, it was AlexandAddison. They blended together. Now, standing away from her, it is Addison. And then Alex. Separate people. He doesn't know what she's thinking, or what she's about to do. It bothers him, but he stands there, waiting for someone else to do something or say something.

Alex envies Derek's ability to remain calm in such an emotional situation. Every move that Derek makes accomplishes something. Like now, Derek leans over to Addison, because he knows this is going to take some persuasion. "This is the last thing you have to do. I absolutely promise."

"But it's the hardest thing." Addison whimpers. _What if they see my arms? What if they ask about them? Do I lie? _

"That's why it's the last thing." Derek explains, though he knows this isn't necessarily true. "We can get you a female, if you want. No one has to hear. Alex and I will leave, if it makes you feel better."

"No!" She's so scared again and it's exhausting. "You don't have to stay," She looks at Alex and offers her hand to him. "But I want Alex here. I can't do it without you, Alex."

His hand fits into hers and he lowers himself down to her. One arm wraps tightly around her back and the other continues to clutch her hand against the sheets. "I won't leave unless you ask. I'll be here for you the entire time, Addie." He breathes in through his nose, catching every scent of her.

After a while, he picks himself up off the bed and settles into the chair, back where he belongs.

Derek grabs her chart with an intent to leave, but then, Miranda opens the door again. Derek nods at her in affirmation that he got his job done. Miranda takes the chart away from him and scribbles a few notes. "I have good news, Addison." She looks up from the chart and shoves it back against Derek's chest. "You don't have any STDs." She places her hands on the railing at the end of Addison's bed and smiles. "And you're not pregnant."

Addison lets out a breath of relief. "Thank God," she whispers. "Not that I expected him to, but he didn't use a condom or anything." _Did I just talk about it? Willingly? That's weird._

Alex tries not to frown, but it's difficult for him. He doesn't want to hear any more about this man abusing her in that way. _How am I going to tune out when she reports to the police? I might just have to stomach it and then go punch a wall. Be strong for Addison. _"Thanks, Dr. Bailey." he says.

Miranda nods and purses her lips together before saying, "Addison, I am so sorry."

Addison sighs. She had better get used to this; everyone pitying her. But she knew Miranda meant well. "It's okay, Miranda. It's not your fault." _I'll be saying that a lot in the next few days._

"I know," Miranda continues, "but I'm sorry it happened."

_Much better, _Addison thought. "I don't want to keep you from work. God knows this hospital would fall down if you weren't here."

Bailey manages to crack a little smile before turning the door knob. "The hospital wouldn't fall down without me. But the interns without me? THAT would tear down the hospital." And with that last comment, she leaves.

* * *

_I'll be there for you...  
When the rain starts to pour  
I'll be there for you...  
Like I've been there before  
I'll be there for you...  
'Cause you're there for me too. _

About a half-hour later, Derek ushers a small woman in her mid-forties, wearing jeans and fitted blouse, into the room. "Addison, this is Officer Barrett."

"Ashley." she corrects him. "Hi." Her blonde hair hangs down past her shoulders and she seems normal, except for the six-pack barely hidden by her white shirt. Her strength becomes more apparent with every move.

"Umm..." Addison mumbles, "Sorry. I didn't expect you to..."

"Look like this?" Ashley finishes. "The goal is to make you as comfortable as possible."

Addison eyes Alex and he shrugs. She turns back to Ashley and smiles weakly. "Okay."

"Great." Ashley grabs a chair and sits next to Addison's bedside, on the other side of Alex. She clasps her hands together and looks around. "Are we going to have this audience the whole time?"

"No," Derek replies. "We were just leaving." He's not hurt by the exclusion. _Addison needs her privacy sometimes. And this is one of those times._

After Derek leaves, Ashley turns back to Addison. "Sorry. I didn't mean to kick them out."

Addison looks down at her sheets again and begins to play with the hem. "It's okay."

Alex places his hand on Addison's knee, uncertain. _I hope this doesn't upset her too much. I have to set a limit to the questioning. It won't last longer than forty-five minutes; I won't let it._

Ashley takes out a tape recorder and sets it on Addison's beside table. She doesn't say a word until she presses a button and the tape starts recording. Addison half-listens to all of the official stuff and then answers basic questions that announce who she is. Alex also gives his name and relationship to Addison. Then, Ashley asks Addison to state that she knows her interview is being tape recorded and that it will be used as evidence. Addison stumbles on the last statement because she's not ready for her identity to be revealed. She knows this had to happen sometime, but why so soon? She can see it in the near future and it scares her to think about. Before she can think about it too much, Ashley speaks again.

"Addison. I'm going to need you to describe what happened March 1, 2007, beginning to end, with as much detail as you can give me. Okay?"

Addison runs her fingers through her hair and sighs. "Yeah."

Alex shifts in his seat and prepares himself. An unsettling feeling rests in his stomach, but he tries to ignore it.

Addison searches for words, for some sort of place to start. "I- I don't know. Um."

Ashley nods. "How about you start with where it happened."

_Okay. I can do that. _"Last night. I was taking a walk...around three o'clock." Addison winces, waiting for criticism, but Ashley sits there, listening intently.

"I know it was stupid, but I needed to...think. And he came up behind me." Addison blinks back tears, remembering his dirty hands closing over her mouth. "He was disgusting and he pulled me to the ground, on my back."

Alex fidgets some more, crossing his legs and uncrossing them. It's impossible for him to sit in a comfortable position. _Just don't think about it. Don't picture it. Concentrate on Addison. _He presses his lips to her arm, leaving a wet mark that he rubs away with his nose.

Addison reaches into her hair, pulling the long strands straight. "He climbed on top of me," She anxiously tugs at her hair. "And I could see him. Brown eyes. Long brown hair. I mean, it wasn't long enough to cover his eyes, but it wasn't short. He was tall and heavy. I felt like I was suffocating."

Addison swallows and brings her hands back down to clasp them in her lap. "And then he, uh, took off the robe that I was wearing."

Alex clears his throat, starting to lose control. He doesn't even try to hide the tears falling from his eyes._ I can't believe that I wasn't there to protect her. _

Ashley looks at both of them with a sympathetic smile. She's used to this, the boyfriend/husband crying more than he has ever in his entire life. She doesn't want him to feel uncomfortable, so she gives him a reassuring nod and then continues to interrogate Addison. "Did he say anything to you?

Addison wipes Alex's tears off his face with the back of her hand. "He kept telling me to shut up. I know he muttered a lot of really awful things, you know, during." Addison's fingernails dig into her hands, turning the skin white. "I don't really remember what he said. I tried to block it out, block everything out. I'm sorry."

Ashley notices that Addison's about to crumble and she flips off the tape recorder. "I'm not supposed to have anyone but Addison and me talking on the tape. So, if you need time to get stuff under control…"

Alex nods and wraps his arms around Addison, as tightly as possible. He won't ever let go of her again. He'll make sure another man never violates her again. _Actually, I'm not sure if I want another man even touching her. I'm the only one who's allowed to be with her, make love to her. Even though what that man did was NOT making love. She has to know that I'll never hurt her like that. _"Addie, I love you," he repeats over and over again.

Addison brushes her fingers over his cheek and then refocuses on Ashley. Ashley turns the tape recorder back on and Addison continues. "He left after he finished twice. I think I blacked out after the second time. And then Alex found me."

Ashley adjusts the pen tucked behind her ear and looks at Alex. "And then, I'm assuming, you brought her here." She gestures to the room in front of them.

Alex grimaces. _How am I going to explain this without telling her everything? _"I brought her here this morning. It was dark out last night. I couldn't really see anything. She just wanted to take a shower and she's been kind of...down lately, so I let her. It seemed weird and I thought something was off but she's been kind of down lately and I didn't want to push her." Seeing the confusion in Ashley's eyes, he continues. "I know, I know. I should have been more aware and now I'm paying for it. Last night is just a big blur."

Surprised, Addison looks at him. _He noticed? I didn't think that he was even paying attention. _She hugs him tighter._ He wasn't oblivious and he's not like Derek. _She feels guilty for even comparing the two.

Alex is thankful when Ashley tilts her head and smiles. "I understand." She pauses and speaks to Addison. "Is there anything else you can tell me that would identify your attacker?"

Addison shakes her head. "He has a very sharp nose. And he was wearing jeans and a dark colored t-shirt. Navy, or brown, maybe."

Ashley shuts off the tape recorder. "Thank you so much, Addison and Alex. We really appreciate this, it doesn't happen nearly enough. And now the hardest part is over and you can go home." As Ashley stands up with a reassuring smile, Alex's phone rings again.

He smiles at Addison. "It's probably more people calling to make sure you're okay. When will it ever stop?" He smirks and makes her giggle, a refreshing sound to the both of them.

Addison waves Ashley goodbye before eavesdropping on Alex's phone conversation.

He clears his throat. "Uhh...yeah. I'll tell her...But why?" Alex is quiet for about a minute. "Well, she's not going to like that." Addison frowns, but Alex keeps listening. "Why do I have to?" He pauses. "Fine. Okay. See you later." He shuts the phone. "Well, that was Derek."

"And..." Addison moves her hands in a circular motion, indicating to Alex that he should continue.

Alex scratches his head. "We're going to stay the night tonight."

Addison's face falls. "Why?"

Alex takes a deep breath and speaks softly. "Because the hospital psychologist thinks that it would be a good idea."

"He told?!" Addison's scrunches the muscles in her face, but no matter hard she tries, she can't cry anymore. All of her tears are gone and it's very unsettling.

Alex curses Derek Shepherd under his breath. Addison was just starting to get better and he made her all upset again. He stands up and fills her a glass of water from the sink and then hands it to her. "I know. But, don't worry, I'll be here the entire time. I won't leave your side, okay?"

"No, Alex." Addison shakes her head and takes a sip from her water. "You have to work."

_She's just saying that to be a good person_. Alex almost laughs. "No. It's okay. I want to do this. For me."

"Okay." Addison whimpers as she sets her water back down on the table. She pulls him toward her until he's lying on the bed next to her. She snuggles into him. "I feel better now."

He places his hands on her back. "Good. Keep it up." He kisses her hair and whispers. "That's all I want." He tilts her head upward. "Do you want anything?"

She pushes his hands off of her and looks him straight in the eye. He looks scared for a moment, but then the corners of her lips turn into a tiny smile. "I really really want to get out of this hospital gown."

* * *

_Someone to face the day with.  
Make it through all the mess with.  
Someone I'll always laugh with.  
Even at my worst, I'm best with you._

Callie stares at the door of Addison's hospital room. The blonde police woman left over an hour ago. Callie plans to enter the room sometime soon, but the reality hits her now as she stands outside. The horror smacks her in the face. _Addison won't want to see me,_ she convinces herself. But Callie can't move from her position near the door. _Just go in._

Then, Alex opens the door, making Callie jump out of her skin and thoughts. She sees Addison's figure in her peripheral vision, but she can't turn her head to look at Addison. She sneaks a peek at Addison. _Oh. _Callie can breathe again. Addison's face isn't scarred at all. In fact, she looks ten years younger, yet somehow a lot more tired. _But she's still the same person. _Addison waves and Callie feels much better.

Then, Callie turns to Alex and almost jumps again. Unlike Addison, Alex seems a lot older, but also more tired too. He smiles at her shocked reaction and she can see little wrinkles beginning to form around his eyes. "What?" he asks, "Do I really look that bad?"

Callie laughs nervously. "Yes." She fumbles with a couple of dollar bills out of the pocket of her white coat. "Here. Get some coffee. Maybe take a nap. I'll take care of her." She holds the dollars to him.

Alex glances back at Addison who waves him on. "Are you sure?" He rubs his chin. "I mean, I could stay."

"No." Callie states in her Don't-you-dare-mess-with-me tone "Go. Rest. Now."

Alex reluctantly leaves, shooting Addison a longing gaze. Callie rolls her eyes and Addison laughs. Callie takes very small steps over to Addison's bed. Addison scoots her feet over so Callie can sit down on the bed. Callie sits on the very edge of the bed, taking almost no room. "So..." Callie starts.

"Callie," Addison says, "I'm not going to infect you. You don't have to be afraid."

At that, Callie bursts into tears. "I'm so sorry, Addison. I should have-"

"Nothing." Addison finishes for her. "You shouldn't have done anything."

Callie buries her face in her hands. "But-"_I_ _should have noticed something seriously wrong._

"No buts." Addison places her hand on Callie's back. "It's okay," She says softly, "It's not your fault." Callie just gets more upset and Addison sniffles a little. "Please don't look at me like that. I'm not sick or diseased. I could really use something normal right now"

Callie nods and begins to pull herself together. "Okay. I can do that." She sits up and wipes the tears from her eyes.

Addison hides her arms in the mass of blanket in front of her. "I might be staying here for a little while. Do you think you could go to my house and get some stuff for me and Alex?"

_Why is she staying? The police officer left, so the investigation is over. _Callie frowns. "Why are you staying?"

Addison laughs a little and looks down. "It's really stupid actually..." For a moment, she considers telling Callie. Addison knows Callie would never judge her for something like this. _But would she ever see me the same again? _Addison decides against it. "...They want me to see someone, you know, for the psychological aftermath. Not that I need it, because I'm fine."

Callie stops herself from giving Addison another pitying look. "Okay. But yeah. I'll get your stuff. What do you need?"

_That was a close one. _"Uhh...just like my toothbrush and pajamas. And the same for Alex. And would you mind feeding Aphrodite?"

Callie shakes her head. "Nuh-uh. No way. I am not getting anywhere near that snake. Don't even bother. Get someone else to do it."

Addison had a feeling that Callie was going to say that. "Please Callie!! She won't hurt you. She likes you. You don't even have to get near her. Just open the cage and put in the food." _I should probably not mention that Aphrodite eats live rats. _"You can even bring George, if you want."

Callie starts laughing. "George hates snakes more than I do!! He'd run and hide in the corner."

Addison cracks a genuine smile, her first in a while. "Then take Mark. You have my permission. He's not scared of Aphrodite and he'll help you."

Callie lets out a breath of relief. "Okay, thanks."

Addison laughs. "And help yourself to whatever you need or want. You can even take my karaoke machine, in the basement. You'll get a lot of good out of it."

Callie leans on the bed, over Addison's legs, propping herself up on her elbow. "And what makes you say that?"

"Because you're a fantastic singer." Addison says, as if this is something that everyone knows.

Callie blushes. "No, I'm not."

"Yes, you are!" Addison isn't going to let Callie get away with being modest. "Remember karaoke night at Joe's? You had the crowds cheering."

Callie's mouth drops open. "I so did not! One guy, ONE, whistled. And that was because he was drunk and I was wearing a very low cut top."

Addison shakes her head. "You are such a liar. Everyone was dancing and cheering."

Callie looks down. "Whatever. I still suck."

Addison doesn't know what kind of crap Callie is trying to pull. "No. You know how good you are. In fact, it is my wish, right now, for you to sing to me."

"No!" Callie feels very self-conscious, even after years of voice lessons, she never did get over her stage fright without a few drinks in her system.

"Sing!" Addison demands.

"Fine." Callie mutters. It's been a rough day for Addison and she deserves this. Callie runs through the list of memorized songs in her head and picks the shortest one. She sits up and takes a deep breath in. "_You've got a friend in me_."

Addison laughs loudly and Callie continues. "_You've got a friend in me. If you've got troubles, I've got 'em too_."

On the next verse, Addison joins her. "_There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. We stick together and can see it through_."

Addison sings completely off-tune, but Callie doesn't care. Just to see Addison smile again, it makes Callie think that everything might just be okay. "_Cause you've got a friend in me. You've got a friend in me._"

Then, Alex peeks his head in the window, so Addison and Callie can't see him. He couldn't help himself; he just had to check to see how Addison is doing. And she's laughing and singing. He almost decides to join them but then he takes one more glance at the grown women dancing around in Addison's bed and decides to leave them be. _I could use a nap anyway. I have a whole mess to figure out._

* * *

A/N: Callie sings the song from Toy Story.

I've been waiting awhile to write this chapter. I thought about it a lot and it got all smushed in my brain. Hopefully, it turned out all right.

Anyone catch the date of Addison's rape? It's kind of significant to the story because it's a special day. Hint: Orange ribbons.

If you like this story and you like casual reading, may I suggest Ellen Hopkins' _Impulse _and Patricia McCormick's _Cut_? They promote self-injury awareness among other things. And they're fantastically written. _Impulse _is in verse and _Cut _is a regular novel. I should warn you: they're triggers for that type of behavior. But if you feel safe, I highly recommend reading them. Summaries are at my LJ under the cut "Random Thoughts".

I know, that's the last time I'm going to pimp out other authors in my A/N. I promise.

Sorry for the lack of updates. I'll try to do two chapters next week. In two weeks, I'm going to work camp so there will be a break for a week or so. I don't think I'll be able to get any writing done.

Next chapter: Another big one. I've already written half of it because I write that chapter when I feel angry or sad to put my feeling down on paper. Consequently, most of it's not any good so I'll have to edit. It's mostly Addek friendship with a little Mizzie, as promised. And the real fun begins.

Did I mention it was almost all a flashback?

Thanks for reading my story! 


	7. The Heart of the Matter

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 7: The Heart of the Matter

_Previously on __Can't Fight the Moonlight_

_Alex peeks his head in the window, so Addison and Callie can't see him. He couldn't help himself; he just had to check to see how Addison is doing. And she's laughing and singing. He almost decides to join them but then he takes one more glance at the grown women dancing around in Addison's bed and decides to leave them be. _

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

_Derek stands in front of Alex, partially blocking Alex's view of Addison. He tilts his head, painfully watching the most confident woman he knows lose control. It makes his heart ache, not in love, but in sympathy and regret. He thinks, __I should have- should have…so many things. Really, this is my fault. She shouldn't be unhappy because I wouldn't give her the time of day. She deserves better._

* * *

_An old, true friend of ours was talking on the phone, she said you found someone.  
And I thought of all the bad luck and the struggles we went through  
and how I lost me and you lost you.  
_

The next day, Derek arrives at the hospital extra early. He finds Addison sleeping alone in her room. She changed into scrubs and is now curling up in her blanket. Derek frowns. _Did Alex go home and leave her here? _He enters the room, concerned. Addison's eyes flutter open at the sound of the door shutting. She rubs her eyes and Derek asks "Where's Alex?"

Addison sits up and peers around the room. "He was just here a minute ago. He spent the night here." She pats down on her pillow and a note flies out from under it. Derek picks it up off of the floor and reads, "Addie. I went to go get some decent breakfast for you, instead of the crappy hospital food. Smiley-face."

Addison eyes him curiously. Derek explains "He drew one." and continues "I'll be back soon. I love you, Alex." Addison smiles and Derek fakes a grin. He will never get used to another man loving her, even if it is Alex. Though he isn't in love with her anymore, he still feels a tiny spark of jealousy.

Addison scoots over and Derek sits bed, close to her. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay. Hungry." Addison takes a sip of the water on her bedside table. As she does, the scars on her arm are revealed to Derek once again. He becomes pained when he sees them, looking away immediately. She notices his distress and makes quick work of hiding her arm under the blankets. She feels the need to apologize, but she knows he'll scold her for doing so.

His eyes make their way back up to her face and he finds the courage in him to ask, "Is it me? Is it my fault?"

Addison shakes her head and looks down. "No. Of course not."_ I haven't talked about it before. I can't talk about it, not with him. He can't understand unless he knows. _"Don't think that. It's not. You haven't done anything."

Derek rests his hand on her knee. "But that's why. I don't do anything. I need to do more."

Addison closes her eyes. _I didn't mean it like that. _"Derek, we're not married anymore. You shouldn't feel obligated to-"

"It's not just you." Derek interrupts. "I mean, it is you, but look at you. And Meredith. You're both beautiful women with excellent careers and a healthy life to look forward too. Why would you both do something to hurt yourself? Look at the common factor. Me. It's me. I'm toxic. Every woman that I'm close to, that I love..." _wants to kill herself, _Derek finishes in his head.

Addison understands Derek's train of thought. It's perfectly logical. But he can't look at this logically. The action of hurting herself has layers, as did Meredith's. Other things that he can't see, that he doesn't know must be taken into consideration. "Meredith was depressed about her mother, Derek. And there's other things going on with me. Trust me, it's not your fault."

"But Addison," Derek says, almost to the point of tears. "I remember what happened. I didn't, before. But now I remember. I ignored you and the supply closet and the locker." He repeats quietly, "and the locker. I remember what happened in New York."

* * *

_New York Presbyterian Hospital. February 6, 2005._

Addison fears she might be losing her mind.

She can't recognize her husband, or herself, for that matter. She hasn't slept in four days. Her husband refuses to come home and she can't sleep without him, much less stay in the large, lonely brownstone that she "shares" with him.

She misses him so much.

And work is giving her hell. If she loses one more child, she's sure to give up.

Addison needs a break so she finds herself in a familiar place: a supply closet.

Throughout her life, Addison has always turned to closets when she needed some time to think. Closets offer a safe, dark refuge where Addison can escape life and hide from everyone, including herself. Even as a child, Addison hid in the closet attached to her room when her mother's verbal abuse and her father's indifference became too much for her to handle. So, it shouldn't be a surprise that now as an adult, Addison goes to the supply closet to find peace and quiet.

Addison sits down on a box and tears begin to spill down her face. Out of the corner of her eye, she sees something shiny. In another box on the floor, there are dozens of packages of sterile scalpels. The light reflects off of them and Addison feels complied to pick up a package. She peels off the wrapper, discarding it somewhere on the floor. She holds the scalpel in her hand, marveling at the beautiful silver.

She feels her adrenaline pump, just like in the O.R. She's in control of everything now. She needs to cut something, to feel the rush, so she presses the scalpel to her pale wrist.

It sinks down immediately. Addison can feel the sharp pain that somehow feels pleasurable as red blood surrounds the scalpel. All the red, it's too much and she can't stop it.

The door opens and she drops the scalpel on the floor. Now, a stinging pain arises from her wrists. She gasps at the same time as the nurse does.

The nurse appears concerned. "Oh."

Addison just stares at the nurse, but her mind is racing. _Why did I do this? She must think I'm crazy._

The nurse pulls on Addison's good wrist and leads her into a private room. She sits Addison down on the bed and glances at Addison's nametag on her white coat. " Addison Shepherd. Derek Shepherd's wife, I presume." Addison doesn't affirm this statement, but the nurse continues, "Are you going to be alright for a second?"

Addison nods and the nurse goes to page Derek, who is in surgery at the moment. While waiting, Addison wraps her right hand's fingers around her left wrist, covering the wound. She holds on tightly, trying to stop the throbbing with pressure.

The nurse comes back after several minutes. "Dr. Shepherd- your husband- is not answering the pages I sent him. His pager must be out of batteries. I'm going to try to call him, okay?"

Addison shakes her head, knowing Derek will be angry about getting pulled out of surgery, but the nurse doesn't see her.

Addison leans forward on the bed, trying to eavesdrop on the nurse's conversation with Derek. She only caught bits and pieces. "Dr. Shepherd? You might want to check the batteries on…pager is just fine? Oh…is important….She needs you!...send her to psych?...surgery?...she can't wait….now!"

The nurse returns with bandages, appearing angry. Addison lifts her bloodied hand and the nurse's eyes soften. She wraps the gauze around Addison's wrist several times and says, "Look, no need for stitches. Aren't you lucky? People come in here with much worse." Then, she looks at Addison's sad eyes. "I'm sorry about your husband, but please, you have to talk to us. The worst thing you can do is not talk about it, okay?"

Addison speaks in a croaked voice. "I don't have anything to say." _Please. Let's just forget about it._

The nurse tilts her head. "You must have something you want to tell us." Addison shakes her head.

Suddenly, a very angry Derek rounds the corner. " Addison, WHAT are you doing? Pulling me out of surgery? Are you crazy? Do you know how important this surgery was to me? The peak of my career! You need me for what? A scrape on your wrist?" He gestures to the bandages.

The nurse cuts him off. "You can stop right there, doctor. She's very fragile right now and-"

"Don't you dare tell me how to treat my wife!" Derek shouts.

Addison winces. _I've got to get out of here. I'm embarrassed and he's making everything worse._

The nurse and Derek begin a heated dispute. In fifteen minutes, they've gotten nowhere, just repeating the same arguments over and over. The chief of surgery finally steps between them. "What's going on here?"

Derek straightens up. "Well, sir, this NURSE just pulled me out of an important surgery because Addison scraped her arm somehow and I just don't think that is acceptable. A man's LIFE is at stake."

The nurse laughs. "You are the resident on this case, doctor. The man WILL survive without you there to hold the clamp." She turns to the chief. "I found his wife in a supply closet…" she whispers "doing harm to herself and I thought that she could use some support. But this man," she waves to Derek "only gives her the opposite."

The chief stops her there. "And just where is Addison?"

The nurse points to the chair, which is now empty. "She was just there a minute ago."

Derek scoffs. "Great, now we've lost her. We've got to find her before she does anymore 'harm to herself' or whatever you call the brush of skin cells."

The nurse gets ready to lash into another argument, but the chief interrupts. He glares at Derek. "Find Addison NOW, Shepherd, or you'll have me to answer to."

Derek nods for appearances, but as he walks away, he thinks about what a pain-in-the-ass Addison has been lately. Can't she function without him for once?

* * *

_**  
Seattle Grace Hospital, one day ago.**_

Mark and Izzie practically fall into an on-call room while kissing. Mark presses her up against the door, locking it at the same time. After they've been kissing for a while, Mark begins to feel tears on his cheeks and sighs. "Izz, I can't do this when you're upset." He pulls away from her and switches on the light. "What's wrong?"

Izzie pushes him away and sits on the bed. She folds her arms and looks him straight in the eye. "Tell me what happened to Addison."

Remembering Derek's speech, he mumbles something about personal business and Izzie gives him a stare that makes him stutter out, "She was raped, okay? Don't tell anyone."

Izzie stands up and starts hitting him with a pillow from the on-call room bed.

"Hey! HEY!" Mark grabs the pillow from her. "What? I told you!"

Her eyes bug out at him and she tries to move the pillow, but he has a firm hold on it. "You should be with her!! What are you doing here?"

He explains to her as if she was a little kid. "I'm TRYING to be a supportive boyfriend."

She punches the pillow that he's still holding. "You're not my boyfriend!! Not really, anyway. And she NEEDS you! Go, now!!"

Before Mark can take any more of her abuse he slips out the door and whispers throught the crack of the door. "I'm doing this for you." She kisses him on the lips before pulling the door shut.

Mark smirks to himself, but then realizes that he doesn't know where Addison's room is. _I'll call Derek, _he thinks. But just as he opens his phone, a familiar number appears on his caller id and his phone vibrates in his hand. He swallows, he hasn't heard from her in years. "Hello?" He pauses and listens to the other line, then gasps.

"You're in Seattle?!"

* * *

_**Continuing...New York Presbyterian Hospital, Februrary 6, 2005**_

While Derek and the nurse were arguing, Addison had found her way to the attending's locker room. She has tears pouring down her eyes. _Derek just doesn't care at all anymore. What happened to him?_

She walks into the bathroom and stands in front of the row of sinks. She has her pick of seven sinks and chooses the exact center sink. There are three sinks to her right and three sinks to her left. It makes perfect sense.

She washes her hands, and then flushes the water on her face. She gazes at her reflection in the mirror. Her cheeks are red from the hot tears. The cool water extinguishes the fire on her face.

Addison leaves the water running and peels off the bandage on her wrist. The icy water pours over the cut and renews the stinging pain. Addison winces and watches the dried blood wash off of her skin. Without all the red, the cut looks smaller and less threatening.

Addison's mind is exhausted from all of this new activity; she has no energy left. Her throat closes from all of her sobs and she struggles to breathe.

Addison has trouble holding her body up straight. She doubles over and her head falls into her hands on the sink. Her flaming hair contrasts with the pale white of the sink, making it appear even redder. She stares at it for a second, in awe of the spectrum of colors of her hair. Shades of auburn, deep red, strawberry blonde. Against the white, they all appear and it's something she's never noticed before.

She feels the cold, hard tile surrounding her head. Yet, inside her is a burning fire of emotions.

She suddenly realizes that she's extremely uncomfortable. She stands and walks to the bench by her locker. Her shoes are killing her feet. She unwraps the Dolce and Gabbana's carefully and runs her fingers over the red indents created in her pale skin. The soft touch soothes the pain.

She swings her legs around the bench and opens her locker. Her shoes fit perfectly into the bottom.

Addison needs to determine her next course of action. Someone might have noticed that she was gone by now. Maybe. Or maybe they were still too busy arguing over her.

_If I could have just kept my emotions to myself._

She misses Derek. But he will be so angry with her. And she had probably killed a man by taking Derek off of the surgery. She knew he was very talented; it's why he spents most of his time here at the hospital. He enjoys it, more than he enjoys spending time with her. And she took surgery, his favorite thing, away from him. He will yell at her and then probably not look at her for days. Maybe even weeks this time.

Sex is a forgotten pastime. Addison can't even remember what it's like to be held in Derek's arms. Or any man's arms. But she can't hold on to Derek, he won't let her. _It's probably for the best. I just take everything from him. Why did he ever marry me in the first place? I'm such a disappointment!! _She slams the locker and accidently shuts her hand in with it.

The door bounces back and she can feel the pain again. She remembers, but this is different. This pain rings in her bones and then slowly disappears. _Disappointment. _She slams it on her hand again. _Ah. _She becomes very angry with herself and crashes the door to her hand again. And again. And again. And again.

Until Derek opens the door. " Addison!! Are you CRAZY? Stop all the racket!! You're just going to call even more attention to yourself!"

Addison pulls her hand out from inside the locker and quietly shuts it. She can't bring herself to look at him.

Derek challenges her again. "I mean, can you get anymore selfish, ADDISON?!" He mocks her, saying her name with a certain twang that irritates her to the bone.

She just wants to crawl into a hole and fall asleep. She closes her eyes, hoping that maybe she'll wake up from this nightmare. She can hear Derek breathing heavily beside her for a few minutes, and then she opens her eyes again. She feels numb and her face remains expressionless. "I'm sorry, Derek. Let's go home."

Derek sighs. "Fine. Let's go."

They change out of their scrubs. Addison surprises Derek by joining him in his car. Derek stares at her and then starts the engine. _Why is she here? Her car is parked only a few rows over and she's perfectly capable of driving. _He shrugs it off. _I can't deal with this now. I have work to do._

They sit in silence for the whole ride back to the brownstone. Addison slips into a nightgown and climbs in the bed. Derek spends the night in his office, reviewing paperwork. As Addison lies in bed, she realizes it for the first time. _Our marriage is over. _

She hears a small _beep! _on her dresser and then a rumble of vibrations. It's her cell phone signaling a text message. She picks it up and reads "Hey. Are u okay? Mark"

She smiles, flipping the phone between her hand. She rolls over, placing the phone back on her dresser. And finally, Addison reaches to turn off the light. Within minutes, she falls asleep without her husband.

* * *

_I've been trying to get down to the heart of the matter  
but my will gets weak and my thoughts seem to scatter  
but I think it's about forgiveness, forgiveness, even if, even if you don't love me anymore._

_**Present time, Seattle Grace Hosptial**_

"Derek," Addison says calmly, "we've talked about this. I've already forgiven you for everything and you've forgiven me. We've moved past it."

He turns his head to look at her. "We did talk about it and I thought you were okay. You said that you weren't ever going to do it again." He pauses. "It was my fault then and now. I'm thinking of breaking up with Meredith." He looks back down at the floor, trying to escape by staring into space.

Addison brings her legs up to her chest and rests her head on her bended knees. "You can't do that," she whispers. _Is he trying to make me feel guilty?_

Her voice brings Derek's back to reality. He glances quickly at her and then does a double-take. _I didn't mean to get her so upset. _He turns his whole body and scoots closer to her. "Hey." She looks away and a tear falls from her eye. He brushes it away and tilts his head. "No, Addie. It's not you. It's me. I don't want to hurt Meredith."

"But you're not hurting her!" Addison protests, "She loves you and you're not doing anything wrong. Did you ever think about the reason that we're still alive? Why did Meredith come back to consciousness? Why didn't I just take a bottle of pills? Why are we still alive? Look at the common thread, Derek. It's you."

Thrown off by his own argument being turned on him, Derek remains speechless. His eyes trail down the blanket, resting his gaze on the hem. Addison continues, "And if we keep blaming ourselves, we'll just be going around in circles. We'll accomplish nothing."

_That is a very good point, _Derek thinks. "Okay," he mutters quietly. "I won't break up with Meredith."

"Okay." Addison lays back down in bed and stares at the ceiling._ Order is restored._

Derek gets up off the bed and straightens out his white coat. He stands over Addison, blocking her view of the ceiling.

"What?" she asks.

Derek smiles. "Thank you. I really needed that." He reaches for her hand and leans over to move closer to her. "Can you make me a new promise?"

Addison nods weakly. _Let me guess, he wants me to stop cutting again._

Derek can sense her nervousness and he reassures her, "I'm not asking you to quit cold. I just want you to try to fix this thing. And that means seeing a therapist."

Addison wrinkles her nose in disapproval. _I won't be able to talk about it. He had better not expect anything out of me. But he's caring, like I asked him to, so I have to do this._

Derek straightens up and laughs. "It's going to be worth your while. We should have done this a long time ago. And, I just decided that I'm going to have Meredith see one too. And maybe me too. We all could use some psychological help."

Addison agrees and the door to her room clicks open again. It's Alex, juggling an assortment of bagels and doughnuts and two coffees. Derek rushes over to him and helps him bring the food over to Addison's table. Alex kisses her on the head. "Sorry. I tried to get back before you woke. How did you sleep?"

"Okay," Addison says as she reaches for a bagel. "Derek woke me up." She mock glares at him and he pretends to be offended. "And then we talked about how it's not his fault that I'm so messed up." She smirks and dips her finger into the cream cheese and licks it.

Alex kicks off his shoes and Addison sits up and scoots forward, allowing him to sit behind her with her body between his legs. She rests back onto his chest and takes a bit of her bagel. Alex kisses her cheek. "You're not messed up. You're perfect."

The mood turns serious again as Derek says, "I know it's your personal business, but are you ever going to tell us why...you harm yourself?"

Addison freezes for a moment. _I should really tell them. They deserve to know._

Her thoughts are interrupted by a loud, shrill voice. "Addison!! Addison!!!!"

Addison's eyes roll back into her head and she forces herself under the blanket, telling Alex to "Hide me."

Alex wraps his arms protectively around her, confused. Derek watches the door and within seconds it's thrown open. A tall woman with strawberry blonde hair struts in, followed by Mark, an older man, and a teenage boy. The woman seems to be the dominating force, marching up to Addison bed and peering down at him. She sizes Alex up and Alex does the same. What Alex notices most is her clothes. Alex can't tell if they are designer, but he knows that the garments have to be worth more than his.

Finally she speaks. "You must be the new boyfriend." She glances down, disapproving of their position, as Addison is still hidden under the blanket. "You're rather young. Are you rich?"

Alex shakes his head and turns to look at Derek, who mouths, "Addison's mother." Alex looks around the room. The old man has already settled himself in a chair, cracking open a laptop and scattered papers everywhere. The boy sits by his father, quietly, staring at the floor.

_This must be her family, _Alex thinks. He turns back to the mother, who has begun to poke the lump on the bed that Addison's body has formed, trying to get her to come out. Addison shoves the blankets down and looks at Alex with teary eyes. He brings her close to him and whispers, "I understand."

Addison's mother begins to poke her again. "Addison! Introduce me to your new friend."

Addison glares at her. "Mom, this is Alex." She makes a vague gesture to Alex. "Alex, this is my mom." She really wants to say "I'm sorry that you ever had to see her face," but she bites her tongue.

Addison's mother gives Alex her perfectly manicured hand. "Hello, Alex. I'm Elise Montgomery."

* * *

Song is Don Henley.

Hmm. I'm a little too tired to write an author's note. I'll save it for next time.


	8. Because of You Part 1

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 **

**Can't Fight the Moonlight **

Chapter 8: Because of You Part 1

* * *

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight_

_"Hide me."_

_Alex wraps his arms protectively around her, confused. Derek watches the door and within seconds it's thrown open. A tall woman with strawberry blonde hair struts in, followed by Mark, an older man, and a teenage boy._

_This must be her family, Alex thinks. He turns back to the mother, who has begun to poke the lump on the bed that _ _Addison__'s body has formed, trying to get her to come out. _ _Addison__ shoves the blankets down and looks at Alex with teary eyes. He brings her close to him and whispers, "I understand."_

_Addison__'s mother begins to poke her again. "_ _Addison__! Introduce me to your new friend."_

_Addison__ glares at her. "Mom, this is Alex." She makes a vague gesture to Alex. "Alex, this is my mom." _

_Addison__'s mother gives Alex her perfectly manicured hand. "Hello, Alex. I'm Elise Montgomery."_

* * *

_Because of you  
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me.  
Because of you, I am afraid._

Alex shakes Elise's hand. "Alex Karev," he states.

"Ahh...yes. The intern. I've heard so much about you. " Elise grins. Her smirk reminds Derek of Addison's entrance to his life in Seattle.

Addison's jaw drops open. "From who?" _I haven't talked to her in over a year!_

Elise pats Addison on the head. "From Mark, of course." She presents Mark, who stands sheepishly by the door. Addison, Alex, and Derek all glare at him.

He shrugs. "What? She called yesterday."

"That's right." Elise grins. "I missed him." She sighs. "I was so happy to see him. And I really love his hair." She runs her fingers through it, messing it up a little. Mark raises his eyebrow, but Elise doesn't notice. "I think he looks hot like this, don't you agree, Addison?"

Addison groans. "Mom, if this is you're trying to appear younger by using the word 'hot', it's not working."

Elise pretends not to hear her and continues fussing with Mark's clothes. "You kind of look like Leo DiCaprio. Very handsome. If my daughter didn't already have an affair with you, I might pulled a Mrs. Robinson, you know, from The Graduate."

Mark takes it as a compliment. "Yeah, Mrs. Montgomery, thanks." He tries to shuffle away from her, but she grabs onto his coat.

"Now, Mark, I told you to call me Elise. Unless 'Mrs. Montgomery' turns you on. Which is fine with me. Maybe we could make a little roleplay happen?" She laughs, but Addison is mortified. "Mom!" she gasps.

"Oh, Addison, you're so naive. I'm just kidding." She winks at Mark and laughs again. "We must have lunch again though."

This time, Addison directs her anger at Mark. "You had lunch with her?! I can't believe you!" Addison complains. _Doesn't he know how terrible my mother is?_

"I didn't really have a choice." Mark protests.

"But why HER?" She whispers, "She's the last person on the face of the earth that I would want to see!"

" Addison!" her mother scolds. "You shouldn't be so jealous." Addison rolls her eyes. Sometimes Elise could be so self-centered.

Elise ignores her and continues. "And why should YOU stop me from having lunch with my _favorite_ plastic surgeon." She walks over to Mark and rubs his chest while smiling at him. "It just disappoints me that I had to hear about your new...love interest from Mark, instead of you. Are you _that _embarrassed?"

Addison blushes and whispers to Alex. "That's not why..." _Please understand._

He nods. "I know." _I hope she knows that I trust her. That's the last thing she should be worried about._

Elise taps Addison on the foot. "Speak up!!"

Derek rests his hand over Elise's. "That's enough." _She doesn't deserve any more of your abuse._

Elise pulls her hand out from under Derek's and smacks his wrist. Hard. "Don't you dare touch me, young man! You're not married to my daughter anymore and-"

"I can still protect her from you!" Derek stares Elise in the eye. She's never liked, always stereotyped him because of his rural background. She never gave him a chance, so why should he give her any respect? The hatred was mutual from the start. He always held himself back, because of Addison, who hated confronting her mother. But now, he's not married to Addison anymore and now there's nothing stopping him from cussing out Elise right here in the hospital.

Except for Mark. Who steps between the two instantly as he sees trouble coming.

Elise dodges Mark and steps back into Derek's view. "Protect her from me?!" She laughs, like a real evil villain. "And what about you, Derek?" She spits out his name, just like Addison does when she's really mad. "Who protected her from you when you left her crying all alone in the big brownstone?"

Derek's face turns red and he grits his teeth. "Why. Are. You. Here?" _Admit it. The only reason you're here is to upset _ _Addison_

Elise presses a hand innocently to her cheek. " Addison didn't tell you? I called several days ago." She turns back to Addison and wags her finger at her. "Shame on you, Addison." She saunters over to the man in the chair at the front of the room and places her hand on his shoulder. "Steven and I, we're getting a divorce. We need a lawyer and I know my daughter wouldn't use anything but the best. We're here for your recommendations. And, of course, I wanted to visit Mark." She blows a kiss at Mark, who looks away, pretending not to notice.

Alex hugs Addison closer and Derek's eyes narrow at Elise. "Bullshit." _There's no way that Elise Montgomery dragged her ass all the way to _ _Seattle__ for a divorce lawyer. She's just here to torment _ _Addison__, to rub the divorce in her face._

Elise turns to her husband and pats his shoulder. "It's true. Right, Steven?" No answer. She pats him a little harder. "Steven?"

Steven shakes her hand off of his shoulder. "Elise, I'm trying to work." He continues to stare at his laptop, typing at the speed of light.

Addison can't shake the horrible feeling residing in the pit of her stomach. "Dad?" Her voice cracks. He waves her off, dismissing her. Addison doesn't remember when he became like this. He'd been a good father through her childhood and teenage years. She could even forgive him for never learning how to protect her from Elise. But this blunt indifference? It's painful. Especially when all she wants is for him to look at her. _Just like Derek._

She turns to her brother and stares at him. He's grown up a lot since the last time she saw him. His hair is lighter than Addison's, the same color as their mother's, and it hangs down in his face. He's so tall that Addison suspects he's grown at least a foot. His sad eyes are light too, but his soft features reflect their father. Addison says his name softly, "Kevin." He's startled that she's even talking to him, but she continues, "How are you?"

"He's fine." Elise declares for him. "He'll stay with his father until he finishes high school in a year. He's graduating a semester early!" She claps her hands together in delight.

_I didn't ask you, _ Addison wants to say. But she's never been able to stand up to her mother, so she tries to connect with Kevin once more. "Do you know what you want to major in?"

Kevin smiles, interested now that they're talking about him. "No. I may not go to college. I want to see if I can make it on my own first, as a musician."

Addison looks up at Alex and explains, "Kevin is an amazing pianist."

"As are you." Derek adds. _She never gives herself enough credit._

"But I'm not as good." Addison says while smiling at Kevin.

Kevin watches his sister. She's been through so much and she's still so compassionate. "How are you? Mark told us about..." He looks at the floor. "He told us what happened."

Annoyed by Mark's gossipy nature, Derek complains, "Mark! I asked you not to tell anyone! And I said it nicely!" _Which takes a lot of self-control when it comes to you._

"It's her family!" Mark declares. _They can help her, like before._

"If you knew ANYTHING at all, you would have just kept your mouth shut!" Derek stands up to get into Mark's face, making Mark even angrier.

"You act like I don't CARE about her! She was my best friend too! She NEEDS her family." Mark debates. _He acts like I'm an outsider to _ _Addison__'s life. But I know her better._

Mark and Derek continue to argue and Addison becomes upset. Alex brings her hand up to his mouth so he can kiss it. _They're acting like two year olds, as always, even though they know that _ _Addison__ hates it when they fight. And what's with her family not even caring about her situation? It's like the divorce is more important than their daughter's current state of mental instabilty._

Kevin stands from his chair and walks over to Addison's bedside. "I'm sorry. You don't have to talk about it if you don't want to. I just want to know how you are."

Everyone gathers around Addison's bed and Elise doesn't like this. Everyone is supposed to be looking at HER. She yells too, in a high-pitched shrill voice that's louder than Mark and Derek combined. "EVERYONE!! CALM DOWN!" She stands between Mark and Derek, placing her hands over their mouths. Derek covers his ears with his hands. Her hand muffles his voice, but he's still understandable. "OW! You can't do that in a hospital!"

Elise smacks the side of his head, but quickly places her hand back over his mouth. "Shut up!" Her eyes dart between Mark, who stands still, watching her in awe, and Derek, who struggles with his moral belief of not hitting a woman. Elise licks her lips and says, "I would expect more from the two of you."

Alex explains, "Oh, it's okay. They do this a lot." _Was it a mistake to say that? I should just stop talking and concentrate on _ _Addison_

Elise glances at the two of them, raising her eyebrows. "Oh, really?" She removes her hands from Mark and Derek's faces. "Are you two still battling over the affection of my daughter?"

"No." Derek answers forcefully. Mark stares at the ground. He's not sure what Elise wants him to say, but he definitely doesn't want to get on her bad side.

Elise pivots her body so she's fully facing Derek. "You have no right." Elise declares. Derek looks away, but Elise grabs his chin to make him look at her. "When you signed those divorce papers, you gave up the right to look at her ever again, let alone pursue her." Her voice remains calm and even; Alex can see where Addison gets her ability to hide emotions.

Derek angrily moves her hand away from his chin. "Pursue her? In case you haven't heard, I have a girlfriend."

Elise laughs. "You cheated on your _WIFE_. What is going to stop you from cheating on your girlfriend?"

Derek clenches his fists and his jaw. "I love her and I will never cheat on her. I'm just trying to protect Addison, from Mark and from YOU."

Elise steps on her tippy-toes, intimidating Derek by getting right in his face. "Well, while you were busy 'protecting' her from Mark and me, look who found her! An INTERN!" she snarls and gestures over to the bed.

Alex stares at her with a wide-eyed expression. _Did she really just say that? Or am I imagining her? There's no way anyone would really say that. _He stays silent, but wonders if he should defend himself.

"I mean, _really_, Addison, he looks like he just got out of college." Elise is on a roll. No one can stop her. "And I don't want to get into your sex life, but you should be careful. Don't let him pressure you into anything. Who _knows _where his- oh, you know- has been!"

The rage has been building up in Addison's gut for years and she can't stand it anymore. She hops up out of her bed and paces over to her mother. "What are you thinking?" Addison grabs Elise by the shoulders. "NO ONE says that. At least, not out loud. You don't even KNOW Alex! He's smart and kind and he's more of a man than Derek..."

Derek shrugs, admitting the truth.

Addison continues, "...and Mark...". Mark, offended, exclaims "Hey!".

But Addison ignores him. "...put together." she finishes. "I don't care what you think! You can label him all you want, but I have enough maturity to look past all of that. I love him, Mom, and you can't change that."

"Don't be silly, Addison." Elise says as she wiggles out of Addison's grasp. "You just got divorced. I know you're a little rusty on the dating scene, but this is called a 'rebound relationship'." She spells it out, as if talking to a child.

Addison throws her hands up in the air. "The divorce was over a YEAR ago, Mom. I've already rebounded with Mark- Sorry, Mark-and I knew Alex for almost a year before that."

Elise sighs. "Don't tell me that you cheat-" She stops mid-sentence and her eyes rest on Addison's forearm. Watching her mother closely, Addison quickly hides it behind her and climbs back into bed with Alex before anyone else can notice. _I shouldn't have yelled at her. I'm so stupid. I always knew that this would happen, which is why I've never stood up to her. It's going to be more than a lot of trouble covering this one up._

Addison appears guilty and Elise gives no mercy. She clears her throat and looks at Mark. "Mark, dear, could you take Steven and Kevin down to the cafeteria? I need some privacy with my daughter."

* * *

_I lose my way and it's not too long before you point it out.  
I cannot cry because you know that's weakness in your eyes_.

Elise stares coldly at her daughter, as she has been for the past ten minutes. Derek sits in his chair, watching Elise's every move. He had refused to leave and instructed Alex to do the same.

Addison remains enveloped in Alex's arms. _I wish I could just make everyone forget, so no questions are asked. _She prays for a miracle. Like a sudden ability to disappear. She clamps her eyes shut. When she opens them again, she's disappointed to find everyone anxiously staring at her. _Oh-no. Maybe if I just keep my eyes shut, no one will talk. I'll fall asleep and when I wake up, everyone will be gone. _

Much to her dismay, Elise finally speaks, "The scratches on your arms look _painful. _What happened?"

The room remains quiet for a while until Addison mumbles, "It was an accident." Addison's terrified, for the millionth time in these past few days. She just _can't _talk about this with her mother. She CAN'T do this. It makes her heart jump up in her throat until she can't breathe.

Elise walks toward Addison until she's standing right next to the bed. She places her hands on the bed, leaning down to look Addison in the eye. "Don't lie to me." She says sharply. She pauses and taps her foot. "This is just senseless. Why would you knowingly cause yourself pain? I don't even know where you would get such an idea. It sounds like something a spoiled teenager would do if she didn't always get her way."

Addison purses her lips. _What if I'm really like that? _She glances at Alex and Derek, both staring out into space. _Do they think I'm spoiled and annoying? _She wraps her blanket tightly around her hand, attempting to release some of the energy building in her mind. _I try not to be selfish._

Elise watches Addison look away. She knows that she can scare her into anything. "Is that how I raised you? Have I let you down somehow? Have I given you some subtle hint that hurting yourself is the answer to all problems?"

Addison presses her hands to her head. _Shut up. Shut up. Please._

"There's no way I'm going to let my daughter live in some mental institution..." Elise continues to ramble on and Addison begins to get desperate. _I need to find something sharp. But it's not like I can just get up. _ Addison twists her hands in the blanket even more. _I just want to scream. _She tries to dig her nails into her skin. _Please Mom. Stop talking._

Derek, who has been sitting quietly and trying not to listen, notices Addison struggling. Her hands begin to turn red and an instinct flashes inside of him, making him stand and move over to her bed. "Elise, I think that's enough."

Alex watches Derek curiously. _What is he doing? _Derek makes a vague gesture to Addison's hands, just enough so only Alex can see. Alex takes the hint and quickly untangles Addison's hands from the blanket, holding them firmly. He massages them, soothing the indents left by her sharp nails.

Elise takes a step forward moving closer to Derek. "I think that you need to stop commanding everyone around when, really, you have no idea what's going on."

"But I do." _I remembered._ Derek thinks.

"Poor Derek." Elise laughs. "You don't even know the worst of it. Why don't you ask her about what happened in New York? Ask her if THAT was an accident."

Addison stares numbly at her blanket, embarrassed. _What am I going to do? Everyone is about to find out EVERYHING!_

Derek stands up to hover beside Addison's bed. "You told her?"

Alex sits up from his slouched position, bringing Addison with him. "It's happened before?"

Addison pulls away from Alex, wanting to hide away from all of them. Elise stands up and turns Derek back toward her by grabbing his shoulder. "How would you know? You weren't even there! Did Mark call you?"

Addison groans and buries her face in the blanket in front of her. All hell is about to break loose. Derek stares at Elise, puzzled. "But I WAS there." He whispers, "I just didn't remember it until recently."

Elise crosses her arms. "What are you talking about? You were in SEATTLE."

"What?" Derek falters. He turns back to Addison and gently tries to tilt her head out of the blankets. " Addison, why?" But he already knows the answer to that question. He starts again. "I just-" _I thought she told me everything._

Addison looks up. Her face has turned bright red, but no tears escape her eyes. She's learned not to cry around other people, especially her mother. Her eyes find her Elise's and she shakes her head. "You can't just go around telling everyone! It wasn't even a big deal!"

Elise sighs. "But it WAS a big deal. Mark was scared out of his wits. That's why he called me."

Addison squints in frustration. She can't remember much, but she doesn't think that Mark called Elise. _But I definitely remember how scared Mark was. _She shudders as she recalls the look on his face. She shakes the image out of her head. _I can't let Mom get away with this. Derek will think that I lied to him._ "It was ONE scratch! I cut myself shaving and Mark just made a huge deal out of it." She tries to direct her comments toward Derek, but he's not even paying attention to the conversation.

"Oh, please Addison, do you think I'm stupid?" Elise sputters. "MY DAUGHTER would NEVER shave her legs in her BED! I know you, Addison. And there's something wrong with that picture."

_There's something wrong with ME. _But Addison knows her mother will never admit it. "You weren't even THERE!"

Bewildered, Alex stares at the two of them as they volley excuses back and forth. _How did _ _Addison__ live with this? _He decides that Elise is something out of this world. _I can understand all the flirting with Sloan. That's like a natural instinct for every woman. But why does she continually bully _ _Addison_He scoots up closer, wrapping his arms around Addison while avoiding out-of-control hand gestures flying towards his face.

Derek can't take his eyes off of Addison. _She must have done this right after I left. It WAS my fault after all. I can't believe I was stupid enough to believe her when she said that his was all about her. _

Alex tries to make eye contact with Derek. _If Shepherd can get control of Elise, then I can calm _ _Addison_ But Derek won't look up.

Alex decides to try to soothe Addison anyway. He runs his fingers through her hair and whispers kind words in her ear. Addison still won't listen. So, he's forced to grab her arms and loosely clamp a hand over her mouth.

Derek snaps out of his trance and takes the hint. Though Addison has quieted, Elise continues speaking at a very high rate and volume. "I just don't understand. I gave you everything. What did I do wrong? I just wanted the best for y-"

She's stopped by Derek's strong hand over her face and his arm around her waist. He picks her up and struggles to deposit her outside the room. Surprisingly, Elise makes no move to reenter.

Derek leans against the door, breathing heavily. Exhausted, his hooded eyes meet Addison's. He remembers, _I'm the one who's caused all of her pain. She can't keep doing this. Three times make a habit. Her life is at stake and if the only way to save her is ending our friendship, then I will. _He takes a deep breath before exiting the room quickly.

Finally, Addison finds the tears within her and sobs into Alex arms.

* * *

I know, I know. It's been like forever since I updated. Sorry.

I just couldn't decide on whether to make this chapter funny or sad. So, it's awkwardly both. Whatever.

So, Elise's whole "I don't want to get into your sex life, but be careful" speech? True story. Embarrassingly.

This whole chapter was basically setting up for the next chapter. I know that Addison talks with her brother and a lot of stuff is cleared up. I think that Derek and Alex talk, but I'm not sure. And there might be a flashback.

Presents for reviewing: 8th Harry Potter book, 12th season of Friends, Eric Dane wearing nothing but a tube sock, Van Gogh's ear, and a Rubik's cube. All wrapped nicely in a package. Limited supplies, because Van Gogh has only two ears. But I cloned Eric Dane, so there's quite a few of him waiting to be shipped out. Crap, do I have enough tube socks?

Thanks for reading. And for putting up with my weirdness.


	9. Because of You Part 2

A/N: Yeah, I know that I suck. It's been months, or weeks. I don't really know. You should just read it and then read the second author's note at the bottom.

Actually, I suggest maybe going back a few chapters to catch up. That's what I would do.

And this isn't beta-ed, so excuse grammar errors/overall horribleness. I just wanted to get this out so you'd know that I wasn't dead. The next will be better. :)

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 9: Because of You Part 2

* * *

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight…_

_She turns to her brother and stares at him. He's grown up a lot since the last time she saw him. His hair is lighter than Addison's, the same color as their mother's, and it hangs down in his face. He's so tall that Addison suspects he's grown at least a foot. His sad eyes are light too, hidden behind dark brown glasses. Addison says his name softly, "Kevin." He's startled that she's even talking to him, but she continues, "How are you?"_

_"He's fine." Elise declares for him. "He'll stay with his father until he finishes high school in a year. He's graduating a semester early!" She claps her hands together in delight._

_I didn't ask you, __Addison wants to say. But she's never been able to stand up to her mother, so she tries to connect with Kevin once more. "Do you know what you want to major in?"_

_Kevin smiles, interested now that they're talking about him. "No. I may not go to college. I want to see if I can make it on my own first, as a musician."_

_Addison looks up at Alex and explains, "Kevin is an amazing pianist."_

_"As are you." Derek adds. __She never gives herself enough credit._

_"But I'm not as good." Addison says while smiling at Kevin._

_Kevin watches his sister. She's been through so much and she's still so compassionate. "How are you? Mark told us about..." He looks at the floor. "He told us what happened."_

* * *

_I'm forced to fake  
a smile, a laugh, everyday of my life.  
And now I cry in the middle of the night  
for the same damn thing._

Kevin Montgomer walks down the white hall of the hospital. He'd ditched Mark almost a half hour ago. Lunch with his unexsistant father and a certain arrogant plastic surgeon? No thank you. It's not that he doesn't like Mark. But there's no common ground between the two of them whatsoever. So, as soon as the word "implant" was mentioned, Kevin sudddenly felt the urge to use the "bathroom". Really, he wanted to see Addison. When Elise had suspiciously asked for privacy, an alert went off in Kevins head. He knew his mother was up to something and he needed to be there to correct whatever damage she caused. After all, it was his fault that Elise even knew about Addison's cutting. He hadn't meant to tell her about what he saw and now he's regretting it. As he makes his way around the final corner to Addion's room, the sight startles him. Elise and Derek lean against the wall on opposite sides of Addison's door. Elise's face remains expressionless, but Derek seems sad. _This must be what Addison deemed the 'puppy dog face' of Derek's. Man, she must have really taken it out of them. But, Addison? It's not like her to stand up to Mom. Or maybe it was her new boyfriend. Sure, he seems quiet, but the way he was holding Addison? He definitely has a protective nature. Maybe Mom pushed her limits, sent the new guy over the edge. _Well, whatever the reason, it wasn't going to stop Kevin from getting into that room. Apparently, it wasn't even going to try to stop him, because when Kevin marches up to the two, they remain silent. He was at least expecting some sort of resistance to him seeing Addison, but neither offers an explanation for their behavior.

When he enters the room, Addison sniffles and tightens her arms around Alex. She doesn't even look up when he closes the door.

But Alex does. He smiles weakly, and then looks away uncomfortably. Kevin walks over to Addison's bed and stutters "I- I don't mean to intrude, but could I have some privacy with my sister?"

Alex looks at Addison shakily. _The last time one of her relatives asked for some privacy, it didn't turn out too well. I don't know if she's ready for more of this. _

Kevin, sensing Alex's hesistation, (and knowing his mother) says quickly. "Hey. It's okay. I'm not my mom." He laughs nervously. _Why is Addison crying? Mom's outside holding back tears. I can't think of anything that would upset BOTH of them this much. _

Alex explains, "It's not that." He leans towards Addison, who still hasn't broken her stare at some random corner of the room. "I think she's tired." He asks her, "Are you tired, Addison?"

No response, other than more staring at the corner. After a while, Kevin decides to leave, but then Addison moves before his hand touches the doorknob. She slowly sits up enough for Alex to slip out of the bed. "I want to talk to Kevin." she croaks.

Alex watches her cautiously. "Are you sure? You don't have to. I can stay, if you want."

"Actually," Kevin interrupts, "that might not be a good idea. No offense."

Alex nods, but turns to Addison. "What do you wnat?"

Addison's eyes now remain fixed staring out the window. "I want to talk to Kevin."

He rubs her arms as he steps out of the bed. "I love you." He drops a kiss on her head before exiting the room.

Addison rubs the tingling sensation that the kiss left on her head. "I love you too," she whispers to herself. She avoids eye contact with Kevin as she settles back into the bed.

Kevin knows that he needs to initiate the conversation before Addison loses concentration and begins spacing out again. "I'm sorry."

With this statement, he grabs her attention. She wants to launch into another "Don't feel sorry for me" speech, but she just doesn't have the strength.

"It's my fault," he continues. "that mom knows...about your problem. You know, the cutting." For a second, Kevin almost laughs. _It's osrt of ironic. She's a surgeon and she cuts herself. Wow. I'm being incredibly inappropriate._

Addison looks down nervously. _There's no way... How could he possibly know? And why does he care enough to come clean about this? It's not like it matters anyway. _"Did Mark tell you?" _It certainly wasn't Derek._

"No- no." Kevin quickly denies. "I saw you that day. The day after Derek left."

"You saw me?" Addison questions._ I didn't even talk to him that day. _

Kevin pushes his glasses back up onto the bridge of his nose. "I went to see you that day after school. I didn't even know about Derek; I just wanted some help with my physics homework. But you were in the shower, so I waited at the kitchen table.

Addison nods. Kevin often stopped by the brownstone after school when Elise was driving him crazy at home or when he needed a quiet place to do his homework. As an added bonus, the place was a total babe magnet. No parents, expensive furniture, and lots of food. With Addison and Derek gone for most of the day, the brownstone was ideal for dates.

But that day, Kevin hadn't brought a date with him. It was embarrassing enough to be failing Physics I as a junior. He didn't need the girl he was trying to impress watch him struggle with the concept of velocity. "I waited for a long time. You were in the shower for over an hour."

Addison remembers. The water had been burning hot. She scrubbed her skin raw and red until it had gone numb, much like her shower after the rape. "Why didn't you come and get me?" She wonders out loud.

"I did." Kevin fidgets with the rim of glasses. "When the shower shut off and you didn't come down, I went up to your bathroom. I was very quiet and I saw you sitting on your bed, wrapped up in your towel. I almost said something, but then I saw the blood running down your leg. And the razor in your hand." She'd had a glazed expression in her eyes and Kevin couldn't tell if she was crying or drunk.

Addison gulps. "I'm sorry. I didn't think away was looking. You shouldn't have seen that." _That's the kind of thing that scars people for life. _

"Well, I was kind of angry about it at first." Kevin laughs quietly. "That's why I sped off home to tell Mom."

_He was angry? _"YOU told Mom?! She said that Mark had called her about everything."

"Mark?!" Now Kevin genuinely laughs. "No, he didn't say anything to her. God, that woman is something. Her obsession with Mark is getting a little out of hand."

"No, really?" Addison says sarcastically. "Why would Mom say that Mark told her?" _It's not like she has a conscious._

Kevin knew the answer to this one. "I immediately regretted telling her afterwards. So," he replies simply with a smile. "I bribed her a little, so she wouldn't tell a soul that I had seen you. I guess I should have extended the agreement so she wouldn't have bothered you." _Even then, she still would have found a way out._

"You BRIBED her?" _What kind of dirt does he have on Mom? _"How? Why? How?" Addison breathes out.

Kevin chuckles. "You don't want to know."

Addison grabs onto his shirt and pulls him down to look her in the eye. "Yes. I. Do. Trust me. I want to know."

Kevin seems pained for a moment and wrenches her hands from his shirt. Running a hand through his hair, he sighs. "I don't want to upset you..."

Addison swallows hard. His mood changed so quickly, confusing her. _He's doing the pity thing...I'd better get used to this. _Addison tries to remain calm, but she can't think of anything to say. She doesn't want to make him tell her, but she can't just forget what he already said.

Kevin squints, trying to find the right words. "It's nothing that you don't know already."

"Really?" Addison asks, silently begging him to continue.

Kevin paces beside her bed and then turns to face her. "Do you remember when you were really little and you used to do those pagents?"

Addison nods. Ever since she was old enough, Elise had forced her into these beauty pagents for little girls. As an adult, Addison found them perverted and degrading, but as a young child, she never knew the whole truth about the pagents. She liked to dress up in the pretty outfits, but she couldn't understand why Elise would get mad when Addison received less than the biggest trophy available.

But most of all, little Addison hated the baton lessons.

She practiced for hours, Elise screaming after her when she dropped it. Addison shivers just thinking about it.

Kevin notices and pauses. _I knew she would get upset. I shouldn't have ever opened my big mouth. _

Addison reassures him, "No, it's okay. I had totally forgotten. It's been so long."

"Oh." Kevin nods. "Okay." He purses his lips together. "Do you remember when you stopped, or more importantly, why you quit the pagents?"

Addison scratches her head. "It's a little fuzzy..." Addison hates not being able to remember. Lately, it seems that she's forgotten more things than usual. _Is this what aging feels like? _"Didn't I fall, or something?"

Kevin's face turns as cold and hard as stone. "Elise pushed you. Right off the balance beam."

Addison laughs a little. "No, she didn't not. You weren't even born yet. How would you know?"

Kevin ceases to move. "Maria told me."

"Maria." Addison smiles. That's a face she can remember. "Our housekeeper. I miss her."

Kevin smiles too, finally letting some warmth travel back into his face. "Yeah, me too."

Addison wrinkles her nose in thought. "Was it just a year ago that she died?"

Kevin crosses his arms. "Yes. She was the only thing that made living with Mom tolerable. Maria was the only person that Mom was ever scared of. She told me to never let Mom take advantage of me. And she told me about the pagents. She was looking out for you. She SAW Mom grab your arm and twist it. And then she saw Mom push you off of the balance beam."

Addison speaks flatly. "Maria was old and her vision wasn't that great anyway. Look, I remember something about Mom maybe grabbing me a little harshly. But in the end, what really hurt me was the fall."

Kevin presses his hand to his forehead and then violently gestures up in the air. "COME ON. Would Maria lie about something like this? You were nine and the balance beam was like three feet up in the air!"

"If it's at the right angle, you can break you arm falling from three inches." Addison mutters.

"You KNOW it's the truth. I mean, even Mom knows it. That's why she shut up when I threatened to tell Dad."

"You threatened to tell DAD?!" _Wow. That would kill him. He used to be so overprotective of me._

"Don't worry. I didn't need to. For all he knows, you still 'fell'." Kevin makes quotation marks with his fingers in the air and rolls his eyes.

_I don't know if he would even care anymore. _Addison sighs and then shakes her head. _Don't pity yourself!! It only makes things worse. _

Kevin notices her and pats her on the head. "I know you've had to deal with a lot of confrontations during the past couple of days..."

Addison just stares at him. Under his breath, he murmurs, "And that's the understatement of the century." Trying for a more optimistic outlook, he remarks, "It must feel better, to have everything out in the open."

Addison presses her head into the pillow. "It's okay. I have a lot to think about, but it seems like no one wants me to think at all! I mean, there's so much going through my head right now, and I can't just push it all away. It's getting clearer, or at least I'm trying to make it clearer." Addison smiles weakly.

Kevin nods along, being a supportive brother, but not really understanding all that she is saying. Suddenly, they hear shouting outside of the room.

Addison groans and Derek, Mark, and Alex all rush into the room. Derek speaks calmly. "Addison, don't worry. We will fix this."

Addison peers at him, puzzled. _Fix what? What's going on?_

Elise storms through the room, her face tear-stained. She tries to wipe the mascara from it and sniffles. Soon, she gives up with a growl. Yanking Addison forward by the hand, she yells "ADDISON! You're coming HOME!!"

* * *

A/N: Okay, okay. I know. I'm a terrible person. I should have updated. But the thing is, I was in Wisconsin. And then I went to France for a loooong time. So, sorry.

I wrote the first half of this before I left and the second part after, so if it seems OOC or confusing, that's why. And also, I used to have a flashback stuck right in the middle which I hated.

And umm...the Eric Dane clones were arrested for public indecency. Didn't you read it in US Weekly? smirks Next time I'll know better.

The next chapter will be the last for Elise and the family. Thank God. I can't take any more of her. She is driving my head CRAZY.

Since I haven't updated for the past two months, I really shouldn't ask you to review, but I'm going to anyway. So here it is:  
Review, my beautiful readers.


	10. End of the Tunnel

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

**Chapter 10: End of the Tunnel**

_There's a light at each end of this tunnel,  
You shout 'cause you're just as far in as you'll ever be out _

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight…_

_Kevin nods along, being a supportive brother, but not really understanding all that she is saying. Suddenly, they hear shouting outside of the room._

_Addison groans and Derek, Mark, and Alex all rush into the room. Derek speaks calmly. "_ _Addison__, don't worry. We will fix this."_

_Addison peers at him, puzzled._

_Elise storms through the room, her face tear-stained. She tries to wipe the mascara from it and sniffles. Soon, she gives up with a growl. Yanking _ _Addison__ forward by the hand, she yells "_ _ADDISON__! You're coming HOME!!"_

* * *

Addison shoves her away, but Elise keeps a strong clutch on hand. "Don't you want to come back home? You'll be safe. You won't hurt yourself anymore." Addison closes her eyes; she won't look at her mother in this condition.

Alex moves quicker than both Derek and Mark. Wrenching Elise from Addison, he stands between them.

Elise confidently places a hand on her hip and points a finger at Alex. "And YOU! You're just like HIM!" She whips her arm toward Derek. "Every mark, every self-inflicted scratch on her body is because of you." Elise indicates both Derek and Alex. "She NEVER tried any of this with Mark and never when she was younger. Only when someone really hurts her." She glares pointedly at Derek. "I'm taking her home where I can help her."

Elise struggles to get past Alex, but he won't let her by. Pounding on his chest and half-way to tears, Elise yells, "Let me help my daughter! I can fix her!"

Addison throws the covers off of her body and straightens her scrubs as she stands up. "_What_ are you talking about?" She enunciates every word. Her mother has never helped her. Ever.

Frustrated, Elise backs off and crosses her arms. She tosses her hair back and glances commandingly at Mark. "Mark, remind her. Remind her what I did for her in New York."

Mark moves over to Addison. Convinced Elise is just taking the wrong approach to this, he tucks a piece of Addison's hair behind her ear under the protective glances of Derek and Alex. "Addie? Remember when she called? You were better after that. It never happened again."

Addison's mouth drops open. "You thought that she helped me?" She laughs harshly. "She scared the shit out of me."

Mark laugh lightly. "You're kidding, right?" But he knows that she's not.

It makes him angry and he stares icily at Elise. When she refuses to confess, he turns back to Addison. "You were better." He repeats.

Addison grinds her teeth together. "I was not better, Mark. I mean, eventually, it was easier. But those first few days? I walked around in a blurry trance. I knew you would notice if anything like that happened again, so I stopped." _I didn't want to have to hear those words again, especially not from her mouth. _

Mark's eyes find the floor. He won't let his temper get the best of him and he can't take it out on Addison, especially when it's Elise's fault. "But you should have told me how you felt and it could have been better for you. And us." His eyes meet hers again.

"You would have called my mom." Addison states, predicting his actions perfectly. "I couldn't have that." _And yet you called her anyway._

Derek has been silent for a while now. He knows that all of this; it's his fault. If he had just stayed in New York, Elise wouldn't have called, Addison would be better. The guilt begins to overwhelm him, and he can't fight with Elise anymore. They share the blame and whatever argument he uses she just throws back at him. His eyes glaze over and the brilliant blue turns dull and lifeless. Thinking back at the night he found Mark and Addison in bed together, he realizes that he knew next to nothing. If only he could go back...

Kevin nudges Derek and brings him back into the conversation. Looking back to Addison he asks, "Why?"

"What?" Addison snaps back to reality. She, too, has a dazed expression plastered on her face.

"Why couldn't you have that? What could she do to you? What didn't you want again?" _You're stronger than this, _ _Addison__, stronger than her. You always have been._

Addison clears her throat. "I don't really want to repeat everything she told me on the phone, but..."

Elise sighs, annoyed. "It's not that big of deal, Addison." She rolls her eyes at Derek. "I just told her of some of the precautions that we would take if her...mistake...became a habit."

Addison's eyes fill with tears and she raises her voice for the first time that day. "You threatened to call the police and put me away! I wasn't going to live in a fucking mental hospital! You scared the hell out of me. I was terrified to be out after ten without telling anyone for fear you'd hear of it and commit me. You didn't help me, you didn't make it better, you didn't make anything go away." Alex gives her a calming and comforting look that she misses because she's still glaring at her mother.

Elise yawns. "Whatever, Addison. It worked, didn't it?"

"No! It didn't! You made it worse because I…"

"I guess, until you met HIM." Elise refers to Alex again, her bored voice somehow silencing Addison's screaming anger. "Which brings us back to the fact that I will be removing you from this place and from the man who has been terrorizing your life for the past year. Or I guess, if you count Derek, the men who have been terrorizing past fourteen years." Mark, according to Elise, didn't terrorize Addison at all so removing her from him would be a bit of a loss, but she's willing to accept that. She tries to dart around Alex, but he's had enough of standing on the sidelines.

After watching Derek fight with Elise and back off, he knows that this is the time for confidence. "No," he says sternly.

Elise pokes Alex. "Listen to me, young man..."

"No!" Alex grabs her wrists. "I am not going to listen to you anymore. Throughout the entire day, I've seen you ignore Addison and manipulate whatever she says to what you want to hear. From what I've seen, you've been a terrible mother to her and I see no reason why the hell I should give you any respect at all." He clenches his teeth and drops his voice so only she can hear. "I love your daughter too much to let you do anything else to her."

"Let go of me!" Elise tries to struggle free.

He grips onto her hands tighter, but not enough to hurt her. "This is how you handle Addison. Do you like it? Does it make you feel loved? Does it make you want to listen?"

Elise looks more fragile than she has all day. A make-up free face and frazzled hair do not suit her at all. Even with her high heels, she seems small. She simply shakes her head.

"You're scared ." Alex points out as he lets go of her wrists but doesn't step away. "Multiply that by like a hundred and that's how Addison feels." He looks to Addison for confirmation and she gives him a small wave, permission to please continue. "She's terrified of you! You can't help her!"

Elise turns pale, she's suddenly run out of fight. "I've got to go. I should go home." She spins on her quickly and exits the room, leaving Kevin behind.

Kevin shrugs and laughs. Holding out his hand to Alex, he smirks and says, "Nice job, future brother-in-law." Addison eyes him intensely, sending Kevin a telepathetic message that he shouldn't have implied that level of commitment. Alex doesn't seem to mind, so Kevin ignores her. "Now I know who to call when there's trouble at the house."

Alex laughs, letting out a shaky breath. He's used to confrontation from the years of living with his father, but the adrenaline pumping through his veins is a bit overwhelming. "Yeah. Thanks, man."

Kevin hugs Addison tightly and whispers, "Take care of yourself." She only nods, mostly from exhaustion.

He turns back to Alex. "Keep her safe."

Alex smiles and wraps a supporting arm around Addison's back so she can lean into him. "Will do."

Kevin playfully punches Mark and Derek on his way out. "Keep in touch, guys." Mark laughs, but Derek only shifts a little. He's still not really listening to anyone.

Before Kevin can shut the door, Alex yells out to him. "Hey Kevin!"

He turns around, grinning. "What?"

"Tell Elise I hope she finds a fantastic divorce lawyer. She's going to need it."

Kevin only laughs and shakes his head. "It'll never happen. That was just an excuse to get out here without actually 'visiting' for the sake of family. I mean, can you imagine my mom without my dad's money?"

Mark chuckles, but Addison closes her eyes. She can't believe her own stupidity. _Of course it would never happen. Mom could never get divorced. She can't afford to lose that lifestyle. Which means I'm stuck with her._

Kevin shrugs. "I think she just wanted to be more like Addison, but what do I know?"

Addison clutches harder onto the material of Alex's shirt. She can't think about that. _Mom hates me. She's never been jealous, just disappointed. Right? I mean, who actually wants to be an adulterous bitch?_

The men wave good-bye to Kevin and Mark clasps his hands together. "Well, it's been a long day and I think you two deserve some privacy. Wanna grab a bite for dinner, Derek? Has anyone seen Izzie?"

His transition back to normal almost seems surreal, but it isn't unexpected. Derek shakes his head, but leaves anyway, shuffling through the door after giving a quick hug to Addison.

Alex whips out his phone. "I haven't seen her anywhere, but I do have her personal cell phone number, if you want to call her. Why? Is she your intern?"

Mark nods. "Yes. But I'll just go look for her. She usually hangs out in the NICU, so it should be too hard to find her. Don't worry about the phone number." _Because I already have it. _Mark smiles to himself.

Alex sees right through his excuses, but decides to ignore him, figuring it will be the fastest way to get some alone time with Addison.

Mark laughs to himself. "Thanks anyway, Karev. I just need her for some...professional work. That I need her to do." _You dumbass, why couldn't you just say thank you? Way to give it away. _

Alex stares at him. _Just stop talking. _

Mark swallows and turns to Addison. "Are you going to be okay? You know that you're most important."

Addison smiles weakly. "Yeah. Thanks Mark."

Mark shuffles his feet on the tile floor. "I'm really sorry about Elise."

Addison shakes her head. "Don't worry about it, Mark." She's too tired to come up with anything remotely resembling the truth about how she feels about him calling her mother. _It'll feel better in the morning._

"Okay." Mark squeezes her hands folded together in front of her. "You know I love you."

Alex raises an eyebrow at him, thinking that was all ancient history.

Mark hurriedly continues. "In a totally platonic, best friend kind of way. But I do. I hate to see you in pain."

Addison nods and manages a smile. "I know, Mark. I really do."

"Then, I'll go. Page me if you need anything. Anything at all." Mark starts to walk towards the door.

"Love you too, Marky." Addison half-whispers.

Alex winces at the pet name and the words, but he's glad he finally has Addison to himself. He pulls her into the bed and covers her with the warm blankets. Guiding her head down onto his chest, he shifts so her legs can fit comfortably between his. He pushes the remote control button to turn off the ceiling lights. Kissing her hair, he gently rubs her back. "Okay?"

"Okay." She repeats, stroking the skin on his chest through his shirt, her eyes fluttering shut.

Within minutes, she falls asleep.

* * *

A/N: So?

What do you think? Seriously. In this A/N there will be no flattery or bribing you with clones of the gods.

This is new for me, but I like to try new things.

I just want to hear your opinion, unless your opinion is that you hate me. Don't really wanna hear that.

But, you know, good things are happening. Elise is GONE. Alex is CUTE. I went SHOPPING.

On a side note, when is the new Grey's season coming out on DVD?

Oh, and Sara is the best ever.


	11. Clocks

**Special thanks to: Sweetnarcosis!!**

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 11: Clocks

* * *

_Previously on __Can't Fight the Moonlight__…_

_Alex picks up his phone._

_He clears his throat. "Uhh...yeah. I'll tell her...But why?" Alex is quiet for about a minute. "Well, she's not going to like that." Addison frowns, but Alex keeps listening. "Why do I have to?" He pauses. "Fine. Okay. See you later." He shuts the phone. "Well, that was Derek."_

_"And..." Addison moves her hands in a circular motion, indicating to Alex that he should continue._

_Alex scratches his head. "We're going to stay the night tonight."_

_Addison's face falls. "Why?"_

_Alex takes a deep breath and speaks softly. "Because the hospital psychologist thinks that it would be a good idea."_

* * *

_Confusion never stops, closing walls and ticking clocks (gonna),  
Come back and take you home, I could not stop, that you now know_

Addison stares at the clock, watching the seconds tick away. The second hand moves slowly, yet twenty seconds have passed before she realizes it. _It's only an hour, _she tries to convince herself. She tries to shut herself off, so the hour will blow by, but the new environment becomes too distracting. She's never been in this part of the hospital before. Addison sits in an office, on a comfortable chair, but not one of those stereotypical couches that exist only in a psychologist's office. There are two bookshelves, stuffed with books and three comfortable chairs, one of which Addison is sitting on. In the chair across from Addison is a woman with short spiraling hair, the color of a night sky. Addison shook her hand when she first came in, with Alex. She even smiled at her, just to be polite. But just as Alex left, her confidence disappeared.

The whole idea of psychology makes Addison scared. Someone is analyzing her brain, running tests, and as far as Addison is concerned, she's going to fail. _She's not even a real doctor. How am I going to get better?_

She busies herself with trying to figure out how many seconds are left, but every time she gets close to figuring it out, more time has passed and she has to start over again. The mathematics cause her already anxious mind to race. Her eyes dart back and forth, until she gives into the details of the room. Her eyes run over everything, again and again. _It's very clean in this room, she_ notices. _Probably for the OCD patients. _But the cleanliness and order becomes oddly unsettling. Addison searches for any signs of a mess, but the room is spotless. She takes a breath in and returns her vision to the clock.

As the three minute mark passes, Addison wonders about this "Dr. Levenkron". _Why hasn't she spoken? I was expecting hours of endless questioning and psychological tests. _The awkward silence seems to burn in her brain. Addison's panic level begins to rise.

Finally after studying Addison for seven long, tortuous minutes, Dr. Levenkron begins to speak. "So, Addison, you have quite the reputation."

Addison shifts in her chair. _Does she know about the affair? Mark? Derek? And, oh-no, Alex. She must think I'm a slut._

Dr. Levenkron continues, "You know, for being an excellent surgeon."

A wave of relief washes over Addison and she nods shyly.

Dr. Levenkron chuckles. "Aren't you proud? That's quite the compliment coming from Dr. Richard Webber, chief of surgery. Most surgeons would have a lot to say about that." She takes off her dark glasses, letting the hang off of the chain around her neck, while thumbing through the file in front of her. When she smiles, the wrinkles near her eyes become more prominent, telling her true age. But still, Addison guesses that she can't be over fifty, middle forties to be nice. Which, scarily, isn't too much older than Addison herself. Addison chooses not to think about this.

Dr. Levenkron clasps her hands. "What's your specialty?"

Addison stares at the file in her hands. "Don't you know, Dr. Levenkron?"

"Call me Abby." She says. "All of my patients do. And I only know the basics. You are a pediatric surgeon."

"Specializing in neonatal care." Addison corrects. She continues to rattle off her fellowships as she usually does. She realizes that she may have taken the question too far and blushes. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to brag..."

But Abby laughs. "There's the surgeon in you! Quite impressive. It must be tough though, with a neurosurgeon for an ex-husband..." she looks up from her files to confirm with Addison. "...and a plastic surgeon for an ex-..."

"Boyfriend." Addison finishes. _It's just easier this way. Lover sounds much too simple. _"But we're still friends."

Abby nods. "Those specialties are very intimidating. Did you ever feel overshadowed?"

"No!" Addison asserts, slightly irritated that Abby thought so little of her specialty. "I can hold my own ground."

"I bet you can." Abby says. "And so can I. I was just pointing out similarities in our work. I know you've heard stereotypes about this ward. After all, psychology might be the most ridiculed of all specialties. But I have a PhD. I am a doctor. Don't underestimate our practice, as most doctors might tend to do."

"I wasn't intending to..." Addison says quietly, blushing a little at her own prejudiced thoughts. _She must be getting the worst impression of me. I'm conceited, crazy, and prejudiced again her own specialty._

Abby takes another second to her files again, then slouches forward, trying to get as close to Addison as possible without crowding her. "You know that you have a disease, right? You're sick. It doesn't make you crazy or weak. And then you were attacked and raped at the worst time of your life. Anyone in your position would be an emotional wreck. It's not your fault."

In the midst of Abby's reasoning, Addison returns her stare back to the clock. Abby tries to make eye-contact. "Addison, did you hear me? You're sick."

Addison nods, still staring at the clock, halfway listening. Abby continues, "What are hoping to gain from seeing me every couple of days?"

The question throws Addison off. "I haven't really thought about it."

"It would help if you set some goals, just so we have something to look forward to." Abby nods. "Just tell me what you're thinking now. Off the top of your head."

"Umm…" Addison chews on a fingernail. This is harder than she thought it was going to be. "I guess I want not to be scared anymore."

Abby smiles. "Understandable. Anything else?"

_More?_ "I want to earn back everyone's trust. Alex, Derek, Mark, my family. I wish they wouldn't worry about me."

"Good, Addison. Keep that in mind." Abby scribbles some notes down on a sheet of paper. "I'm going to do all that I can to help you. That said, I take it that you've heard of depression before. Maybe you studied it a little during your psych rotation as a med student?"

Addison shrugs again and checks the clock. _Yes!! Half-way done. _

Abby flips through the file a little. "You know, for someone described as..." she quotes from the file, "...charismatic and talkative... you seem very shy. Are you feeling okay? Physically, I mean."

Addison looks down at her hands. "I'm fine. Sorry." _She's already disappointed after a half-hour._

Abby shakes her head. "No, no. Don't apologize. It's just that, usually patients of mine have something that they want to get off their chests. Something they're passionate about."

Addison remains quiet and Abby continues, "Let me help you. You've been through a lot. Maybe you want to blame someone for all of your problems?"

Before Addison can even think, she blurts out. "My mother."

Abby looks pleased while Addison keeps talking to make up for her little outburst. "I'm sorry. That's horrible. I didn't mean it. It was just an impulse because she was just here. If there's anyone to blame, it would be HIM." Tears threaten to fall out of her eyes. _Don't think about it. _"But it's wrong to think like that. It's MY body and it's MY own actions that hurt me. So I have to take responsibility. It's what a good person does."

"Addison." Abby rubs the bridge of her knows. "It's not healthy for you to be thinking like that. It's not your responsibility to take blame for a physiological malfunction that you have no control over."

Addison buries her head in her hands. She's so embarrassed. "Then why would you ask me to blame someone?" Her voice cracks into a high-pitched squeal. "My mother has no control of my 'physiological malfunctions' either!"

"I know," Abby explains, "but your mother might be a trigger for one of these 'malfunctions'."

Addison stays quiet for a moment. "Okay."

Abby leans forward. "How would you feel if I told you that you could go home?"

Addison's face brightened and then fell. "Relieved, mostly. But scared, too."

"There's nothing to be afraid of." Abby assures her. "You're completely safe."

Addison sighs. "I guess I just have to get used to it. Ignoring all of the memories."

"From the rape, you mean?" Abby questions.

Addison nods and looks down. She's afraid that she might cry in front of this stranger.

"Addison." Abby catches her attention. "I'm never going to make you talk about it. Right now, I'm more interested in how you feel in the present. But if you want to talk about it, I'm here to listen."

"No." Addison frowns. "I don't want to talk about it. Just not right now."

"That's okay." Abby senses that Addison has more to say, so she waits patiently.

"It's just..." Addison pushes her hand back behind her ears. "...my boyfriend, he's been so great, but I know it's taken a toll on him too."

Abby smiles. "I'm glad that you have such a great support system."

"And I assumed you knew this too, but everything you say to me as confidential. It's almost just like a real doctor-patient confidentiality, but stronger." She smiles at the joke. "None of this is getting through to the infamous Seattle Grace gossip ring. I promise."

Addison cracks a smile and Abby continues, hoping to get a bigger reaction and earn Addison's trust. "I would hope that a doctor of your standing does not take part in such festivities."

"Take part in?" Addison laughs. "I've been the sole provider of gossip ever since the syph outbreak, though I choose not to spread any untruthful information about others." _Except for my ex-husband. But he doesn't count. _Addison giggles.

Abby squints. "I remember that. Didn't almost the whole surgical floor have to get the penicillin treatment?"

"I have no idea. But I would bet good money on the truth to that statement." Addison smiles. "And that is the exact reason I waited a month or so before I slept with my ex-husband."

Abby eyes her curiously and Addison shakes her head. "Long story."

Abby nods. "I'd love to hear it, but, unfortunately, we're out of time."

Addison glances at the clock and it shocks her. _We ran over fifteen minutes! How is that possible?_

There's a knock at the door and Abby answers it. It's Alex.

Alex rushes to Addison, nervously. "How did it go?"

"Good." Addison nods and smiles. Alex seems relieved. He looks at Abby. "Thank you so much."

Abby pats Addison on the shoulder. "It's my pleasure. I'll see you on Thursday, okay?"

"Sure." Addison stands from her chair and leans into Alex's welcoming arms. "I can go home today."

Alex holds the door open for her. "Great! We'll get your stuff from the room and I'll drive you."

Addison smiles at him and he holds her hand as they walk down the hallway. "So, you really like Dr. Levenkron?"

Addison replies quickly. "You can call her Abby. Everyone does." She hesitates and then says with confidence. "And, yes, I like her."

* * *

_Home, home where I wanted to go_

Alex and Addison arrive home in the late after noon. Alex tries to drive quickly through their neighborhood, especially the scene of the attack, but tension radiates from Addison's body now more than ever. She can't stop thinking about how the police haven't caught him yet. He could be waiting for her the moment she walked through her front door.

Reading her thoughts, Alex squeezes her hand and says "Don't worry, the police have searched the house hundreds of times, and you have a state-of-the-art alarm system. If we were in the slightest danger, we'd know."

He pulls up in the driveway. Addison hesitates to let go of his hand and slowly exits the car. "I hope Callie didn't leave a huge mess for us to clean up." Alex jokes.

Addison smiles a little. "I just hope that my snake is still alive. Callie was very reluctant to feed Aphrodite." Alex laughs and takes her hand back in his. He presses a kiss to the side of her head as he opens the door and pushes the code buttons on the alarm. "I'm so happy that you like your therapist. I really have a good feeling about her."

"Yeah," Addison agrees. She rushes to Aphrodite's cage in the front room. Fortunately, Callie has done her job: the snake is still alive. Aphrodite seems to slither a little quicker than usual to the the side of her cage. Addison opens the door to let her out and sits down the the floor to play with her.

This is when Alex heads to the other room. As fond as he is of Aphrodite, he can't stand the thought of anyone planting kisses on her dirty scales, much less his own girlfriend.

Alex drops his coat on the kitchen counter. He sees a light blinking on the answering machine. Three messages. The first, from Kevin, lets them know that Addison's family safely returned to New York and that everything is back to normal (Kevin's code for 'Mom and Dad actually aren't getting a divorce, as suspected.') The second, from George, is an invitation out to dinner with him and Callie whenever Addison feels up to it.

The third message is old, a couple of weeks or so. It's from Elise. She begins by announcing the divorce and Alex immediately deletes the message before she can say any more. He's sick of hearing her voice, it makes him so angry. He can help wondering why Addison would save this message. _Why would she want to remember this? Why didn't she tell him? I should really start checking the messages more often, like more than once a month._ _Wow. Two weeks ago. Around Cristina and Burke's wedding. We weren't in a fight or anything. _He begins to piece the puzzle together when he notices Aphrodite slithering around his feet. He jumps in surprise, careful not to step on her. _Where's Addison? _Alex's heart races. _She was just playing with Aphrodite. Where did she go?_

"Addison!" He calls out.

No answer.

"Addison!" He tries again and darts around the lower level, but she's no where to be found. "Addison! Where are you?!"

"I'm up here!" he hears her call. He knows that he shouldn't worry when he told her not to, but truthfully, he fears that she will do more harm to herself than anything else that she could be rationally scared of. Following her voice, he's lead to the bedroom.

"Are you here?" He asks, confused because he can't seem to find her. _Is she hiding? _

"In here!" A voice comes softly from the master bathroom adjacent to the bedroom. Alex tries to show no signs of stress or fear, but he moves hurriedly to her.

She's sitting on the bathroom floor, mindlessly tracing a square tile over and over with her index finger.

"Are you okay? Do you feel all right?" Alex sits down beside her with half of a mind to check her entire body for cuts. _She's only been alone for a few minutes. She's fine, _he tells himself.

Addison sighs. "I'm okay."

Alex nods. "Okay. But please, if you're not okay, don't lie. Please tell me, Addie. It matters to me."

Addison rests her head against his arm. "How about for the next couple of days, you can always assume that I'm not okay just so you don't have to ask."

"I can do that." Alex says, glad that she opened up.

"I'm hurt, Alex." Addison confesses.

Alex's heart aches for her, but he doesn't want to scare her away. He wraps his arms around her. "I'm sorry. I wish I could take it away from you."

"And I'm sad too." Addison continues. Tears fall down her face, as to prove her point.

"It's gonna be okay, Addie. Everything is going to be better. Dr. Levenkron is going to help you and I'll be right here, by your side the whole time."

"Okay." Addison wipes her face on her sleeve. "Thanks."

They sit in silence for several minutes, then Alex whispers, "Addison?"

Addison has closed her eyes, but she's still awake. "Yeah?"

Alex pushes back her hair, so he can see her face. "There was a message on the answering machine downstairs, from your mom."

Addison groans. "Sorry, I meant to delete that."

Alex hugs her close to his body. "Oh, well, I was just wondering because it was almost three weeks old. And it seemed a little odd because I know how much your mom upsets you."

"I know," Addison sighs. "That's why I left it in there."

Alex's body tenses up. "You left it in there because you wanted to be upset?"

"No." Addison shakes her head. "My mom is very manipulative. I was very upset with her when I heard the message, but I knew that when she got here, she would find some way to convince me that the divorce was my fault. I kept the message as a reminder to be angry with her, not myself."

"Wow." Alex strokes the skin on her hand. "I'm really glad you didn't delete it then." He pauses. "You don't need it now, do you? Because I kind of already deleted it. But the divorce didn't even happen. And you know it wasn't your fault, right?"

Addison laughs. "Yeah, it's okay. I'm glad that you deleted it."

Alex continues to massage her hands. "Am I helping?"

Addison replies through slitted eyes. "Yeah. That feels really good."

Alex chuckles. "No, I meant me. Am I helping you?"

Addison frowns and opens her eyes. "Of course. Why would you think any differently?"

Alex shakes his head. "I don't know. Just go back to sleep, okay?"

"Okay, thanks."

Her eyelids close and she falls asleep within minutes. Alex picks her up and moves her to the bed, pulling the sheets over her. Then, he heads downstairs and proceeds to make her favorite dinner.

* * *

_Come out of things unsaid_

Mark's packing up his stuff in his locker when he suddenly feels a pair of hands sneak across his eyes from behind him.

"Guess who?" A familiar voice whispers suggestively.

"Uhh..." Mark grins. "The most beautiful blonde at Seattle Grace?" He can almost feel her blush behind him. Her body heat grows and he pushes himself further back into her arms.

"Getting warmer," the voice said shakily.

Now she's just playing games and Mark can too. "Meredith?" he guesses sarcastically. The hands leave his eyes and shove him in between his shoulder blades.

"Oh, shut up." Izzie says with a laugh.

Mark pulls her back to him and growls into her neck. "Come on. I'm kidding. Clearly, there is no contest."

Izzie pushes him away. She likes to look at him. "I wouldn't be so sure of that. If Derek wasn't in the picture, I'd bet you'd be her first pick."

"Ah..." Mark raises his eyebrows. "But as long as there is Derek and there is Meredith, there will be Derek and Meredith together. And the last time that I checked, Derek was still alive. And even if he wasn't, there still would be no contest."

"Okay!" Izzie wrenches herself from his grasp. "You win!"

"Give up already?" Mark teases her. "I'm sure _Meredith _wouldn't."

"Fine. That's the last straw. You will be going all alone back to your hotel with a cold bed and cold showers." She struts confidently toward the door.

"Hold on a minute." Mark grabs her arm. "I don't even remember what we were talking about, so therefore, nothing I say counts."

"Whatever. It's no loss to me." Izzie tries to pull away again.

"I can't let you go alone. Please, Izzie. I'll be worried about you all night. I want to protect you."

Izzie shivers. _Mark's right. I can't go anywhere without him. At least until they catch the rapist._

"I'm sorry." Mark apologizes. "I didn't mean to scare you."

Izzie changes the subject. "How's Addison?"

Mark nods. "She's not doing so well, but she's making progress. She's seeing a highly recommended therapist and she went home today."

"That's nice." Izzie smiles.

Mark looks at the floor. "I'm really scared for her. I want to be there for her, but, sometimes, I get the feeling that she doesn't really want me around. Like she's starting a new life with Alex and I'm a part of her old life."

Izzie frowns. "I'm sure that's not true."

Mark shifts his weight between his feet. "Yeah, you're probably right. But we all have to move on, right? At least I can still be her friend."

"Yeah, I heard about yesterday when her family visited." Izzie smiles.

Mark laughs nervously and rubs his chin. "What did you hear?"

Izzie adjusts the bag on her shoulders. "Mostly that you were really supportive when her mom was going all crazy. I wanted you to know that I think it's really sweet. I appreciate all that you've done for her. It must mean the world to her to have such a great friend."

"Wow. Thanks." Mark grins.

They walk out of the locker room together. "How's Derek?" Izzie asks. "Meredith says he hasn't been around a lot, which I can understand, but she said that he's also been really distant."

"Well," Mark starts, "he might have taken Addison's family visit just as hard as she did. There was a lot of stuff that he didn't know about New York, when he left and it was just Addison and me. He was pretty upset. Elise, Addison's mother, can really irritate him."

"That's too bad." Izzie sympathizes.

They get to the parking lot and Mark points out his car. "Let's stay at my place this time."

"And why would I want to do that?"

Mark explains, as if he had thought this out a long time ago. "It's the most luxurious hotel in the area. It's bound to have excellent security. And, you know, bigger beds with really soft sheets."

"Sex for protection? You drive a hard bargain, Mark Sloan." She gets into his car to let him know that she's kidding.

Mark laughs and starts the car. "Sex for protection? What are we in, some federal pound-me-in-the-ass prison?"

Izzie rolls her eyes.

"JUST DRIVE!"

* * *

A/N: I always want to leave really big author's notes and then I can't because I'm out of time.

I promised my brother a personal ad. His name is Kevin and when he learned about his fans, he decided to take full advantage. He wrote something that was quite funny, but I don't have time. Maybe next chapter. I owe him because he's the one who picks out all the songs for the chapter.

I know it's been awhile. School is kicking my ass and physics should die. And I've been working on something else. :) It's not Addex, so I won't bribe you into reading that one too.

Next chapter will be very angsty or not very angsty.

Presents for reviewing: Grey's Anatomy Season 4, September 27th, I think. That should be enough, but for you greedy people, I'll throw in a Mark Sloan action figure. Or your very own Aphrodite.

Have a nice Thursday!

And I thought that I would write a short A/N this time. What was I thinking?


	12. Fallen

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 12: Fallen

* * *

_Previously on __Can't Fight the Moonlight:_

_Addison lies awake in her house. Alex is beside her, but he's not awake. She's restless and she can't just count ceiling cracks the whole night. She throws on a robe and heads down the stairs. Slightly hung-over, she opens a window and feels the cool air hit her. It's so refreshing. Her body feels like it's on fire. She opens the front door of her house and steps outside. Ahh. She runs her feet and toes through the dewy grass as she walks to the sidewalk near her house. It's a new subdivision, so most of the houses are in different stages of building. She admires the houses and continues down the path. Now that's interesting. I like the layout of that one. The fireplace is-_

_A hand shoots out and covers her mouth from behind. Dry lips are pressed to her ear and a scratchy voice whispers "Don't move." Strong arms pull her to the ground._

_Addison wishes she could scream or kick or fight. But she's too stunned and frightened. So she lies there out in the dewy grass that used to cool the fire within her. At least she can see his face. But as soon as she takes a mental picture, she looks away and winces.

* * *

_

_Heaven bend to take my hand  
And lead me through the fire  
Be the long awaited answer  
To a long and painful fight_

It was very early in the morning. Jake Parker stood in his house, drinking his morning coffee as usual. Using his hand, he pulled back the dark green curtains covering the front windows of the house. Peering out, he saw a police car parked in the street adjacent to his. It moved very slowly down the street, not to cause any unneeded excitement in the neighborhood, but enough to warn certain people that the law was watching them. Every so often, the car stopped in front of the house across from Jake. Apparently, the beautiful woman with red hair did not have enough protection between her boyfriend and the two muscular men who kept stopping by. Even her voluptuous friend with the black curly hair looked like she could kick some serious ass. The redhead, usually happy, seemed to mope about for the past few weeks. Jake took this as an opportunity.

The woman was usually strong and independent, the kind of woman that Jake hated. She reminded him of a woman named Stacy, who worked at the same law firm as Jake. She was his boss, actually, though he had a little trouble admitting this. Somehow, she had received this partnership that was meant for Jake. He was perfect, but Stacy had confidence and blew the board away (in more ways than one, Jake thought). Another partnership wouldn't be offered for another thirty years. He was angry, at all women like Stacy. When he moved in across from the redhead, he found her to be an exact copy of Stacy with darker hair and longer legs. He watched her, determined to find the information needed to bring all feminists down. But as time passed, he noticed that her confident personality was an act. This "strong" woman was dependent on the people around her. Sometimes, the redhead was all alone, and if Jake looked really closely, she cried. This made him absolutely furious. He couldn't believe that he lost to an actress, a liar. Jake was determined to take his revenge. He needed her to submit to him in the most effective way possible.

Jake was a successful lawyer, but also very lonely. Some might call him a control freak, obsessive-compulsive, but Jake preferred to think of himself as organized. He woke up every morning at 4:00. He took an hour shower and then had breakfast. A bowl of Wheaties every day. At precisely 5:35 on Monday mornings, he took out the trash. He saw her and made his move, pinning her to the ground.

Afterwards, he ran. He ran as far as he could until he reached a hair salon. He used the last of the money in his wallet to die his hair grey. Now, looking into the mirror in his living room now, he realized that he appeared much older, in his mid-fifties. Twenty years older than he actually was. Of course, the stress of his job put the wrinkles in his face and the wisdom in his voice. It was her fault, the determined, eager woman that he looked this way, that he was all alone. She WOULD pay. After it all, he understood that he didn't just want her to relinquish her control. He wanted her dead.

So, in realizing this he opened the closet door and pulled out his jacket. After putting it on, he pulled out a cane. He untwisted the curved part and the cane opened up into a large knife. He checked it three times. Then, he exited, locking the door behind him. He pretended to hobble down his driveway and crossed the street to the redhead's house.

* * *

_Though I've tried I've fallen  
I have sunk so low  
I messed up  
Better I should know  
So don't come 'round here and  
Tell me I told you so_

"Hey." The policemen had noticed Jake, but he was not frightened. He had prepared for this. He was wearing a sweater and khaki pants. Bifocals with fake lenses balanced uncomfortably on the bridge of his nose.

"Yes, sir?"

"What is your business with the residents of this house?"

Jake smiled. "I've noticed that the woman who resides her has seemed very troubled lately. At least once per week, her and her boyfriend stop by my house for some friendly conversation and tea. They haven't been by in three weeks and I just wanted to check up on them. Also, I am hirring a few of the neighborhood boys to rake the leaves on my lawn. I wanted to off to have them work their lawn too. I was thinking that there might have been a death in the family and I've found that the little gestures count in times of need. In addition, the boys could make use of the exercise and ethics that one gets out of manual labor."

Jake gave a well-thought out and convincing speech. Paried with the fact that he look the part, what choice did the policemen have, but to accept his story as the truth? It seemed impossible that this sweet old man could ever inflict pain on another human being. The police let him pass with smiles on their faces. Jake thanked them for their services and continued slowly up the path to Addison's front door.

Jake chuckled and knocked on the door. He had timed this carefully. He boyfriend had just left. There was about a twenty minute window until the older bulky man with the facial hair arrived. So, if he was right (and he always was), the redhead would have to answer the door.

She did.

And she gasped at seeing his face. Though his hair was completely different, she would never forget his face. She had hoped and pleaded that she would never have to see him again, but now that he was standing on her porch, she froze. Her moment of delay gave him just enough time to enter the house. She protested and struggled with him, but because of the shock, she couldn't do much to restrain him.

He shut the door behind them and she started backing away slowly, knowing that any sudden move might set him off.

"Wait," he said, and for some reason, she stopped.

He put the cane down and rested it against the door. He removed his jacket. "I'm not hiding anything. I just want to talk."

Still, as he walked toward her, she stepped back. It only took a few steps to back her up against the staircase. She fell back on to them, sitting on the third step.

Jake marveled at his control to make her do anything that he commanded. He got dow in her face and she refused to look him in the eye. He licked his lips. "What makes you think that you can just walk around here, acting like you own the world?"

She bit her lip, not knowing whether to speak or not. He made it clear that he was saiting for her to answer. "I- I don't..." she stuttered.

"How dare you lie to me?!" he screamed at her. She thought that he might hit her, but he turned back to the doorway and grabbed the cane. He used it to gesture wildly at her. "I've watched you! You strut around here in your high heels and your power suits ordering everybody around!"

Tears began to spill down Addison's face. "What?"

"You know what I'm talking about!" he yells, "It's women like you that ruin the lives of men! I'd be doing the world a huge service by getting rid of you!"

Addison clung to the rail of the staircase. "But I didn't do anything!"

He ripped the knife out of the cane. "You're just like her! You take advantage of everyone's emotions and manipulate them so everything is beneficial for you!"

"No!" Addison screamed.

"Yes!" he asserted.

A door opened from the other end of the house. Jake grabbed Addison and held the knife to her throat. He pressed her hard against the stairs. "One noise, and I'll slit your throat," he whispered.

"Addie?" It was Alex. "Mark isn't going to make it today so Bailey arranged for me to be off," Alex shouted to the empty house. "Addie? You're not still in bed, are you?" he teased as he climbed up the back stairs and Addison cursed herself for building two sets of stairs in the enormous house.

She looked up at Jake. Clearly he was formulating a new plan. She looked down and saw Aphrodite, her boa constrictor, slithering at her feet. Jake glanced down and saw the snake. He made a small yelp and kicked at the serpent. Aphrodite, sensing his fear, struck, sinking her fangs into his ankle. Jake let out a full blown cry and released Addison, much to her relief. He tried to pry teh snake off at first and then resorted to stabbing the knife in her genereal direction.

But Aphrodite was too fast for him, thrashing her body every nanosecond.

Alex, having heard Jake's cry, rushed down the stairs. Jake didn't hear him and before he knew it, his knife was skidding across the floor and Alex had him pinned to the stairs, wrenching Aphrodite jaws off his leg. "Who are you?!" Alex demanded. He looked to Addison for an answer, but she only shuddered in the corner.

Jake threw Alex off in his moment of distraction and lunged at Addison, throwing his hands around her mouth and nose, shutting off all of her airways.

Black dots filled Addison's vision and the last thing that she remembered was Alex's fist connecting with Jake's temple.

* * *

_We believe that we can change ourselves  
The past can be undone  
But we carry on our back the burdens time always reveals  
In the lonely light of morning  
In the wound that would not heal  
It's the bitter taste of losing everything  
I've held so dear_

Addison woke to a throbbing pain in her head. She pressed her hand to her forehead, trying to find a way to cease the pain. Her legs were twisted in the sheets and her whole body was damp from sweat.

But she was in her own bedroom. And Alex was asleep next to her. What a relief.

The door was cracked and it looked like someone was sleeping outside the door. Mark, she could tell, from the snoring.

She drew up the cover of the bed. Alex stirred a little. She swallowed as her feet hit the cold floor and she entered the master bathroom. Was it all a dream? The strain in her arms and the bruises on her throat proved her fears true.

She sat on the toilet, running her hands through her hair, attempting to figure this all out. Was...that man...right? He called her selfish and self-centered.

It happened again. Before today, she had thought the worse was over, that she was getting better. But she was stuck again. At square one.

Her mother had mentioned something about this. That she only looked out for herself and never paid attention to anyone else. Maybe it was true. Apparently everyone thought so and until now, no one had the courage to tell her.

Because she was a cold-hearted bitch that never listened to anyone.

Was her attack punishment for this sort of thing? Or was it a warning, a signal of some kind, making her aware of how others really thought of her?

Nevertheless, she felt guilty for what she had done. Alex, as an intern, had many responsibilities. He didn't want a needy girlfriend. Derek had made it clear that he didn't want her in his life. Between his ever-so-scandalous relationship with Meredith and the painful divorce, Addison didn't feel like a part of him anymore. And Mark, well, he had already moved on. He barely glanced at her anymore.

She felt isolated, not quite alive.

Her fingers gripped the toilet seat.

How much pity could she have for herself? It made her sick to even think of it.

She needed to feel alive. She needed to clear her head. She needed perfection. She needed to erase the guilt and regret and pity from her mind.

She rose, not thinking anymore and went into the closet. She didn't flip on the light. She knew the exact location of what she was looking for. Tucked inside the expensive black heels from Prada was a box of razors. Rather methodically, she peeled back the plastic and disposed of the empty container before sitting back on the toilet seat.

Dragging the cool metal against her skin, she let out a breath.

Brand-new razors were the sharpest; the pain begins quickly and the burn lasted for days.

It was just what she needed.

* * *

A/N: Thank you for waiting SO patiently. I actually had the first part written like two months ago and then I wrote one line a day for the last section.

I cannot believe that I wrote something so utterly depressing.

Seriously. You should all go watch "The Sound of Music" or "Superbad" or something.

Although I am probably liable, please don't sue me if you die from the toxic amounts of angst.

And guess what? It doesn't really get any better.

Well, it gets a little better. But not much. At least not until chapter 17, which I have decided will be happy.

Please review. And I will try VERY MUCH harder to update at least once a millennium. And maybe, if I procrastiate enough on school, you will have an update within a week! But that would be quite ambitious. 


	13. Unwell

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 **

**Can't Fight the Moonlight **

Chapter 13: Unwell

* * *

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight:_

_Dragging the cool metal against her skin, _ _Addison__ let out a breath._

_It was just what she needed._

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

_Mark looked at the floor. "I'm really scared for her. I want to be there for her, but, sometimes, I get the feeling that she doesn't really want me around. Like she's starting a new life with Alex and I'm a part of her old life."_

XxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXxXx

_He tugs her down so she's lying on the bed and kisses her lips. He eyes bore into hers. "I love you."_

_She wraps her good arm around his neck and pulls him on top of her. "I love you too." She whispers._

_They watch each other for a while before Alex rolls over to his side. He's exhausted and falls asleep quickly. It takes _ _Addison__ an hour or two of distractive thinking until her eyes close. Her hand winds into his t-shirt for the remainder of the night. _

_

* * *

_

_I know  
I know they've all been talking 'bout me  
I can hear them whisper  
And it makes me think there must be something wrong  
With me_

Mark Sloan slapped a cold pack down on Alex Karev's knee. The cold pack, which consisted of ice cubes in a plastic bag, made forceful contact with the knee cap, causing Alex to wince.

"Sorry, man." Mark sincerely apologized. Despite previous skirmishes between him and Alex, he really didn't want to impair Alex's knee cap in anyway. Because before, the kneecap had made forceful contact with Jake Parker's thigh, and for that, Mark was very grateful.

Mark returned to making his world famous chocolate chip pancakes. He flipped one. "I thought that I'd bring over some stuff, just so I don't have to keep going back and forth from my apartment."

Alex taped his knee to keep the strained muscle from moving. "What? Like clothes?"

Mark nodded. "Mostly. Maybe a few books, movies...my tv...the foosball table..."

Alex's eyes widened with eagerness. "Really?!" He wiped the grin off of his face. "I mean, you're not moving in. Right?" _I have a certain amount of self-respect,_ Alex thought, _I don't want to be living with my girlfriend and her ex-boyfriend._

Mark laughed nervously. "Oh, yeah. Of course not. Hey, do you think I could get Izzie to join us?"

"Dude, seriously?" Alex shook his head. _I can only imagine the thoughts that are running through Mark's head right now._

"What?" Mark laughed. "No, not like that. I think it would be really good for Addison, to have another woman around."

Alex stole a chocolate chip from the bag. "Izzie would never go for it."

Mark expertly maneuvered the spatula around the frying pan. "I don't know, man. I think it's getting crowded over at Meredith's. Between George and the wife, and Cristina and Meredith's extremely-intimate-almost-blood-sisters relationship, I think we could get her on board."

"And, guess what?!" Mark was completely amazed. "She's a tough trailer chick too! AND a model!" Alex saw a little gleam in his eyes, before he blinked it away. Mark continued chattering on, "She could kick the ass of anyone who tries to hurt Addison." Mark cleared his throat. "I mean, after we're finished with him." He motioned between Alex and himself.

"Speaking of..." Alex pointed upstairs. "I don't want to leave her alone for more than a few minutes at a time. I'm going to go check on her."

"Wait," Mark stopped him. "When are the police going to talk to her?"

Alex tapped his fingers on the railing in thought. "Uhh...I'm hoping at the earliest this afternoon. I really think that she needs more time." _Especially after the last time that she had to talk to the police._

"Did she sleep through the night?" Mark asked.

Alex nodded. "I think so. She kept tossing and turning, though. I tried to keep an eye on her, but I fell asleep. She didn't leave the room, did she?"

Mark shook his head. "Nope. I'm a light sleeper. No one came in or out."

Alex began moving up the stairs. "Good. Bring up the pancakes when they're done." Before he could get to the third step, the phone rang. He paused while Mark picked it up. He listened for a second, and then told Alex. "It's only Derek. He's just checking in. You can go upstairs."

Alex nodded. _That's just fine with me._ He was getting anxious again. _It's weird. Like a part of me needs to see and hear her to survive._ He held his breath as he opened the door.

* * *

_All day  
Staring at the ceiling  
Making friends with shadows on my wall_

Addison woke up back in her own bed. She yawned. She was already tired and she had only been awake for three seconds. The past three weeks seemed to stretch into one long day. No sleep. No relief.

She was an insomniac. She rarely fell into REM sleep. Yet she never seemed to wake up from a constantly fatigued state of mind. Sleeping with her eyes open.

She was stuck. Somewhere between awake and asleep. A dizzying sensation clouded her head. Literally. Everything in the room seemed to have grey undertones. No color existed. The room was drained of its life, like her.

She felt out-of-control. Her mind and body were no longer connected. Her brain moved in slow motion while her body maintained its regular speed.

She felt numb. Like no one could touch her. No one could affect her. She could only feel the painful reminder of last night as it burned into her skin. It was humiliating.

_All night  
Hearing voices telling me  
That I should get some sleep  
Because tomorrow might be good for something_

She was facing the bathroom. She didn't try to recall what had happened yesterday. Her pillow was soft and warm and she cuddled into it, bringing the sheets over her body. Expecting to see Alex, she looked over her shoulder.

He wasn't there. It was only now that she noticed the voices downstairs.

Her brain told her to be afraid.

Paranoia.

Fear.

Panic.

Pain.

_Where's Alex?Am I going to get hurt?Is someone coming after me?Who was that man?Is he going to kill me?What is that noise?Did I just hear footsteps?Where did Alex go?Did he leave me?Why am I all alone?Am I going crazy?WHERE'S ALEX?_

But her body was too exhausted to feel all of these things. She was too tired to even think. So, she rested until the door opened to reveal Alex.

* * *

_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little unwell  
I know, right now you can't tell  
But stay awhile and maybe then you'll see  
A different side of me_

Alex was surprised to see her awake. He smiled. "Good morning."

She glanced at him for a second, and then went back to staring at the wall.

He slid down on to the bed. "I hope you slept well." He paused. "The police are going to come by later to talk to you again, about what happened yesterday."

No reaction.

"It can wait," he consoled. "But they've already talked to me. It wasn't bad."

For the first time, Alex realized that she hadn't spoken a word. _Why isn't she complaining, or begging me to get her out of it?_ "Are you feeling okay?"

She was facing away from him and made no move to turn around. Something was wrong. He pulled on her shoulder to turn her. "Hey."

She lied on her back and Alex grabbed her hand. "What's going on?" He twisted slightly and buried his face in her side. "Talk to me." He wrapped his arms around her. _I'm losing her. She might disappear any second_. He clung to her. "Don't do this."

She lifted her hand and placed it on his head. Her first acknowledgment that he even existed.

He watched her for a second. "Okay." He moved up her body and kissed her. "I understand. Yesterday was terrible. But he's in jail. He's never going to hurt you again."

There was no response from Addison. "Please, can you talk to me? I just want to know if you're okay. Can you nod or anything? Please?"

Addison didn't move.

Alex swallowed. "Take your time."

Slowly, slowly she turned her head to look at him. His eyebrows furrowed in concern. _What's wrong? Why isn't she talking to me? She can trust me with anything._

She opened her mouth, but no words came out. Alex grabbed her hips and pulled her closer to him. "What? What, Addie?" _She almost did it. She almost spoke._

Her eyes apologized to him and he accepted that. _Obviously this is psychological. I wish I knew how to help her. _"Okay." He hugged her. "What can I do to make it better? Hmm?" He captured her lips between his and breathed into the skin right below her jaw. "I'm not going anywhere," he reassured her.

"Guess what?" Kiss. "Mark's going to bring you some of his very best pancakes for breakfast." Breathe. "Will you eat them?" _Please say yes. _Alex felt her shrug ever so slightly against him. He noticed her breathing was a little shallow. Maybe he was crowding her, making her claustrophobic. He moved off of her and lay on his back, mirroring her.

He entertained their fingers under the sheets. "I love you." She gripped his hand tighter. "I know it's hard. I just feel like I'm having a conversation with myself."

Addison felt badly, but she couldn't speak. She just didn't have the energy or the will. She wanted him to understand. She just needed to be quiet for a little while.

"Please. Can you talk for me?" He so desperately wanted to know what she was thinking, what she felt, especially after yesterday. "Please talk. I miss the sound of your voice. It's my favorite sound in the entire world. Please don't take it away from me." She groaned very softly. He felt bad. He didn't want her to be in pain.

"Maybe we could go away for a while. I could take you on vacation. It would be just the two of us. No worries, no interruptions."

Addison really wanted to tell him how great that sounded. But she didn't move or make any sounds so Alex tried again. "Or we could go on a fancy dinner and a carriage ride with flowers and romance."

Again, Addison didn't speak.

"Come one," he joked, "that was the most romantic cliché date ever." He laughed. "I should have known. You're not really a cliché kind of woman."

Addison wasn't even listening now. She was blocking him out. _If I even say one word, he'll make me talk about what happened. _She couldn't listen to him trying so hard.

Alex rested his head on her shoulder. "How about a bath? Right now? Nice and warm with lots of bubbles."

Addison closed her eyes and surrendered to his voice. She nodded her head. Alex was very pleased. "Okay. I'll start the bath water. Don't move."

He was back after only a moment. "I'll carry you." He placed her on the side of the tub and started to take off her top, but he saw her tense and he let the cloth fall back onto her body. _Maybe she still feels uncomfortable. _"You can do it. I won't watch." _I don't want any connection to that monster who violated her. I'll make her see that I'm not like that, that I respect her. _He turned around to give her some privacy. She stared at the floor and very, very slowly removed her clothes. When he heard her settle into the bath tub, he turned back around. The bubbles covered most of her, and he kept his attention to her face, making sure that she knew there would be no sneaking glances or taking advantage of her nudity. He pushed some of her hair back, fingering the damp ends.

"There. Do you feel better?"

Still, no answer, but her eyes were closed and she looked very relaxed. She opened her eyes and then reached up to touch his face. He saw a flash of red on her arm and she knew something was wrong. She dropped her arm back into the bath water to hide it. He reached into the water and pulled her arm back out. He frowned at the sight of the new cut on her. It looked better having been cleaned a little from the water, and it wasn't deep at all. But it was another cut and Alex couldn't watch her hurt herself anymore. At the moment, he couldn't even look at her. It made him sick that he couldn't help her. He stood up and ran his hand through his hair. "I don't know what to do...I- I can't..."

Addison shifted in the bath tub. He had every right to be angry with her, but her heart was pleading for him not to leave.

Alex paced the room and then, suddenly, he stopped. "Hold on," he said. "I'll be right back. Do not do anything." He was gone for less than a second and came back with a business card and the phone. "I can't do this on my own. I'm calling Abby."

* * *

_Hold on  
I'm feeling like I'm headed for a  
Breakdown  
I don't know why_

Abby, Addison's psychologist was sitting in her office reading a book when Alex called. Luckily for him, she wasn't with a patient. "Hello? Dr. Abby Levenkron speaking."

"Dr.- Abby? It's Alex, Addison's boyfriend. Addison Montgomery. Can you talk to her?"

_Oh-no_, Abby thought, _if the boyfriend is calling, it must be bad. _"Of course, Alex. What's going on?"

Alex sat on the edge of the tub, watching Addison carefully. She had not moved. "Jake Parker- the guy who attacked her- came back to our house. He terrorized her, but luckily I got home in just enough time. He's in jail for now, but they need her testimony to convict him. She's not talking and I found a new cut and-"

"Slow down, Alex." Abby interrupted. "Take a few deep breaths." _He could probably use a few therapy sessions too. _"What is she doing now?"

Alex calmed down. "She's taking a bubble bath. I'm here with her."

"Do you know what happened with Jake?"

Alex's voice became high-pitched again. "I don't know! She won't talk to me! All I know is that he was trying to kill her when I entered the room." _It was the most frightening moment of my life._

"It's okay, Alex." Abby reassured. "The silence is just a coping method for what she's been going through. Anyone would be a little crazy after experiencing that. She's not ready to deal with this new crisis because she's still managing with the last one. She's probably tired and she just needs to catch up." She paused. "It's a long recovery process and she's not going to get better right away."

"I know, I know." Alex rubbed his eyes. "But I thought that she would stop hurting herself and now with the trial and the interview, every day will be a reminder of what happened to her."

Abby cradled the phone between her ear and her shoulder so she could update Addison's file. "Just remember that there is hope. People have come through these sorts of events with minimal damage. It's going to take a long time, but I think she'll make it. In a few weeks, she should start acting like her old self again. I've worked with a lot of self-injurers, some who have experienced rape, and I'm currently developing a treatment plan for Addison that has been successful with a lot of them. Usually, there are a few things that will trigger a painful memory, but I'm confident that she will lead a normal life afterwards."

Alex felt greatly relieved at her words. _She'll be her old self again?! _"That sounds fantastic."

Abby put away her paperwork. "Would you like me to talk to her now?"

Alex glanced at Addison. "Yeah, that would be great. Here." He held the phone up to Addison's ear until she put her soapy hand over his and took over. He didn't know what Abby said, but it seemed to have a good effect.

Afterwards, Addison gave the phone back to Alex.

"Hello?" He asked.

"Alex." It was still Abby. "I don't think that she's ready to talk about anything yet. Make sure that she rests and if any of the police officers give you a hard time about delaying her testimony, then have them call me. Have others close to her talk to her. She can hear you and the sounds of your voices will make her more comfortable. After a day or so, if she isn't speaking yet, call me."

Alex wished that he had a pen and paper to write all of that down. "Okay. I'll try to remember all of that."

"Thank you for calling." Abby sighed. "You're doing a great job. I'll talk to you later."

"Bye."

* * *

_I'm not crazy, I'm just a little impaired  
I know, right now you don't care  
But soon enough you're gonna think of me  
And how I used to be_

After getting fully bathed, Addison settled back into bed. She noticed a plate of chocolate chip pancakes on the comforter. Her mouth watered. Her temperamental stomach hadn't allowed her to eat much food for a couple of days. She sat up; crossing her legs, and ate quietly. Alex sat next to her, giving her about a foot and a half of space. He didn't say anything while she ate and she was just glad to be in his presence.

After some time, the doorbell rang. She glanced at him nervously. He patted her leg. "Don't worry. I'll get it."

She grabbed his hand, pulling him back towards the bed. She didn't want him answering the door. The last time that doorbell rang, it nearly killed her. Attempting to soothe her worried eyes, he smiled. At lease she was showing interest in him again. "It's okay," he said. "I'll be right back."

She let go of him and crossed her arms. Tears welled in her eyes. _Don't go. I need you. _

He started to say something, but the doorbell rang again. Mark must have left for work. Alex jogged downstairs to catch the person before they gave up and left. He opened the door.

It was Derek.

He pushed past Alex without even an invite into the house. "Hey. Mark called me. He got paged to an emergency. Burn victim. I'm here to fill in."

"Oh, well, thanks." Alex was still processing the fact that Derek was here. He hadn't even known that Mark had left and Derek was moving so quickly.

As Alex shut the door, Derek hung up his coat in the closet. _How many times has he been here? _Alex wondered._ I know they stayed friends after the divorce, even before we started dating, but he's acting like he lives here._

Derek effortlessly made his way through the house and talked as he moved. "If it's okay, Meredith and Izzie are going to bring over some food later." He got a glass out of the cupboard, filled it with water, and chugged it in two seconds flat.

Alex gathered his courage and spoke up, "I think you need to slow down, man." _Whoa. When did I become the calm one?_

Derek looked up. "What?" Another glass of water swirled down his throat.

Alex opened the refrigerator and threw him a water bottle. "You're talking and moving really fast. Are you okay?"

Derek put the water bottle down and Alex could see that his hands were shaking. "Yeah." He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a second. He looked down at the counter. "I just can't believe that he came back. It was supposed to be over. But he came back. And he hurt her again. And it's not fair because she's such a good person. She doesn't deserve this."

Alex leaned on the counter. "No one does."

Derek sipped his water. "Especially not her though. She didn't do anything wrong. He hurt her." _And I hurt her too, when had an affair with Meredith, when I told her that I never wanted to see her again. How could I be so stupid? _"It's terrible."

Alex stood up. "It is." He paused. "She's not talking. Literally. She won't speak. Her therapist says it's okay. That it will get better. But she's not talking."

Derek appeared concerned. "She's not talking?"

Alex shook his head. "She's not talking. Apparently, she needs time to process things."

Derek thought about this for a while and then shrugged. "It makes sense." He leaned against the sink.

Alex looked down and scowled. He was slightly jealous that Derek could understand this psychology of silence better than he did.

Derek eyed the staircase. "Can I see her? Or would it be too painful for her?"

_Why would it be painful for her to see him? _Alex thought. "No, you can see her. I think she would like it. Abby, the therapist, said it would be good for her to listen to the voices of people close to her. "He glanced outside."I'll go tell the police officers that she needs a little more time before she can talk to them."

Derek pointed upstairs. "Where is she?"

"In our bedroom, eating pancakes. Do you know where it is?"

Derek was already headed there. "Yeah." When Derek entered the room, Addison was finished with her pancakes and the plate was sitting on the comforter again. She was lying on her back, staring at the ceiling. She heard him come in, but she didn't look at him. He walked in and moved to the side of the bed, letting his hand graze hers.

"Alex says you haven't been talking."

Addison's fingers twitched on the bed, but he didn't notice. "I guess he wasn't exaggerating." Derek chuckled a little at nothing.

"People miss you at Seattle Grace. Everyone keeps asking about you, how you are, when you'll be back." Derek hoped he could lift her spirits a little. "Mark and Izzie flirt and banter constantly. You know, like we used to. It's kind of sickening actually." Every time Derek saw Mark and Izzie, he made a mental note to be more careful with his public displays of affection with Meredith. "Mark might really like her." Derek thought about how much Mark had grown. The difference between Mark in New York and Mark in Seattle was immense. _Mark in _ _Seattle__ is mature...and responsible. _Derek almost couldn't believe it. It felt weird, going to Mark with personal problems and getting actual advice, no just a sarcastic comment. Addison had changed him for the better. "You know, it seems like a paradox, but I think the mess of this past year may have made him a better person."

Her eyes fixed on the same spot on the ceiling. Derek wondered how she could go so long without blinking. "Dr. Torres- Dr. O'Malley- Callie misses you a lot. She's been really busy lately. She's going to come by soon, she says. But she wants you to lock the snake in a room with barbed wire and steel around it. Did you know that she and Dr. O'Malley are trying to get pregnant? Can you imagine what that kid is going to be like? You'll have your hands full when babysitting. She'll definitely want you to deliver the baby."

He thought that he almost saw her crack a tiny smile, but he couldn't be sure. "I think Bailey is getting tired of being outnumbered by the male attendings. The interns are driving her crazy. I guess there's nothing new about that."

He could tell she was enjoying this. He was glad that she made so many friends who care about her when she first moved to Seattle. "And Burke- he asks about you everyday. He wishes that he had time to come over. It's not that he doesn't want to see you. He wanted me to tell you that his sister went through something similar to what you experienced and that she's doing great now. So you're going to get better." Derek kept telling himself that.

Addison sighed and he realized for the first time that she was looking at him. _At least she didn't have any brain damage from yesterday. _He sat on the edge of the bed, not wanting to push the boundaries of her personal space. "How do you like Abby? Meredith saw her regularly for a while and now she goes back sometimes. She's always saying that a person would be emotionally healthy if they spoke to Abby at least once a week."

Derek grimaced. "I don't know if I was supposed to tell you that. Don't tell Meredith." He laughed. "I just realized how weird this is. My ex-wife and my girlfriend are seeing the same therapist. It's funny, isn't it?" Derek laughed again, hoping she would join him. Addison could never resist a laugh. "I don't know...Meredith seems better these days. She's going to stop by later to bring food. Mind you, she didn't make it herself, but it's the thought that counts." Derek sighed. _It's surprising that Meredith is even doing this. She's been really jealous lately. _"I just don't know what to do with her. Half the time she's completely committed to me, the other half she wants to see other people. Sometimes she shuts herself off and I know she's depressed. But other times I think the bad days are over for good."

He sat there, waiting for her response. "Ad, please. I need your help. I need my best friend. Tell me what to do. Come on, you love that."

Addison swallowed. He hardly ever asked her for advice on Meredith. Maybe he was really moving on from the one thing that put a damper on their friendship. But she expected that he was only trying to get her to talk, so she kept quiet, but she stared apologetically.

He leaned over her. "Just say something. Anything."

Addison bit her lip and looked away nervously. He was crowding her. She scooted back, away from him.

Derek watched her, hurt. She'd never backed away from him before. He sat up. "I'm sorry." _I'm not used to feeling helpless. I cannot do anything. _"I really wish you would talk." She seemed so troubled. "What's wrong?" he asked, not really expecting an answer. "I know you feel like you've made a bunch of mistakes, but most of them aren't even you fault." He ran one of his fingertips over the hairline next to her temple. Her expression turned slightly more peaceful. Derek smiled, "I hope that you don't consider our marriage to be one of these mistakes. And I hope you don't consider the demise of our marriage to be one either. Because they weren't. I just thought that I should tell you that while you were quiet and unwilling to retort."

She stared at the same place over his shoulder.

"Okay." He was tired of pleading and begging and apologizing. At least for now. "I'll go and get Alex. Meredith and Izzie should be over soon."

He patted her on the arm before exiting the room. As soon Meredith and Izzie got to the house, Derek was paged to the hospital. He left Meredith and Izzie in the kitchen and Alex with Addison in her room. His patient had coded and was rushed to an emergency surgery, but the patient had died anyway. _The perfect end to a perfect day, _Derek thought bitterly. He pulled off his scrub cap and saw Burke and Mark staring at the OR board. He slowly stepped up to the board. It always calmed him, seeing the straight lines and everything in the right place. Mark did a double take. "What the hell are you doing here?! You're supposed to be at Addison's, helping Alex!"

Derek stepped back in defense. "Calm down, Meredith and Izzie are there with him."

Burke and Mark stared at him. Finally, Mark spoke, "You left Alex alone with Meredith, Izzie, and Addison?"

Burke shook his head. "What were you thinking?"

Derek froze. "Do you think the chief will get mad if his three only attendings left to go rescue an intern?"

Mark nodded. "Definitely."

Burke, the good guy, stepped in, "I'm not sure this is such a good idea." He frowned.

Derek led them into the locker room. "We really should go. Alex has had such a rough day. Addison's not speaking at all now."

Burke wrinkled his nose in confusion. "She's not speaking?"

"Speaking, talking..." Derek listed, "but she does make noises and eye contact."

Mark purposely banged his head on the locker in frustration. "I should have been there."

Burke opened his locker. "Did you have anyone check her out after yesterday?"

Mark nodded. "She's fine. Alex looked her over last night. He said nothing but a couple of bruises."

Burke cleared his throat. "I meant psychologically. She must be terrified."

Derek and Mark were silent.

Burke pulled out his jacket and slammed the locker. "Seriously?!" he murmured. He stormed around the locker room. "She hasn't talked for a day after a MAJOR crisis and you two didn't even think to get her checked out?!"

Mark scratched his head. "Wait! Just wait a minute! Alex called earlier this afternoon and he might have said something about her therapist. That she talked -well, listened- to her on the phone. And Alex has been talking to her all day."

"And I talked to her this afternoon!" Derek chimed in.

Burke leaned against the lockers and closed his eyes. _They would never understand. _"Okay. Let's just go."

Derek and Mark threw on their coats and the men headed out the door. When they turned the corner to the lobby, they nearly slammed into Richard.

Richard stopped them. "And just where do you think you're going?" He cocked an eyebrow.

Burke smiled warmly while Derek and Mark stood there frozen with their mouths wide open. Burke patted Mark and Derek on the back and whispered, "Run."

They both looked at him, confused. Richard peered at them. "What's going on?"

Burke whispered again, "Go. Now. While you still can. I'll stall him and you can escape. I'll meet you at the house later. GO!"

Mark and Derek took the hint and scurried off in the opposite direction. Richard groaned and then scowled at Preston.

Burke grinned and flashed his famous pearly whites.

* * *

_Out of all the hours thinking  
Somehow  
I've lost my mind_

Mark and Derek arrived at the house and told Meredith and Izzie that they could leave. Izzie, who was enjoying the large house and the double ovens, was disappointed to go and planned on coming back to make more baked goods for Addison. But it also seemed like she and Mark were always in opposite places and she never got to see him. They shared a quick kiss in the shadows before she and Meredith took off. Meredith left Derek with a warning stare that said: You'd better be home on time tonight or else you're in BIG trouble.

Mark and Derek headed upstairs. Alex was sleeping with his arm wrapped around Addison protectively. Addison's eyes were closed, but they snapped open when the men entered the room.

"Hey," they whispered.

Alex snuggled further into Addison and she rubbed his neck comfortingly. Alex woke up, swallowing thickly. He jolted to a sitting position when he saw Mark and Derek. He rubbed his eyes. "How long have you two been standing there?"

They shrugged. "Just a few seconds."

Mark stared at Addison, who was watching Alex. _She really isn't talking. _"Hey. Did you sleep well?"

She turned her head towards Mark and looked at him with an expression that he couldn't quite identify. He was stunned. Addison LOVED to talk.

Derek and Mark sat on the bed. Alex felt a little crowded, but Addison didn't seem to mind.

Derek spoke first. "Burke will be over soon. He wants to see Addison. He just got stuck at the hospital, because of Richard. Richard was a little angry that we left, but I'm sure he'll get over it soon."

Addison eyed him nervously. From what Derek had told her earlier about him, Burke would probably want to talk about what happened, something she definitely was not ready for.

Mark's head was still stuck in the past. "Addie, do you remember when we would go shopping back in New York? You were such a chatterbox. You could talk for hours about shoes and purses and designers. Don't you remember that?"

He laughed a little, but Derek and Alex felt left out. Mark leaned forward, closer to Addison. She stared him in the eye. "Tell me about your favorite designer again," He demanded, "I'll listen this time, I promise. I really, really..." Mark's voice cracked. "...want to know. So please tell me." Tears started to well up in his eyes.

Derek put a hand on his shoulder. "Mark..."

"Shut up," Mark cut him off. "Both of you, you had your turns. Now it's my turn to talk to Addison."

"Addie," He grasped her hand, but she yanked it away. There was no love, no comfort here. He wasn't giving her what she wanted. Still, Mark persisted. "Don't you want to get revenge? Don't you want to punish him? That- Jake Parker! He could go away for life if you testify! Please don't let him go free. It would make me so sick. I would have to kill him. And then I would go to jail, and there would be a lot of pissed-off fifty year old women who depend on me for their yearly face-lifts and tummy-tucks. I believe that you do not want that. I know you want to talk!! I know you do!"

He stared at her so intensely that she could hardly breathe. She started gasping for air and Alex sat her up, so she could catch her breath. Her hand grasped Alex's arm so tightly that his veins popped out. Alex brushed his lips over her cheek to calm her down.

Mark slid down to the ground with his head between his knees. Derek stalked off into the corner.

The room was a mess when Preston walked in. He didn't ask what was going on. He already knew. Addison stared at him in shock and anxiety. She had no idea what he was going to do and she was fearful. But, Preston simple walked over to the bed and took her face in his hands. He stroked her cheeks with his thumbs until she closed her eyes. She felt miraculously at peace. He let his hands fall to his sides.

"You need to get up. You need to move on. You need to talk. There is no other option."

She just watched him in awe. The Preston Burke that she knew talked in facts and reasoning. Never had she heard so much emotion from his voice.

He continued, "A lot of really bad things happen to a lot of really good people. No one knows why. They just do. I have learned, from experience that it is best to take a day to rest and then you move on. Your day of rest is over. You will move on."

"You might think that you're the only person in the world who experiences such events, that you're the only person who crazy once in while or more than that."

"The truth is, everyone goes crazy. And it happens every day. We all do things. It is not just you."

"I know that man said some terrible things to you. I know this because I've heard those things said to someone I hold very dearly in my heart. I also know that none of those things are true. He attacked you, physically and emotionally. He manipulated you and your feelings to suit his own interests."

"Do NOT let his actions claim your life. He was WRONG. There are so many people who need you. There are so many children and mothers and even fathers who live because of you. Every second that he takes from your life, he takes from theirs."

"Come back to us. We love you and care about you. You will be fine. Trust me, I know."

All of the men in Addison's life watched her, holding their breaths for any word. They realized this was it. If she didn't talk now, she would never be the same.

She looked at all of them desperately. She didn't want to talk. She couldn't. She wasn't ready. She needed more time. _Please,_ she begged. _Don't make me._

Preston was worried. He gave it his best shot. _That was a fantastic speech, if I didn't say so myself. Why is she looking at us like that? Doesn't she know how hard it was for me to talk about it? Reliving all of those painful memories, it would have been a waste if she doesn't talk now._

Addison looked at Alex. He seemed so hopeful and so lost at the same time. She put her hand on his knee and stroked the bandage that he wore from this morning.

Her mouth dropped open and a noise came out, sort of like an open-mouthed hum. She tried again and her voice came out hoarse, "I'm so sorry about your knee."

Alex grabbed her and pushed her into the bed, kissing every part of her that his lips could reach. Mark and Derek tackled Preston in a big, manly, bear hug.

Preston wore a smile on his face. For the first time, he felt genuinely at peace about his past.

* * *

A/N: LESS THAN A WEEK!! And longer than ever. Please tell me that I rock your world. (If you don't it's okay, because I'm just automatically going to assume it.)

I wasn't really sure about the characters in this one. I hate writing them OOC, but sometimes it just has to happen. But I really did ask myself the question: "If Mark, Alex, and Derek had Addison alone in a room and she couldn't talk, what would they say?" I really only got to Derek, because Alex was just so darn worried and Mark kind of had to share his scene with Preston, who totally stole his thunder.

And I'm just curious (for future stories)... but who is your favorite Addison/character pairing? Obviously you like Addison/Alex on some level if you're reading this story.

Review. Pleaseandthankyou.

Next chapter: Addison and Alex do cute things together!!!! I can see it in my head and I'm already like "Awwww". I haven't even written it yet. Also, Alex freaks out. Then, Mark freaks out. And then Derek helps. Probably.

Thank you for reading my story!!!!!!!


	14. I Like to Sleep

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1**

**Can't Fight the Moonlight**

Chapter 14: I Like to Sleep

_Previously on __Can't Fight the Moonlight__…_

_Addison smiles at him and he holds her hand as they walk down the hallway. "So, you really like Dr. Levenkron?"_

_Addison replies quickly. "You can call her Abby. Everyone does." She hesitates and then says with confidence. "And, yes, I like her." _

_Maybe if I close my eyes  
All my troubles will subside  
I'll dream in color like in the movies  
Somebody comes to rescue me  
Saves me from this tragedy  
Puts me in the middle of Broadway_

When Addison woke up, she felt the warm sun shining on her face and found herself to be wrapped in Alex's strong arms. She felt safer than she had in days. Alex was snoring into the pillow. She rubbed his back and moved her face near his, kissing his nose until he woke up. She whispered, "Good morning."

"Is this a dream?" He muffled into her lips.

"Nope," she replied as she kissed him awake. "I love you. I love you. I love you."

He finally responded, kissing her back and she stopped. "I'm sorry. I didn't say it enough yesterday."

He put a finger to her lips. "Don't apologize for anything that happened yesterday, okay?"

She nodded and they lay there, enjoying each others presence for a few minutes. When they both were fully awake, Addison sat up. "Let's get breakfast. I'm starving."

Alex laughed. "I bet you are. I'll make you breakfast. But you are eating at the kitchen table. You've spent too much time in bed."

"Okay." Addison was tired of lying down. She hopped out of bed and almost instantly, her knees gave out. Alex rushed to the other side of the bed. "Are you okay?!"

She was laughing on the floor. "I forgot how to walk!"

"Here," he offered his arms out to her. "I'll help you."

He pulled her off the floor and they took tiny, tiny steps with most of her weight on his body. When they made it out into the hallway, Addison stopped him to peer into the guestroom. Mark and Derek had fallen asleep there, in the same bed. Addison chuckled. She had four other guestrooms that neither of the men took advantage of.

Alex shook his head. "What are they doing?"

Addison offered him a little insight into the psychology of the attendings. "Mark and Derek could never sleep alone. Usually, they are with women, but I guess this was the next best thing."

Alex nodded. "Good to know." He made a mental note to never sleep alone with one of them in the house at night.

He half-carried Addison down the stairs, not wanting to fall. When they reached the kitchen, he deposited her on one of the barstools near the island counter and opened up the refrigerator. "Eggs?" he asked, pleading that she took him up on it. Eggs were the only thing he knew how to make.

She nodded and he sarcastically wiped his forehead in relief. She laughed and propped up her elbow on the counter. "So, Derek said that Mark and Izzie are getting along pretty well. What do you think about that?" She searched his eyes for any signs of jealousy.

Luckily for her, Alex just laughed. "All I know is that whenever he talks about her, his eyes get this weird little gleam in them. And he thinks she's like the most amazing woman on this earth. Which we both know isn't true. Because you're the most amazing woman on this earth." He knew it bothered her when he said stuff like that because she thought that he was just saying it to get into her pants. But she really did deserve some corny romance in her life and if he didn't do it to often, she wouldn't bug him about it.

"Stop it," she teased kiddingly as her face flushed. "You don't have to talk like that. I know it puts a damper on your masculinity."

He walked closer to her, moving his mouth almost against hers. "Who told you that?"

"Mark," she muttered and looked down.

Alex laughed and cracked the egg on the pan. It sizzled as it started to fry. "Mark seems awfully insecure about his masculinity."

"I am NOT insecure about my masculinity!" A voice boomed from behind them. They turned their heads and Addison rolled her eyes.

Mark stood there, with his hands on his hips. "I'm the one who slept in the same bed with a GUY all night! I'm the one who cooked chocolate chip pancakes! I'd say that I am the most secure with my masculinity. I'm like the alpha male."

"And you're egg is burning," he added.

"Oh, shit." Alex cursed and flipped the egg over. "Sorry," he apologized to Addison. "I'll eat this one."

Mark glared at him. Alex sighed. "And I'm sorry, Mark. You are very secure with your masculinity."

"And..."

"And, you are the alpha male. I apologize for doubting you," Alex recited.

Mark nodded. "That's better."

Addison changed the subject. "Is Derek still sleeping?"

"Is it past ten o'clock?" Mark asked rhetorically.

"Right," Addison sighed.

Mark watched Alex struggle with the spatula in annoyance. After Alex finally got the egg onto the plate, he asked Mark, "Do you want an egg?"

Mark cleared his throat. "Yes, yes, I do want an egg. I do NOT, however, want a burnt lump of nothing."

Alex looked confused, until Mark demanded, "Just give me the spatula."

Alex handed it over and Addison commented, "Looks like someone's got a case of the Mondays." Addison knew that would get him. Mark hated "Office Space", although Addison was convinced that he really loved it, as she did.

Mark threw the spatula on the counter. "It's Thursday!"

"I know," Addison laughed, "But it's really funny when you get all pissy and mad."

Mark stared at her and then at Alex. Alex, concerned about his future career in plastics, raised his hand. "I don't think it's funny."

Addison shook her head. "Oh, don't worry. Mark is always a little cranky in the mornings."

"That's it!" Mark exclaimed in frustration.

"What? Where are you going?" Addison asked.

Mark stormed around the kitchen. "I'm going to go wake up Derek."

"Come on, don't be an ass." Alex said, "why would you want to do that?"

Mark was already halfway up the stairs. He shouted down. "Misery LOVES company."

Alex and Addison heard Mark yell Derek's name. Then, they heard a _smack! _and Mark yelped. Derek stomped down the stairs, ignoring Addison and Alex as he entered the kitchen. He threw open the pantry door and slammed the cereal down on the counter.

At this point, Mark came trotting down the stairs, a bright red mark the size of a handprint on his cheek. Mark and Derek glared at each other for a minute or so before Derek stormed over to the refrigerator, pouring himself a glass of orange juice.

Addison raised her eyebrows. She whispered to Alex, "They're usually not this grumpy. I apologize on their behalf."

Alex and Addison sat down at the kitchen table, followed by Derek. They sat in silence as Mark finished frying his egg. Mark dropped the plate on the table and it clattered loudly.

Alex stared at the plate. "Dude, did you make an omelet?"

Mark looked down at the perfectly folded layers of egg and then back up at Alex. "I'm surprised that you even know what an omelet is," he retorted.

Alex fell silent. Addison happily chewed on her egg. _Finally, things seem almost normal._ "Wow. Have you grown more bitter with age?" she teased.

Mark shook his head. "Nope. You just haven't lived with us for a while. You must have forgotten how pissed off we are in the mornings before coffee."

Alex jumped up from his seat to start the coffee maker. He couldn't take much more of this. _Isn't it about time for them to be at work?_

Addison laughed at Alex and then turned back to Mark. "That makes for a compelling argument. However, from what I recall, YESTERDAY, you were angels in the morning, even before coffee. Maybe I shouldn't talk more often."

Mark gasped. Alex spilled the coffee. Derek's spoon fell into his bowl with a _clang!_

Addison's face fell. "What?!"

Mark looked down at the table. "I am so sorry."

Derek nodded in agreement. "Me too."

Addison couldn't believe what she was hearing. "What? No...I was just kidding. I would never do that again to you."

Mark and Derek began eating quietly again. Addison laughed nervously. "Seriously. I was joking. Go back to what you were doing," she pleaded.

Mark looked up at Derek. "I'm sorry for waking you up." Derek replied, "It's not a problem." Mark glanced back at Addison. "See, we're not fighting anymore. You don't have to be sad."

"I'm not sad!" Addison exclaimed.

"Addison is going to see Abby today," Alex announced, trying to change the subject. He could practically see the steam rising off of Addison's skin.

"Good." Derek appeared pleased.

Addison scoffed, "Not if you don't stop acting like this. It's not normal!"

"I'm sorry, Addison," Mark explained, "But do you really expect anything different after yesterday? You really had us worried."

"But I'm getting better," Addison asserted.

"Yes, you are." Alex came up from behind her to smooth down her hair. "We just want to make sure nothing relapses."

Addison stood up to put her dishes in the dishwasher, still fuming. Even the men who have proven to be inattentive and oblivious noticed her anger. However, they decided to let it blow over. They had every right to be extra careful around her. Both of them filled up a mug of coffee. Derek leaned against the doorway to the pantry.

Mark followed him, scratching his head. "Hey, do you think Izzie would move in here? As friends?"

Derek laughed. "Why in the world would she want to do that?"

Mark sighed. _Maybe this isn't such a great idea. _"It's getting crowded at Meredith's!" Mark defended.

Derek's eyes widened in revelation. "Meredith!"

He paced the room, searching for a phone. "Shit! I was supposed to stay at her house last night. She's gonna be so mad!!" He began dialing and hurried off into another room in anticipation of what was to come.

Mark laughed. "He's so whipped!" He turned back to Addison and Alex. "So, back to Izzie, what can I do to get her to move in? Do I have to grovel? Because it might be worth it."

Addison rolled her eyes. "Just go to work. I'm sure you'll figure it out."

Mark started to speak again, but Alex cut him off, "Can we have some privacy for a minute, Mark?" Alex gave him a look that reminded him of their not-yet-official deal.

Luckily for Alex, Mark just rubbed his chin in thought. "Uhh, yeah." Mark wandered upstairs, wondering about Izzie's favorite kind of flowers.

Addison was facing the sink, washing her hands. Alex came up behind her, resting his ching on her shoulder to look out the window above then sink. He rubbed her hips with his thumbs and moved his hands up her body. He stroked her waist, around her stomach, and up her arms. He moved his hands across the inside of her elbows to meet her hands under the water.

"Ouch!" It took him a half-second to react. He removed his hands from under the streaming (and now, steaming) water. "This water is scalding!! Addison!" He pulled her bright red hands away. "What are you trying to do? Burn off a few nerve cells?"

He wrapped her hands in a nearby dishcloth. She looked up at him and shook the hair away from her face. "Sorry. I guess I just didn't notice the temperature."

He wore a panicky expression and his face was twisted into an ugly frown. _Is she lying to me again? No. I have to assume the best of her. _"Maybe we should have Derek check you out. You could have some kind of neurological disease..."

"Alex..." she trailed off, not wanting for him of make excuses for her. "I just like warm water. You don't have to question everything I do."

"Geez." Alex stepped back with his hands up in defense. "Yesterday, you wouldn't talk and now you're snapping at me. I've never been so confused in my entire life!"

Addison braced the counter behind her, her eyes wide and her mouth trembling. He realized her distress and moved closer. "I'm sorry," he whispered against her cheek and wrapped his arms around her back. He could feel her hands slightly shaking on his arms. "Okay. It will get better soon. You'll see. And you're going to talk to Abby today."

"I'll be fine." She said, partly to reassure herself.

He put his hands next to hers on the counter. "Of course. Now, let's go, our appointment is in an hour."

"Okay." Addison scurried upstairs. Alex followed her, reminding himself to check the temperature of the shower water.

_So here I go away again.  
They're trying to get me back again  
No longer can I wait her to feel it  
Sail away into the night  
Trying to find the chorus line  
Dream again I'm in the movies_

Waiting in the reception area, Alex turned the page of the car magazine that he was reading. He checked the clock. _Addison had been in Abby's office for exactly an hour._ It was time for the appointment to be over. He glanced at the door every second. Five minutes passed by, but it felt more like five hours. Finally, the door opened to Addison, smiling.

"Hey! Ready to go?"

"How was everything?" He placed a cautious hand on the small of her back. He felt relieved to smell her and hear her again.

Addison grinned at Abby. "Great. I'm coming back in two days."

Abby nodded. "That's right. She's made a lot of progress. I'll see you then, Addison." She started to walk back into her office, but Alex grabbed her arm. "Can I talk to you for a second?"

"What?" Addison furrowed her brow in confusion. Alex had seen this coming. "I just need to talk to her for a second. For me."

"Why?" Addison found this absolutely absurd. _What is he talking about? He's not the crazy one! I am!_

"Well, this whole thing hasn't exactly been a picnic for me either." He turned to Abby. "Don't worry. I'll pay you for every extra minute." _Well, Addison will probably pay, but she's got enough money that it won't even matter._

Addison looked at him worriedly. "Are you okay?" It was weird. She was used to being the only one needing help.

Alex nodded and stuffed his hands into his pockets. "Yeah, I just need a third party to talk to for a few minutes. I promise. It won't be long."

"Of course." This was the first time in the past month that he had asked her for anything? Who was she to deny him his request? Thinking about this, she felt a little selfish. "I'll just wait for you out here. Okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be right out." He followed Abby into the room. "Sorry. I wouldn't normally ask...but I need this."

"Not a problem." Abby settled in her chair.

Alex rubbed his neck. "I was just wondering if there was anything that I could be doing. At home."

Abby rested her arm on the armchair. "Wait. I thought we were talking about you."

Alex walked over to the window. "It would help me if I knew what to do, how to make her feel better. Because lately, she's been tossing and turning in her sleep. I get so worried that I can't sleep. And she gets these mood swings, which I can't blame on hormones or anything. And I never know when she's telling the truth. I just want to be able to trust her again."

Abby let him walk around the room a couple more times before he stopped out of breath and waiting for her response. "Here's the good news: I don't think that Addison would lie to you. If she says she's not tired or hungry, then she probably isn't. Trust me. That man did a lot of damage to her spirit, but she will experience moments of happiness. You haven't lost her. She is not past the point of no return."

Alex stared off in to the window and down at the parking lot. "I just want her to get a good night's sleep."

"I understand." Abby smiled warmly. "You're a wonderful boyfriend to Addison. Just give her lots of rest and exercise and good food to eat. She needs to be physically healthy. I think you'll notice a dramatic difference in her moods."

Abby was great at her job. Her words put Alex to ease instantaneously. "Remember what I said yesterday. People have come through these sorts of events with minimal damage all of the time. She will make it through."

"Okay, thanks." Alex was still catching his breath.

Abby observed him sympathetically. "You can do this. Try something for me. The next time she goes off into one of her mood swings, try to calm her down. Do what you would normally do when she gets upset. If nothing works, then call me. But only use me as a last resort, okay?"

Alex laughed. "Are you trying to get rid of us, doctor?" Abby smiled. "Of course not. I was just-"

"Relax." Alex cut her off. "I was kidding." He stood. "I should get back out there before she gets bored and takes off without me." The both laughed as Alex opened the door.

Addison was leaning against the counter, chatting it up with the receptionist. Her eyes lit up when she saw him. He grabbed her hand. "Thanks for waiting."

"It's nothing," she replied. "Do you feel better?"

"Yeah." He smiled at Abby. "Thank you. For everything."

"It's my pleasure." Abby was very glad that she could help. This couple seemed like they really deserved it.

Addison tugged on his arm. "Let's go." She waved goodbye. "See you later, Abby!"

_I, I like to sleep_

The day passed by reasonably well. Alex took her grocery shopping, so they could have more in their freezer besides popsicles, Lean Cuisines and frozen pizzas. After restocking the kitchen and eating dinner, they went for an evening stroll. Alex drove her to a not-so-nearby park. He didn't want any painful reminders to ruin their day.

Later that night, he cornered her in the kitchen, as they were having one last snack before heading off to bed. He fed her a celery stick dipped in peanut butter, kissing some of it off her lips as she giggled. Mark was sitting in the other room, watching television and pretending to hear them. He had become much less grouchy as the day progressed. Alex suspected that Derek would not be sleeping over again. In fact, he hadn't heard from Derek all day. _Meredith probably has him begging for mercy right about now, _he thought in the midst of chewing on a celery stick.

The doorbell rang.

Addison gasped and pulled Alex into the pantry to hide.

_So much for the perfect evening, _Alex thought as she clutched his arms in panic.

"Can you get that?!" Alex shouted from inside the closet.

Luckily, Mark heard his muffled request. "I'm on it."

He cautiously stepped towards the door as Alex comforted a tearful Addison.

It was Izzie.

Mark smiled, more than he usually would, as he fiddled with the lock on the door. "It's Izzie! It's Izzie! It's Izzie!" he shouted. He opened the door. "Come on in. You look beautiful. I'm so glad you're here!" He pulled her into his tight embrace. "Thanks for coming! How was your day?"

"Maybe she'll tell you if she could get a word in edgewise," Alex interrupted. He had dragged Addison out of the pantry, red-eyed and sniffly, to show her that there was no real harm. "See, Addison? It's only Izzie."

Izzie felt like she hadn't seen the redhead in months. Though she was just in this house yesterday, Addison had kept to her bedroom, and Izzie didn't once leave the kitchen. "I'm so sorry, Addison. I didn't mean to scare you," she apologized genuinely.

Addison wiped her eyes. "It's okay." _God, that was embarrassing._

Mark stretched his grin across his teeth. "I thought you weren't going to come over."

Izzie sighed, "It was too loud at Meredith's."

Mark winced. "Make-up sex?"

Izzie laughed. "Is that all you think about?!" She shook her head. "No, actually, Meredith was really upset about last night."

"Why? What happened last night?" Addison asked softly.

Izzie hesitated. All eyes went (and not very subtly) to Addison. Addison looked at the ground. "It's because of me. It's because he stayed here, right?"

Alex reached for her hand and gave Mark a knowing look. Mark took the hint. "Ummm...no. No...it's definitely not that."

Addison refused to let Alex touch her and crossed her arms. "Mark! Stop lying to me!" Her eyes never left the floor. "I'd be really mad too, if I was her. I can't imagine what she must be thinking! If I was her, I'd hate me."

"No, Addison." Alex stood in front of her. "You are not allowed to say anything like that. You cannot think negative thoughts about yourself." _I am taking charge. She will get through this, _he convinced himself.

It backfired.

"Just shut up, Alex." Addison spit back at him. "You're just embarrassing me in front of Izzie." Addison stormed back upstairs and into the bedroom, Alex just behind her.

"Addison!" he yelled. He almost stopped himself. He was almost afraid. "That was mean. You KNOW better than to talk to me like that."

She sat on the bed to take off her shoes. "Stop treating me like a child!"

He glared at her. _Why isn't this working?? _He stopped himself. All that he'd done was accuse her of things and that definitely wasn't making any progress. He remembered, _Abby said to comfort her, like I usually would. Okay. I can do this._

"Can I close the door?" He asked.

Addison gripped the sheets. "Why?"

He shrugged. "You said that you felt embarrassed. I don't want you to feel like that. Closing the door would give us some more privacy."

She nodded. Valid argument. He shut the door and crawled on to the bed.

She bit her lip. "What are you doing?"

He fidgeted on the bed. "Lying down. Join me."

For some odd reason, she complied, facing towards him on her side. "What?"

He didn't say anything. Instead, he rested his wrist right on her waist, draping his hand down her back. She jumped at his touch, but then relaxed. She closed her eyes but her mouth formed and whispered, "What?"

He moved a tiny bit closer. "You need a good night's sleep."

"I'm so sorry." Her face seemed to be focused on intense thought.

He put his lips next to her ear. "It's not your fault. Go to sleep."

Addison sighed in serenity, giving into her body's (and Alex's) wishes. She slept for an hour, and then Alex fell asleep too. He awoke five hours later to an insistent tugging on his t-shirt. He groaned awake. _What time is it? _He opened his eyes. It was very dark, but he could see Addison. With a few more blinks, he could tell she was crying.

_Oh-no. _He wrapped his arms around her, trying to convey warmth and safety to her. "It's okay. You're fine. It was just a bad dream. Go back to sleep. Please."

At first, she shoved him away, but then she yanked on his shoulders, pulling him back and forth. He noticed that her eyes were closed. _Is she still dreaming? _"It's okay, Addie. Open your eyes. It's me, Alex."

She finally pried her eyes open. However, contrary to Alex's expectations, she let out a painful scream and scampered off the bed into the corner of the bedroom. She pulled her knees to her chest and forced herself back into the corner.

Alex was still waking up. He slowly made it over to where she was. "I'm right here. Don't worry." He handed her a pillow, which she took and held on to. He flicked on the lights and her feet made a little patter on the floor, but otherwise, she was unaffected. He sat next to her, which was difficult seeing as she was wedged into the corner. "Just breathe. You're fine." Alex tried to put his hand comfortingly on her thigh, but she screamed again, shoving him away.

Alex groaned. _Again, I do not know what to do. But I can't call Abby. I told her that I would do this on my own. _He watched the tears stream down her eyes. "I wish I could help you. Please stop crying." Addison pushed the pillow towards him and wrapped her arms around herself.

"You're not alone." Alex reassured her. At this point, he first noticed her nails. Her long, manicured, sharp nails dragging down her own arm. Digging into her skin.

"Ouch, babe. That looks like it hurts." He tried to pull her hand off her skin, but she just slapped him away. "Addison, stop it." His voice wavered as her nails sliced into the grooves that had already been made. "Addison, I mean it. Stop. Now."

She wasn't listening. And this time, she drew blood.

"Addison!" Alex gasped. _I can't deal with this. I can't watch her. I can't. I can't. I can't. _He covered his own eyes. "Mark!" he yelled, loud enough for the whole house to hear, yet he couldn't hear himself over the screaming in his head. "MARK!!!" Alex never left her side.

Mark appeared at the doorway, wide awake, with Izzie squinting behind him.

"No!" Alex yelled. He pulled Mark inside. "Sorry Izzie, but you can't come in. Mark will be right out as soon as he helps Addison."

Mark knelt down on the floor. "Addison?"

She rocked, scratching her skin again. He sighed, rubbing his temples when she didn't respond. "This reminds me of something that happened back in New York a couple of times."

Alex's spirits were lifted for a moment. _It's not my fault. _He grabbed the phone and played with it, tossing it between his hands in indecision. Mark sat on the bed, leaning forward with his elbows resting on his knees. "Call Derek."

Alex sat in front of her, trying to catch her eye. "Why?"

Mark leaned back to lay flat on the bed. "In New York, when she got like this, she always pleaded for him. Maybe, because of all the stress that she's been through lately, her mind is flashing back to that time."

Alex tossed the phone to Mark. "You call him." Mark dialed the number that he knew by heart. Derek didn't pick up until the fifth ring.

"Hello?" he answered groggily.

Mark shoved the phone in Alex's direction, but he wouldn't take it so Mark spoke, "Derek? It's Mark. Addison needs to talk to you."

Derek quietly shifted in bed, as Meredith was asleep next to him. "I don't know...I'd help if I could. But I just made up with Meredith and I don't want to wake her up."

Mark shook his head and Alex mouthed "Say please". Mark groaned, "Please?" Alex watched as Addison's eyes darted from side to side. Mark continued, "Alex says that he'll explain to Meredith tomorrow. Addison needs you."

Derek rolled on the bed in frustration. _Addison needs Alex. If only he could see that. _"Okay. Put her on."

"Here." Mark handed the phone to Addison and she obediently accepted it, for some unknown reason. "It's Derek."

Addison listened intently for a few minutes. Out of nowhere, she dropped the phone. She looked up slowly. "Alex?" She reached for him and found herself in his arms instantly. He fell into her excitedly, knocking her into the wall. "Sorry. Sorry. Is your head okay?" Alex cradled her head in his hands. She was crying.

Alex comforted her and Mark picked up the phone. Derek was calling her name. "Addison? Addison? Are you there?"

Mark breathed a sigh of relief. "No, it's me. She's okay now."

Alex got Addison settled back into bed. She was frantically waving her hands around and softly murmuring her fears to him. Alex climbed into bed and put his arm around her, kissing her temple. She cuddled into his side, shielding herself from the world.

Mark handed the phone to Alex. "He wants to talk to you."

Alex took the phone. "Hey. Thanks."

Derek's voice was a little scratchy. "She sounded like she was out of breath. Is she okay?"

"No." Alex said, slightly annoyed. "She is not okay. She was just crying on the floor and now she won't let go of me. What the hell did you say to her?"

"Nothing!" Derek defended. "I just talked to her about normal stuff. Mark, Izzie, Bailey, this restaurant I thought she should try. What's going on?"

Alex pulled Addison closer to him. "You didn't realize that she wasn't saying anything back?! She was having some sort of night terror. Mark said it happened back in New York. What did you say that snapped her out of it?"

"What?" Derek sounded completely baffled. "I have no idea what you're talking about. She was experiencing a night terror?"

"What?" Alex look over to Mark, who, in turn, leaned over to whisper something to Alex. "I forgot to mention- this was back when we- Addison and me- were together, when Derek wasn't around. Actually, I think it was because of his absence that it even happened at all. Yeah, she kept whispering how much she missed him until she wore herself out and fell asleep. Just thought you should know."

Alex glared at Mark and clenched the phone in his hand. He prepared himself for what he was about to say. "Derek, I'm really glad that you could help her and everything, but doesn't it seem strange that you're the only one who can? I would give anything to do what you can do for her! Even after the divorce! You can still help her, even though you're still haunting her. Can't you just leave her alone?!"

Derek was shocked, completely out of words. Alex was accusing him of everything that he feared. It was chocking him. He couldn't breathe. That is, until he overheard Mark through the phone. "She's saying something."

Alex lifted her chin. "What is it?"

"Alex!" Addison breathed. All of her words came rushing out. "It was so awful, Alex. It was so awful and terrible and realistic. I felt like it was really happening- again! I could feel his hands all over me and touching me. Alex! Please! Make it stop!" she sobbed.

Alex looked up in silence and hugged her. He picked the phone back up. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to jump to conclusions. She was reliving the attack, not the affair."

Derek ran a hand through his hair. "It's okay," he said, though he knew that it really wasn't. His heart was still racing. "I just never knew...I never knew about that, back in New York."

"Yeah. Neither did I." Alex pushed her hair back and pulled it into a messy ponytail, securing it with an elastic band that Mark found. She was still shaking and her nose was running. Alex motioned to Mark to find some tissues for her. "Anyway, thanks for helping. I'm really sorry to bother you. You should get back to sleep."

"Yeah." Derek looked to Meredith. He couldn't believe that she was still asleep. "I'll talk to you tomorrow."

"Okay. Bye." Alex turned off the phone just as Mark instructed Addison to blow into the tissue. Alex locked his arms around her waist and her arms dangled around his shoulders. Mark felt a little like he was intruding.

"Well, I'm going to go back to Izzie. Are you two going to be okay for the rest of the night?"

Addison nodded. "I think so."

Mark opened the door. "Let me know if you need anything. That's what I'm here for."

When he left, Addison smiled. "You know, I think I could get used to having him around."

Alex chuckled. "Well, you might be in luck because I think that he and his girlfriend just moved in."

Addison laughed, but then she became very quiet. "I don't think I'm going to be able to sleep tonight."

"Just try. You need to rest. We'll talk about it in the morning. Don't worry. Think of something pleasant." Alex kissed her head. Sure enough, she was lulled into a deep sleep from the sound of his heart beat. Alex placed her back on her side of the bed and sat up. "Oh, God," he whispered as the events of the night finally began to take their toll on him. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he realized how scared and worried he actually was.

Alex didn't know it, but Derek Shepherd mirrored his position that night. Derek leaned against the headboard, wiping away the wetness on his face with a sheet. _I can't believe that I caused her so much pain. I can't believe my actions are still terrorizing her. _He felt sick.

Derek sat in bed for a little longer before he realized that he, quite literally, was going to be sick. He rushed to the bathroom before emptying the contents of his stomach in the toilet. Meredith, hearing him, filled a glass of water and handed to him when he woozily stood up and sat back down on the edge of the bathtub.

"What's wrong?" she asked.

He shook his head, leading her back into bed.

"We'll talk about it in the morning."

* * *

A/N: I really wanted to get this in on Saturday, but it looks like I'm about 46 minutes too late. At least I updated before the three month mark. 

This probably could have been better, but I'm very very tired. And I would actually like to get some sleep, as the song says. Also, it's been a long week. Finals, and for some odd reason, a lot of young people died this week. Like too young to die. And it was quite thought-provoking because now I'm like "Am I taking life for granted? Am I really happy? What is the meaning of life?" (which I actually wrote a paper on, relating the meaning of life to Frankenstein, The Scarlet Letter, and The Kite Runner) And completely off-topic, but The Scarlet Letter is actually a fantastic book. I liked it very much, but everyone else thought it was boring. Maybe that's because I skipped most of the long descriptions and only read the dialougue.

Okay. Time for three good things that happened this week: 1.I did well on finals. 2.I saw National Treasure 2 3. CHRISTMAS IS COMING!!! Well, I feel better, don't you? And in case you were wondering, the pairing that was most favored was...Alex/Addison!!! Surprising? Not much.

That said, would anyone object to a Mark/Addison flashback next chapter? Or I could just skip it and jump back into the actual story. Because I don't want to write it if you don't want to read it. That would just be stupid.

So, you should review. In the spirit of Christmas and my not-so-good week. And in your review, you should answer that question. Or you could tell me which is your favorite chapter so far. Most of you probably won't remember, but, hey, this is a good excuse to go back and read the whole thing again. Oh, and also, if anyone can tell me the orginial peformer of this song, "I Like to Sleep", I'll update on Wednesday.

Have a wonderful holiday!!


	15. Beast of Burden

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 **

**Can't Fight the Moonlight **

Chapter 15: Beast of Burden

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight…_

_Izzie sighed, "It was too loud at Meredith's."_

_Mark winced. "Make-up sex?"_

_Izzie laughed. "Is that all you think about?!" She shook her head. "No, actually, Meredith was really upset about last night."_

_"Why? What happened last night?" _ _Addison__ asked softly._

_Izzie hesitated. All eyes went (and not very subtly) to _ _Addison_ _Addison__ looked at the ground. "It's because of me. It's because he stayed here, right?"_

_Alex reached for her hand and gave Mark a knowing look. Mark took the hint. "Ummm...no. No...It's definitely not that."_

_Addison__ refused to let Alex touch her and crossed her arms. "Mark! Stop lying to me!" Her eyes never left the floor. "I'd be really mad too, if I was her. I can't imagine what she must be thinking! If I was her, I'd hate me."_

* * *

_Yeah, all your sickness  
I can suck it up  
Throw it all at me  
I can shrug it off  
There's one thing baby  
That I don't understand  
You keep on telling me  
I ain't your kind of man_

Addison woke up and groaned. Her head was killing her. She threw back her comforter and Alex stirred a little. She bit her lip and slowly swung her legs over the side. She stood and her feet hit the seemingly hard carpet. She made her was to the bathroom and opened the closet, searching for some sort of pain reliever. It was impossible to see with her head pounding like it was. She squinted at the Advil and picked it up, careful not to rattle the bottle. She swallowed three pills dry.

_Ugh. _She didn't like the taste of it and one of the pills caught in her throat.

Alex came up behind her. "What are you doing?"

Addison jumped. "You scared the shit out of me, Alex! Don't ever do that again!" It was so irritating when people snuck up from behind her. She hated feeling this scared; she almost broke out into a cold sweat.

"Okay. Sorry, babe." He stepped behind her and massaged her shoulders to win back her trust. "What are you doing?"

Addison glared at him. "Just getting some Advil. I didn't realize that I needed your permission."

Alex resisted the urge to punch the mirror. Sometimes, her sarcastic comments really stung. "I just asked what you were doing. How many did you take?"

"I'm only taking two!" Addison slammed the pills down on the counter, washing them down with some water. Alex took the medicine bottle from her hands, putting it back in the closet. "Do you remember what happened last night?"

She looked down at the ground shamefully and leaned again the counter. Clearly, he was waiting for her to speak, so she nodded and pushed past him back in to bed. "I don't want to talk about it." She knew that he would make her explain her feelings. Or, he would want her to rationalize the nightmares, something she didn't know how to do. She hated being at a loss of words around Alex. She was supposed to be his teacher. He didn't say it, but she knew that he expected her to have all the answers.

"Brush your teeth." He threw her toothbrush, already wet, onto the bed and then the toothpaste. He shoved his own toothbrush into his mouth, brushing furiously.

She sulked, not wanting to do anything that he asked her to because of condescending way he was treating her. She was failing as his teacher.

And he was letting her. "I don't want to."

He took the toothbrush out of his own mouth and smiled, exposing the white toothpaste/saliva mixture in his mouth. He struggled for words, "Don'-cha wanna 'ave good breasth to kisss me withs?"

He looked so cute that she just had to laugh. Suddenly, she felt better about everything. It was amazing how quickly Alex could lift her spirits. She began happily brushing her teeth. He left for the bathroom and she followed him. The both spit out at the same time, and Addison giggled. After rinsing, Alex put his face close to hers, waiting for her to kiss him. She moved very slowly, taunting him, and let her lips brush against his for just a second, before pulling away. He hung his head low in disappointment, so she pressed her lips more fully against his. She really missed kissing him. Well, happily kissing him. Lately, Alex had been kissing her out of pity, to comfort her. This was great, but she wanted him to kiss her out of love. She hadn't felt that in so long.

This time, he pulled away, not wanting to force her into anything that she didn't want to do. Obviously, the attack had scarred her in this way, as it would to anyone. _Will she ever be the same? Will she ever sleep through an entire night again? Will they ever be able to make love like they used to? She might never get past it, _Alex didn't know. Maybe the thought of sex would repulse her, remind her of this tragic thing that had happened to her. He needed to know if he could help her overcome it.

He put his hand on her knee, trying to make some sort of connection to her. Still, he felt so distant. There was something separating them. He's learned, from past experiences, that the best thing for relationships is communication, almost brutal honesty. He wanted her to know that she didn't have to hide anything from him." Just tell me one thing."

Her mouth dropped open in fright. She didn't want to talk about this. _Why won't he understand? _She scowled, instinctively building an angry, bitter wall of defense. "What?"

"I just want us to be honest with each other..." He could tell that she was already nervous. _Why is she so afraid of me? _"Last night, I was trying my hardest to be there for you, and you just wanted Derek."

"But-" Addison tried to stop him. _I don't want to do this!_ It was just too painful and uncomfortable.

"No." She needed to listen to him or else they weren't going to get anywhere. "Tell me how I can help you." He gazed into her eyes. "Why can't it be me who makes you feel better? I want to help you, but I can't if you won't let me."

Her eyes narrowed at him. "How can you think that?! I've told you over and over how much I love you."

His hand covered hers on the mattress. "Just because you love me doesn't mean that you're ready for this."

"What is wrong with you?!" she screamed. "What, do you think that I'm still infatuated with Derek?" she mocked.

Alex ran a hand through his hair. "I don't know..."

Immediately, he realized he gave her the wrong impression. She growled and stormed off into the closet, tears threatening to fall from her eyes. The door slid shut without a lock, but he didn't attempt to open it. He knew she needed some privacy. She was saying things, but through the mirror, he could only pick up a few important words.

Addison slid to the floor. How could he think that? She'd made it clear to Alex how miserable their marriage had been. All of this was so much in the past. Other issues had taken over her life. She didn't have time to dwell on these sorts of memories. She was just friends with Derek and Mark; she loved Alex. Yet, it seemed that he didn't know that.

Alex tapped on the door. " Addison, I didn't mean to upset you."

"How could you think of me like that? Do you think that I would date you if I had feelings for anyone else?" Maybe this was her reputation as an adulteress whore coming back to bite her in the ass. "Do you think that I am some sort of tramp? I thought you didn't listen to that stupid hospital gossip chain."

"I don't." He leaned against the closet door.

Addison ran her hands through her hair, pulling at the ends in frustration. "Then why would you suggest anything like that?" She was in tears now, her voice cracking at the end of every sentence.

Alex put his hand against the mirror, trying to get as close to her as possible. "Remember? You suggested it."

"But you didn't say anything."

"I was just thinking." She knew this was the truth. He continued, "I just don't know what to think anymore. I mean, even when I tried to touch you, you slapped my hand away."

Addison moaned in annoyance. "That was my subconscious! I was practically asleep!"

Alex tugged on the door. It wouldn't budge. " Addison! Get away from the door."

"I am away from it!" She protested. She was sitting in the back of the closet, with her head against a few of her dresses. Some of her tears had stained the fabric. She cursed herself for being such an emotional wreck.

"The door won't open!" he exclaimed.

"What?!" She jumped up from her spot on the floor. Clawing at the door, she screamed, "Alex! Get me out! Open the door! Please!"

" Addison, calm down. You're going to be fine. It's just a little stuck." He fiddled with the door. It seemed that the handle-less, sliding door had come out of its ridge. The mirror was offering little friction and it was very difficult to pull it off. "Hey, I need your help. Can you lift the door a little bit?"

She wiped her nose. "Yeah." Addison pushed up on the mirror as Alex pulled on it and it slid out of the groove entirely. Alex jumped out of the way as it crashed to the floor. Glass flew everywhere, creating little light reflections and rainbows all over the room. Addison leaped back into Alex's arms and he caught her, but he had to step back to support her weight.

He cried out it pain. "Owwww!"

Addison instantly let go. "Oh, Alex. I'm so sorry. Come here." She sat him down in her chair by the counter. "Let me look at it."

Alex winced, still suffering from the shock of the pain. "Is it deep?"

Addison lifted his foot. "No. I'm going to have to take out the glass though and bandage it."

"Hgmmm." Alex groaned. His foot stung and the pain radiated through his leg. "No stitches?"

Addison smiled. "I don't think so." She stepped around the glass to get to the cabinet with the bandages.

"Be careful." He warned her. The last thing she needed was another scar on her body.

She hopped around the glass. "Okay. I got it." Suddenly, she fell forward on to him and all he wanted to do was hold her there, next to him. After a few long seconds, she picked herself up. "Sorry," she murmured sheepishly. "I guess I'm a little clumsy today."

She picked out the glass with tweezers. He tried his best to look manly and masculine. "That's okay. We all have clumsy days."

She shrugged. "Most clumsy days don't end in seven years of bad luck." She spread the anti-infection cream on the cut and began to wrap up his foot.

"I think that you've already had enough bad luck to last a lifetime. It's about time the universe cuts you a break." He set his foot down on the floor. She sighed and kissed his foot and then his still bandaged knee. "Does it feel better now?"

"Much," he assured her.

Addison admired her work and fingered the tape on his knee in thought.

"What?" Alex inquired. She had a curious expression on her face.

She shook the face out of her hair. "I think I want to go back to work."

* * *

_I'll never be your beast of burden  
My back is broad but it's a hurting  
All I want is for you to make love to me  
I'll never be your beast of burden  
I've walked for miles my feet are hurting  
All I want is for you to make love to me_

Meredith stirred in bed. Derek had just gotten back to bed. They were both pretending to be asleep.

Derek was struggling, with everything that had happened with Addison. And therefore, Meredith was struggling. She connected to him and his feelings in the most intimate ways. She just wished that he could connect to her like that. But it seemed like guilt clogged his head at nearly every moment of the day. She sighed heavily, indicating her frustration. She was counting on the fact that he could hear her.

She waited for a minute and then sighed again, this time louder and she nudged him. Still, he remained silent.

"Derek!" she whispered fiercely.

"What?" his voice was hoarse.

Her hand found his under the covers. "We should talk. About stuff that's been going on."

"Mmmm." He rubbed his eyes. "Sure. Go ahead."

She was getting the feeling that he didn't really want to be a part of this conversation. Did he really want a relationship with her right now? Was it healthy for his emotional health? "Well, I just wanted to talk about what you've been doing lately."

"Okay." He wasn't even looking at her, just staring at the ceiling.

"You've been spending a lot of time with Addison. I understand that she needs you, but, Derek, this is ridiculous. She's driving you to the point of insanity with this guilt trip."

"What?" All of a sudden, Derek sat up in bed. "She's not **driving **me to anything. You have no idea what I've done. I mean, you would probably want to stop dating me if you knew..."

Meredith rolled her eyes, even though Derek couldn't really see her. "I know, I know, Derek. I've heard it a thousand times. You were distant, you were inattentive. But you deserve forgiveness too. I'm not blaming anyone. I just want you to put our relationship first."

"Doesn't that seem a little cruel and self-centered?" Derek spat out. This was not a good day for him and it only seemed to drag on.

"What? That I want to spend a little time with my **boyfriend**??!" She screeched. Meredith's voice could get extremely high-pitched if she willed it too. It was only adding to the pressure inside Derek's head. "Is it such a crime to ask you to be home a little earlier? I mean, you feel so guilty about ignoring your wife, then why are you treating me the same way?"

"It is NOT the same way, MEREDITH," Derek growled.

"I just want you home at a decent time! I want you to pay more attention to me!" Meredith realized how incredibly self-involved that she sounded, but her conscious told her that Derek needed to hear this.

"I LOVE you. I just have to be around Addison more, just for right now. Just because of the rape, and other issues that I don't feel comfortable discussing with you...and I think Addison and Alex are having problems."

"What other issues? Addison and Alex are having problems?" All of this new information was almost too much for her. Meredith became obsessively curious. "Come on, Derek. You can tell me anything." Now Meredith was fully sitting up attentively.

Derek hit his head jokingly with the pillow. "I never should have said anything. You can't tell anyone."

"Well, I don't know anything! Just tell me what is going on. Open up to me." This wasn't exactly what Meredith had in mind for this particular conversation, but it was quickly evolving into an interesting discussion of other sorts.

"Meredith, I can't. It's Addison's privacy. You know I would if I could."

"I don't know that! Not anymore at least..." Meredith gave her tell-tale signs that she was about to go into a long rant. "I can't believe you are doing this to me. After everything that I have done for you. Obviously the words 'commitment' and 'relationship' mean nothing to you because..."

"How can you say that? You are the most commitment phobic person in the whole state of Washington, possibly the whole United States. I know and I understand your issues. I'm just asking you to do the same!" Derek's argument was compelling, but Meredith refused to let on.

"You didn't come home! And you always come home! I never see you anymore! You know, long before you started all this crap, Addison and I had a long talk about you. She always talked about these things happening and I truly believed that you would never pull any of that stuff with me. And now I'm SITTING here and I can't believe how ignorant I was! I'm actually pissed off. So, just to make everything clear, that history is NOT going to REPEAT itself. At least not with me."

Derek clenched the sheets in his hand. "So what are you saying?"

They had completely switched roles in the relationship. Meredith was confident and controlling. Derek was hesitant and defensive. Somewhere along the line, they moved to the opposite side without telling each other. Meredith swallowed and proceeded to do something that only the old-Derek would do.

"I think we should take a break from our relationship."

Derek frowned. He was not expecting this. "Take a break? That's just an easy way of saying you want to break up."

"No! I don't want to break up!" Meredith made her feelings very clear. "Just a break. Take some time to yourself. Think things through. You can spend as much time with Addison as you want. Just know that I'm going to try to move on too."

"Meredith that is the exact same thing as breaking up." Derek couldn't see why Meredith kept contradicting herself.

"Fine, Derek. Call it whatever you want. Just get away. If this doesn't work out, we'll know that we're meant to be."

Derek laughed mockingly. "You know what? Usually, when you say stuff like that, it makes me sick. Now, it's good to know I won't have to hear it anymore. I won't have to deal with your daddy issues or your unending pessimism. Finally, I'm free."

"Derek, don't forget who even suggested this break. It's me who wants out. And if you ever say anything like that to me again, we will be over for good."

Derek pulled on his jeans and t-shirt. "Good. Just remember that one of these days, I'm not going to come back. I won't be here to save you when you go through one of your little phases. And you know? This just might be that time."

Meredith threw a pillow at his head, not wanting to really hurt him, but to take some of her anger out. "FINE. LEAVE. Go now!!! Get out of my house!!" She screamed at him.

Derek left quietly and she sunk back down into her bed.

This was a very long day, indeed.

* * *

A/N: I'm so tired. I'm going to sleep right now because my author's note last time was enough to last a good 3 more author's notes. And in case you were wondering, the singer/band from the last chapter is Chris Shaffer/the Why Store.

Sorry this update took so long. School is difficult and very very stressful. I miss winter break.

And also, I didn't do the Maddison flashback. Maybe some other time. Hehe. I like the next chapter.

And I know this is so over-said,

And I know this is so over-said, but reviews are completely motivating. And that will be my last time to say that for this story. Which is 25 chapters (in case I didn't mention that before).


	16. Hide Away

**Disclaimer: See Chapter 1 **

**Can't Fight the Moonlight **

Chapter 16: Hide Away 

_Previously on __Can't Fight the Moonlight_

_"I just want us to be honest with each other..." He could tell that she was already nervous. Why is she so afraid of me? "Last night, I was trying my hardest to be there for you, and you just wanted Derek." _

_"But-" Addison tried to stop him. I don't want to do this! It was just too painful and uncomfortable. _

_"No." She needed to listen to him or else they weren't going to get anywhere. "Tell me how I can help you." He gazed into her eyes. "Why can't it be me who makes you feel better? I want to help you, but I can't if you won't let me." _

XxXxXxXxXxX

_Addison admired her work and fingered the tape on his knee in thought. _

_"What?" Alex inquired. She had a curious expression on her face. _

_She shook the face out of her hair. "I think I want to go back to work."

* * *

_

_Where do we go,  
How do we know,  
What we're really after?  
Sometimes it's clear,  
When you are here  
Nothing can shatter our world.  
I need some faith now,  
to trust you somehow._

"I'm ready to go back." Addison sat comfortably in Abby's office. "Really," she persuaded convincingly.

Abby stared straight at her, attempting to read her facial expression. It was evident that Addison could hide her true feelings well, a skill that allowed her to go twenty years without treatment. "A couple days ago you couldn't even get out of bed. And now you want to perform surgery? I just don't think it's a good idea, but it's up to you."

"I know it seems like I'm moving fast," Addison explained, "but this job is a big part of my life and it always has been. If I have to be away from it any longer, I'm going to start suffering from withdrawal." She added in that last part for dramatic effect and it seemed to work.

Abby set her notebook down. "I understand you're feeling better. But the fact of the matter is you can relapse back into depression just as quickly as you're recovering. Anything can set it off. Especially in situations of high emotional pressure or stress, for example, performing emergency surgery on a tiny infant."

"I've been doing this for almost two-thirds of my life. I'm excellent at closing myself off from what might be emotional situations to others." Addison was proud of herself for this very fact. It had been a hard lesson to learn.

"Maybe that's the problem." Addison was opening up and Abby could predict a great deal of progress being made soon. "You can't close yourself off to everyone. You'll end up moving through the motions of life without actually living it."

Addison leaned against the armrest of the chair. Abby didn't understand the requirements of her job. "I can't. It's impossible to save or kill someone nearly everyday and experience every emotion that tags along with it."

"I'm not talking about your work. Obviously, you can't change the demands of your occupation. But you can talk about other things. There are too many important values in life to just block them all out and throw them away."

Addison couldn't tell what Abby was getting at. It seemed like she wanted her to realize something. "Like what?"

"Your colleagues, your friends and family. Don't they give you something to look forward to everyday? What about Alex?"

Addison noticed how skilled Abby was at manipulating conversation. They went from talking about her work to complicated questions about philosophy and her love life. "What do you want to know?"

Addison was being difficult and avoiding uncomfortable subject material. Abby knew that they had to move past these moments in order to be successful with their sessions. "Do you open up to him? Do you tell him things that you wouldn't necessarily tell any other people?"

"Yes..." This wasn't what she wanted to talk about. She couldn't talk about Alex like this. She loved him and she didn't want to talk to Abby about this. "I tell him things."

"Do you tell him what you're thinking? Truthfully?" Addison needed to have the luxury of feeling comfortable with being herself at home.

Addison reached up into her hair and twisted the red curls between her fingers nervously. "I can't."

"Don't say that," Abby encouraged. "Don't tell yourself that you can't. You CAN do anything. Why do you feel like this? Is it him?"

"No." Addison asserted. She rested her hands on her knees and began to pull at the fabric of her pants. She looked everywhere except Abby's eyes. "It's definitely not him. He's just...perfect. And I'm such a burden. I don't want to give him anymore trouble." Her voice sunk into the lower register. "I don't want him to leave me."

"Now, do you really think that? Do you think Alex would actually leave you? Now, of all times?" Abby didn't know Alex very well, but the few times she spoke with him, it was clear that he was an extremely honest man, wearing his feelings on his sleeve.

Addison laughed a little. "I guess that's a little ridiculous. On a realistic level, I don't actually think he would leave, but I guess I've always been kind of a paranoid person, you know, ever since the divorce."

"But Alex isn't your ex-husband." Abby was so passionately involved in this conversation that she dropped her notepad, which had been long useless in her hand. "From what you've said about him, he's completely trustworthy."

"I know..." Addison trailed off again. "He is! And I do love him."

Addison was convincing herself, just what Abby wanted to happen. "Yes! And I have a very strong feeling that if you opened up to him, he wouldn't see it as a burden. He would be so glad that you trusted him and you could have this nice, secure place where you just know that everything's going to be okay."

Abby's outburst was a little unprofessional, so she smoothed down her pantsuit and folded her hands. "What do you think?"

"I will try really hard, but I can't make any promises." As Abby trusted Addison, Addison felt more comfortable in her presence. Addison leaned back and smiled.

"Good, that is all I can ask." Abby picked up her notepad again and jotted something down about Addison's goals. She put her favorite reading glasses back on the bridge of her nose and pushed the dark locks from her face, "Are you still having nightmares?"

Addison gritted her teeth together. The nightmares were another sore subject. "Yes. But I didn't have one last night. That's good, right?" She asked hopefully. She had a feeling that last night was just the result of the lack of sleep that she's been suffering from lately. She was so tired that she just shut down and her mind didn't even have enough energy to dream.

"Maybe. We'll see. They should be subsiding soon. It'll help if you let someone comfort you. Don't close yourself off." Abby could tell that Addison was uneasy. She peered at her over the tops of her reading glasses. "Did something happen?"

"Well, Alex and I kind of had a fight. Alex said that I pushed him away during one of my nightmares. He called Derek and all I can remember is hearing Derek's voice and then seeing Alex and feeling a rush of relief." Addison stared at the floor in embarrassment. She knew that she had hurt Alex's feelings. "I feel bad, but it's not like I can control what I'm doing in my sleep."

"How long were you asleep before this happened?" Abby put her pen and paper down and took off her glasses.

Addison wrinkled her nose in concentration. "I have no idea. Why?"

"It sounds like you are experiencing night terrors."

"Oh. Can I, um, do anything to make them stop?" They were really causing a strain on her relationship with Alex.

Abby took a deep breath. "Actually, I've already given Alex some material on them. He knows what to do. He has everything he needs to help you. You just have to let him."

"But I don't know how!" Addison protested. She pushed her hand against her throbbing head. "I want to, so badly, but how can I ever fully trust a man again?"

Abby cursed the guy who attacked her once more. She couldn't understand why a couple of guys had to ruin it for the male sex as a whole. What she could understand was why Addison remained this closed off. She was very well reasoned in her lack of confidence. "I wish I could give you a clear cut answer, but, the truth is that I can't do that. You have to figure out the answer to this one on your own. Just try to see each person as an individual with a clean slate. Has Alex ever done anything to give you a reason to doubt him?"

"No." Addison was starting to see Abby's perspective, but it was going to take a lot more to restore her faith in the opposite sex. She feared she would never be able so see men the same. Just the thought brought tears to her eyes. "Oh my God. I just can't believe this happened to me." She rested her head in her hands.

Abby reached across and touched Addison reassuringly. "I know. It's going to take some time, but it'll get better. Just stay optimistic. You're a strong woman and I know you can get through this."

Addison wiped the tears from her eyes, a gesture that was too quickly becoming a reflex. "Okay. Thanks."

"And if this doesn't work, I can always prescribe you some medication, to help with the night terrors." Abby preferred to use medication as her last resort, only to eliminate the risk of dependence.

Addison reached for her purse. "Well, I'd better go or else we're going to run late again. I don't want your other patients to think I'm taking up too much of your time."

Abby stood up. "Yeah, I've learned that when dealing with people who have psychological problems, it's best to stick to a strict schedule."

Addison smiled and nodded. "That makes sense. So, I guess I'll see you in a couple of days."

"Just remember what we talked about and you should be fine. Give me a call if you need to."

Addison shrugged. "I think I'll be fine."

The two women said their goodbyes and Addison headed out the door. She smiled on her way to Richard's office. She was excited about going back to work.

* * *

_Maybe I'm losing it?  
Maybe I'm okay?  
We turn around,  
Look around,  
Go around in circles._

Addison walked confidently out of the locker room. She had her white coat on and her stethoscope. Her name tag said "Addison Montgomery, Head of Neonatology." She felt important and needed.

She brushed her hair back and made her way to the OR board, coffee in hand. Alex came up behind her. "Are you thinking about performing surgery?" He leaned back on the wall beside the board, facing her.

"No. I was just observing the other...um..." Addison trailed off.

"Liar." Alex spat, jokingly. He laughed. "You were totally giving the board in an 'I want you. I need you.' kind of stare. You know, the kind that you used to give me."

"Hey!" She playfully hit him. "I was NOT! And I still look at you that way." She gave him her best sultry stare, but, as she wasn't really into it, it came off confused and angry.

"Now, you just look ridiculous." Alex turned and stood beside her, glancing over the board. Derek, Burke, and Mark were ALL in surgery right now. Alex felt a little left out, as he wasn't asked to scrub in on any of them. But his thoughts turned to Addison and he realized that she was the only surgical attending not performing surgery at this very moment. "I'm sure you'll be back in the OR in now time," he reassured.

"Yeah," Addison agreed. She knew she wasn't ready yet, though, to go back to the world of maximum intensity and competition.

Addison's sudden silence worried Alex. "You know, everyone misses you here. We're really glad that you're back."

Addison smiled. When she had first strutted into Seattle Grace, wearing all black, she would have never imagined people actually missing her here. "I can't believe I'm saying this, but I missed the hospital too. All of the interesting people, the rush of adrenaline that I get when entering an OR, the confidence that comes from performing a successful surgery. Even doing rounds on the department, it's weird, but I miss the sound of a nervous intern rattling off a patient's history, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment. In that order."

For a split second, Alex let down his guard and got lost in Addison's inspiring passion. He let his mouth hang open while intently listen to her speak. She reminded him of why he loved being a doctor. This only lasted for a moment, as Alex came back to his normal self before she could notice him. "Yeah, I understand." He responded with failing intensity. "I can't imagine going this long without surgery. It's our lives."

Alex shrugged, as this was just an acceptance that came to him somewhere in the middle of medical school, but something about his statement bothered Addison. It seemed like all of a sudden, there was so much more to life than a job. Granted, being a doctor came with a certain level of commitment, but she felt that life existed beyond the walls of the hospital. She remembered when her thoughts were very similar to Alex's, with one, superficial goal. She had learned her lesson the hard way. Just now, when it seemed to be too late, did she recognize the importance of friends. Hobbies. Family. She only hoped that Alex would realize what he truly wanted before he lost the chance to have it. But this was a conversation not to be had in the confines of the hospital. Or especially at such an emotional time as this. So, Addison nodded politely.

An awkward silence passed, as neither knew what to say at that exact moment.

As he started to leave, Alex thought this was a moment to hug or kiss or touch in someway, but she didn't seem like she felt it. He gave her shoulder a friendly squeeze. "Now that we have _that _all cleared up, I'm going to finish up some charts."

She smiled at him warmly, putting on a cheerful facade. "I'll see you tonight. Meet you in the locker room."

"Sounds great." He started off for the nurses' station, but then he turned around quickly. "Hey! No operating." He scolded her, kiddingly.

She gave him her best evil-eye as he turned back around. She wanted to operate, but she knew that it would be a bad decision. It was paperwork for her. But maybe she could just take one glance at her department before heading to her office. She took off for the NICU.

Addison was walking at a brisk pace when she slammed into Derek. "Whoa." They both caught their balance and he glanced nervously at her. "Sorry."

She smiled. "It's okay. How are you?"

He looked down at his feet and she noticed the hollowness in his eyes for the first time. "I'm sorry...I can't. I have to go."

"What's wrong, Derek?" She asked. She looked so worried that he couldn't even make eye contact." Nothing. I just have to go. Bye."

He moved in the opposite direction and she stared at his back, hurt. He hadn't ignored her like this for a long time. She bit her lip and glanced around. Everyone who had been staring at them quickly went back to what they were doing. She felt a small bit of deja-vu from their marriage, when they had openly yelled at each other in the halls.

Luckily, Callie rescued her from the embarrassment in a tight hug. "Hey!! How are ya? I'm so sorry I haven't visited much."

Addison nodded, recovering from the shock. She shook it off. "Yeah. I missed you!" She laughed and smiled. "I'm doing okay."

Callie's face brightened. "Well, you look fantastic. You know, when you're feeling better, we should all go to dinner. You and Alex. Me and George. It would be really fun."

"Okay." That whole situation sounded a little awkward to Addison, but she really wanted to have more fun. She had always gotten the vibe that Alex and George didn't really get along. "Do you know what happened to Derek? I just saw him and he was acting really weird."

"Oh, you didn't hear?" Callie's face fell. "Meredith broke up with him last night. He's devastated."

"Why did she break up with him?!" Addison was bewildered. She couldn't believe this. After the divorce, she had figured that Meredith and Derek would date for a while and eventually get married. She didn't know Derek when he wasn't with her or Meredith.

"I guess Meredith wanted to be more independent," Callie half-lied. She knew that Meredith had been upset about the amount of time Derek had devoted to Addison recently. But she felt it wouldn't be the best idea to tell Addison this on her first day back to work.

Addison sighed and thought for a minute. She knew there was something that Callie wasn't telling her and she had a feeling that this was out of pity. She paused, "Thanks for telling me, Cal."

"It's nothing..." Callie saw the wheels turning in Addison's head, formulating a plan, and she grew worried. Addison was not supposed to be stressed or puzzled at this point in her recovery. "Hey, don't worry about it. Actually..." Callie hesitated, trying to find something to take this off Addison's mind, "I was just planning this- uh- thing for tomorrow. Event. All of the girls. Together. Do you want to come?"

Addison shrugged. "Who's going to be there?"

"Ummm..." Callie thought. This was the stupidest thing that she'd ever done. Why couldn't she have suggested a movie, or a home-cooked meal? But no, Callie just _had_ to mention something that involved all of her least favorite people in the same room. She cursed the fact that all of her quick decision-making skills were confined within the walls of an O.R. "Meredith will be there. And Cristina…maybe Bailey. And," Callie gritted her teeth, "_Izzie._ And you too, if you come." She supposed that this was really the best thing for Addison.

"Well, that's just about everyone. I suppose it would give off the wrong impression if I wasn't there." Addison shifted her weight. She didn't really want to go to this.

"You don't have to-" Callie prayed that this reverse psychology would work. "I just thought that we could all talk, and, you know, vent. Or whatever."

"I just want everyone else to think that I'm recovering well. And, it might be good for me to be with women for a while." Addison was talking herself into this, just as Callie planned.

"Great! I'll count on you being there!" Callie tried to escape, but Addison grabbed her arm. "Wait!"

Callie swallowed. "What?" she asked nervously.

Addison smiled. "You forgot to tell me where it is and what time we're meeting."

"Oh." Callie seemed relieved. Until she had to think of something. _Not Joe's._ That would be a bad idea, to expose the frustrated, vulnerable women to alcohol and men. _Not Meredith's. _Too many men there. "I'll rent the penthouse for a night. At the Archfield. Be there at eight."

"Okay. Do you want me to help pay for the room?" Addison knew that money wasn't really a problem with Callie, but she offered anyway to be polite.

Equally as polite, Callie replied, "Don't worry about it. We'll work it out later. Maybe we can flaunt our riches in front of the starving interns."

Addison laughed. "Yeah. That sounds fun. I'll see you there."

"Ok, bye."

Addison left and Callie slouched down in a nearby chair. _Somehow, _she had to get Meredith, Cristina, Izzie, AND Bailey all together in a hotel by eight o'clock tomorrow. It was highly likely that most of them were on-call. And it was even more likely that no one would want to come. Callie wasn't too popular at the hospital, especially with the interns.

She was going to have to do some major groveling.

* * *

_Why are we keeping our secrets?  
Why are we hiding our selves away?  
Any we can hide away.  
I don't want to fake it.  
I want to make you believe what I say.  
I won't let you hide away._

Addison stood in the doorway of her bedroom, leaning against the frame. She had never been so nervous about something so simple. She almost didn't want to fall asleep. She felt terrible because of what had happened with Alex and she didn't want to repeat hurting him ever. They were just starting to get back to their old routine. She walked tentatively toward the bed, pulling back the sheets ever so slowly. Then she stood at the side of the bed, her eyes resting on the incredible purity of the white sheets.

Alex casually walked in. He yawned and then noticed Addison's strange gaze. He went over and tapped her on her shoulder. "Hey."

She did a double take, not really believing her eyes at first glance. Then, she relaxed. "Hey."

When she made no move to get into the bed, he asked, "Are you ready to go to sleep?"

"I'm not really tired," she lied as she cautiously climbed into bed. "Do you mind if I read a little before bed?"

"Of course not." Alex made his way to the opposite side of the bed. "Or we could talk."

Addison twisted the sheets between her fingers nervously. _What does he want to talk about? This sounds like a bad idea. _

Alex read her body language and backed away a little, giving her some space. He didn't know why she was acting like this. They'd had many conversations over the course of their relationship. But, lately, it seemed that her confidence levels had decreased dramatically. It bothered him, as he made sure that she knew she could trust him. In effort to make her more comfortable, he leaned back and started off with a light subject. "I forgot to tell you- Mark isn't going to be here tonight. He's at Izzie's."

"Yeah, I figured because he's not here." She laughed a little. "I guess it's just us tonight."

Alex grinned. "Finally, some alone time." He rested his head on her shoulder. His excitement and proximity gave her the wrong signals and she withdrew, but at the same time letting her hand run up his forehead and through his hair.

"Alex, I'm sorry. I just can't- I mean, I'm not quite-"

"I _know._" He stressed again. "It's going to be hard for us to have sex again."

She blushed and looked away. _It's going to be hard for ME to have sex again. He's probably getting impatient._

His fingers grazed her cheek as he read her mind. "I can wait."

She turned back toward him, sighing. "But..." she started for him.

He smiled at her. "But...it's going to be hard no matter when we do it. You can trust me. I'm never going to hurt you ever, especially in _that_ way. Because I love you."

Addison smiled back, genuinely. She let her body sink into the cushion of the bed and her pillow and wrapped her arms somewhere around his torso. She mumbled an "I love you" into his jaw. At that moment, she felt so comfortable and safe that she fell asleep.

Of course, Alex knew that it wouldn't last long. He found the remote that seemed to control everything in the room buried underneath the sheets. He must have pressed fifteen different buttons before the lights went off, his original goal. Not too long after, he fell asleep.

He woke up when he felt her start to move on the sheets, and prayed that she was just subconsciously changing positions. But then he felt the wetness on her cheeks, and her body shook against his. Suddenly, a wave of deja-vu washed over him, and he clutched the sheets in panic. _I can't call Shepherd. I __**won't **__call Shepherd. But Mark isn't home. There's no one here. It's just us. I'm actually going to do this. I have to help her myself. _He had to take a few deep breaths and calm himself, before he turned his attention to Addison.

He brushed her hair back from her eyes and noticed how damp it felt from the sweat. He found her eyes in the dark. "Addie?" He pressed his cool hands to her warm cheeks. "Shhhh..." he whispered into her ear. "Just breathe. _Breathe_." He pulled her close so that she could feel his chest and breathe with him. "Breathe." But all she could do was choke out sobs.

All of a sudden her eyes snapped open and it scared him. "Addison?" She grabbed him by the shoulders and dug her fingers into his muscles. Obviously, he wasn't making anything better for her. "ADDISON!" He shouted, trying to penetrate into her subconscious. It only seemed to make her more frustrated.

He rested his head on her shoulder. He really shouldn't have shouted at her, but it was getting so hard to connect with her and he just wanted to help her so badly. She made a sound, and he pulled back a little so he could hear her. She seemed to be whimpering "Please, please, please..." over and over.

Maybe it would be best to wait it out. After all, Alex reasoned, she couldn't do this forever. He slid his hand from her hip, under her shirt and over to her back. _She's really warm_, he thought. Alex really didn't want her to get overheated. She was wearing long sleeved silk pajamas to bed, and as far as he knew, nothing underneath. He pushed her away and fingered the collar of her top. "Addie, I'm just going to pull this down a bit, so you can cool off, okay?"

He began to nudge the fabric away, but when she felt it move, she slapped his hand away and scooted away from him. She almost fell off the bed, but he grabbed her and pulled her back to the center, careful to remain at least a foot away. He sighed. Alex really did not know what to do. He tried to think back through all the years of his medical training for anything that might have prepared him for something like this, but he came up with nothing.

Somehow, his thoughts turned to the previous night, when Derek had comforted her. Alex tried to recall what Derek had said. He remembered being really worried, and then Derek said that he had just talked to her about normal stuff. _Normal stuff? _Alex didn't remember exactly what that had entailed, until he thought of something that Addison had said earlier that day. She told him that she missed the hospital, the OR, surgery. _The sound of a nervous intern rattling off a patient's history, symptoms, diagnosis, and treatment, in that order,_ she had stated.

Alex took a deep breath. He would feel rather silly doing this. But it was worth a try, if it would get her to stop whatever she was doing now. "Achondroplasia. A non-lethal form of chondrodysplasia. Transmitted as an autosomal dominant trait with complete penetrance. De novo mutations cause seventy-five to eighty percent of cases."

Alex paused. She had stopped whispering and whimpering, but she was still shaking so he continued. "I would recommend leg lengthening procedures using distraction osteogenesis. Some have been performed successfully. Better outcomes are reported with the use of the Orthofix Garches lengthening device along with tenotomy of the Achilles tendon and syndesmosis, which provide the fewest complications with healing indices."

"Alex." she cried and wrapped her arms around her. He let out a breath of relief. "Adds. Are you okay?"

"No." She pressed her face against his so she could feel the tiniest bit of stubble pricking her smooth skin. "I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to keep having these dreams."

"You're fine," he reassured, "I'm right here. And things will get better."

"I'm going to really try. I don't want this to hold us back. I'm really sorry."

"It's not your fault." His hands rubbed her back, but she sat up instantly.

"No, it is. I let it keep haunting me because it's the easiest thing to do. I've never taken the easy route before. It makes me feel so..." she gestured her hands wildly to make a point when she couldn't find the words.

"It's okay. Just go back to sleep. Now that you're going back to work, it will be easier to find the routine of the day. Everything will be normal again." He tried to pull her back down, without any luck.

_Just LISTEN to me, _she wanted to blurt out. Instead, she slammed her hand down on the bed with a _smack!_ and instantly regretted it. "Sorry," she muttered. _That was selfish. _"I just wanted to talk about it."

He leaned up on one elbow. "Talk about what?"

"My dream." She moved so she could sit with her legs crossed. She was directly in front of him, but the lights were off.

"Okay." he sighed. "What was it about?"

"Ummm..." Addison blew some of her hair out of the way. "_**HE**_... and when I say HE, you know what I mean, right?"

"Yes." Alex nodded.

"Okay." It was difficult to remember exactly what it was about. "Well, HE was there. And he was trying to hurt me again. Except he had a knife this time. And he tried to stab me with it, but it didn't work, because I was too strong. And when he brought it across my skin, I couldn't feel anything- because I was in a dream, of course- but it seemed like I was numb to anything that he could do to me. And then I grabbed the knife from him, and-" she checked Alex's face, partly because she wanted to make sure that he was still listening, and partly to make sure he didn't think that she was insane. But he was looking at her, bright-eyed and honest, so she kept going. "-I grabbed the knife and cut myself. Again and again. And I said, 'Look, you can't hurt me-'"

Her eyes welled up in tears and she looked down at her own scarred skin. "I told him that he could hurt me because I was already hurting myself." She bit down on her lip in anxiety. She had never confessed something like this so openly to Alex.

"Addie." The tone of his voice caused her to feel even more apprehensive. But he just reached up and pulled down on her. "Come here." She felt nervous and resisted a little, and they fell to the side, so neither of them lay completely on top of the other. It was dark, so they could only see shadows. Alex rubbed the back of his fingers across her cheek and temple in a soothing manner.

Addison desperately tried to think of something to say. She stuttered and choked a few times before she found her voice. "I don't want to recover from this by hurting myself."

Alex sucked in a large amount of air. He was so glad to hear her say those words, but he really wanted her to mean them.

"I won't let it do this to me. I won't let HIM ruin everything for us. Because I know that it really bothers you when I-" It's one of those moments when her breath is taken away from her and all she can do is hum for a second. "-when I cut." She grinds her teeth together in pain. She hates saying it, but it's getting easier. Most of the pain and embarrassment is still there, but it's lessened.

She can't see him, but he is staring at her incredulously. "It doesn't _just_ bother me, Addison." He can't believe that she hasn't realized this before. "It TEARS me apart." He enforces his statement with strength rather than dominance. "It hurts me to know that you're hurting. And I know it's not your fault for doing it. I know that. I'm not blaming you. But I need you to stop. I NEED you to do that. Okay?"

Addison nods. "Okay. I'll try. Because I hate it when you hurt too."

He squeezes her hand in overwhelming alleviation and squints at the clock. "Damn it. It's one o'clock. We gotta get some sleep before going to work tomorrow." He leaned forward to grab their pillows and brought them over to where they would be needed now. "Are you okay with sleeping sideways?" Cause I'm pretty comfortable."

"Mmm. Me too." She snuggled back into his side. "And you missed the cardinal features before."

"What?" He stared down at her in confusion.

She looked up at him and blinked. "Achondroplasia. The cardinal features include short stature, rhizomelic shortening of the arms and legs, a disproportionately long trunk, trident hands, midfacial hypoplasia, prominent forehead, thoracolumbar gibbus, true megalencephaly, and caudal narrowing of the interpedicular spaces. In the edition of the textbook that you were reciting from, the cardinal features should have come right after you say that De novo mutations cause seventy-five to eighty percent of cases."

Alex chuckled as he adjusted her pillow. "Only Addison Montgomery." And she was back to her confident, scary-smart, self.

* * *

A/N: I KNOW. It's been forever since I updated. And I do say this every time. But I hope that I made up for it in the cuddliness. Because I gave you EXACTLY what you asked for. :) They were very fluffy. At least at the end.

And it was very long. Even after I cut out a whole bunch of stuff, which I may include at the end of the fic as like a "deleted scenes" kind of thing. I know, cheesy, right? But deleted scenes are personally my second favorite thing to watch on the special features of DVDs. Second only to bloopers and the deleted scenes and bloopers of fic are kind of like the same thing.

All of the medical stuff was from eMedicine. Because I don't know all of that stuff off the top of my head. But I read it and thought about it and understood it. That has to count for something, right? I mean, even Alex Karev needs a refresher course once in a while.

I'm really sorry that I had to use a Hilary Duff song for the title. Please don't hate me. I just had to.

The reviews were actually VERY motivating. I got like 5/6 of this chapter done the very first night. And then I was like "I don't feel like writing an anxiety attack right now. Maybe tomorrow." And then I kept putting it off until today, when I realized it was actually kind of fun to write.

And so, the point of this is that you should keep reviewing. Because there are no anxiety attacks for me to put off in the next chapter. The next chapter is actually kind of funny. It's the whole girls thing that Callie was planning and it's going to be SUPER FUN. I'm really excited. So hopefully, I'll see ya again in less than half a year. Or so.


	17. Chicago: Cell Block Tango Part 1

**A/N: Okay, this is so long that I thought it would be a good idea to put it in two parts. So that you didn't have to read it in one setting. Seriously. If you don't get the lyrics, I will explain everything at the end of EVERYTHING.**

**_Disclaimer: See Chapter 1_**

**_Can't Fight the Moonlight_**

Chapter 17: Cell Block Tango (He Had It Coming)

_Previously on Can't Fight the Moonlight…"_

_Hey, don't worry about it. Actually..." Callie hesitated, trying to find something to take this off Addison's mind, "I was just planning this- uh- thing for tomorrow. Event. All of the girls. Together. Do you want to come?"_

_Addison shrugged. "Who's going to be there?"_

_"Ummm..." Callie thought. "Meredith will be there. And Cristina…maybe Bailey. And," Callie gritted her teeth, "Izzie. And you too, if you come."_

_"Well, that's just about everyone. I suppose it would give off the wrong impression if I wasn't there." Addison shifted her weight. "I just want everyone else to think that I'm recovering well." _

_"Great! I'll count on you being there! I'll rent the penthouse for a night. At the Archfield. Be there at eight."_

_Addison laughed. "Yeah. That sounds fun. I'll see you there."

* * *

_

He had it coming  
He only had himself to blame 

As it turned out, Bailey happened to be on call the night of Callie's old-fashioned girl's sleepover. Luckily for Callie, all of the women interns had the night off. Richard had decided to rearrange the work schedule for the surgical interns. In order to reduce the number of...distractions during the work day, he separated assigned the male interns to different hours than the female interns. As this was illegal-ish and instantly provoked all of the women to stand up against this 'discrimination', he claimed it was an "accident" on his own part and promised that the schedule would return to normal in a matter of weeks. Regardless, this incident freed the schedules of Meredith, Cristina, and Izzie, all on this Friday night. Callie figured that Meredith and Izzie were a shoe-in to come, as she believed that they were still living in high school and would jump at a chance for pillow fights and alcohol. Of course, Meredith volunteered to bring the tequila and mix for the margaritas and Izzie baked brownies. Cristina surprised Callie by being almost enthusiastic about the whole situation. Clearly, she was excited to get out of the house for a night. Purposely, Callie told the rest of them to come a half hour later than the time Addison was supposed to arrive. She wanted to have some time to talk to Addison before the interns came and ruined everything with their alcohol and cheerfulness. She thought it might help Addison relax before the whole thing started.

Addison knocked on the door at eight o'clock sharp, and Callie opened it. She smiled and thought for the first time, _This might actually be fun. _"Hey!"

"Hey!" Addison cautiously stepped into the flat. "Where is everyone?"

Callie laughed nervously. "Oh, you know, those interns. They're always late."

Addison took off her coat hesitantly. She didn't know why she was so anxious. Callie was her best friend. Maybe it was just the prospect that Meredith Grey was about to be here soon. She really never got over her fear of the tiny woman. And now, she was to blame for Meredith's recent breakup, so it was kind of uncomfortable for her.

Addison turned her attention to the bar. "Wow." She moved down the line, glancing at all of it. "That's a lot of food. And drinks."

"Yep." Callie felt at ease talking to her. "I figured that it would be less awkward if everyone was drunk."

Addison laughed and tilted her head in thought. She really drank much since the attack. _This might be interesting. _She wrinkled her nose. "Do you think this is going to be really weird?"

Callie poured a drink and glanced up at Addison. "Nah." She handed the martini to her. "If we're talking about the same thing, no one's going to be thinking about it. And if we aren't talking about the same thing, then I'm sure no one's going to be thinking about it. I just talked to these women. They're coming here to vent and eat. Well, actually, I think that the only reason that Izzie's coming is because I have the twentieth anniversary edition of _Dirty Dancing _and a high-def projector that enhances the sweat on Patrick Swayze's body. And Meredith will do anything that involves tequila and talking about herself. But I'm pretty sure Cristina is coming here to vent and eat. I feel like I'm talking a lot. Am I talking a lot? You say something now."

Addison laughed as she sipped her martini. "No. Keep talking. You're hilarious. And it's distracting me from the fact that the three people that I'm probably scared of the most are going to march into this room and want to girl-talk with me."

"Ahhh…" Callie nodded. "So you keep quiet when you're nervous. I'm the opposite. I talk. And I won't shut up until you tell me to. Let's play a game of who's more nervous. You go first."

Addison fiddled with the toothpick in her drink and smiled. _Callie is such a great friend. _"Okay. I'm nervous because Meredith is going to be here and-"

Callie interrupts her. "That's not a reason."

Addison raises her eyebrows in question. "How did you know what I was going to say?"

"I've already told you that she did not break up with Derek because of you. DID NOT." Callie did not know if this was true, but she figured that there was no way for Addison to find out.

Addison groaned. "Come on, I'm not stupid."

"And-" Callie hesitated. "neither is she."

Addison gave her a 'Are you kidding me?' look and Callie rolled her eyes. "She isn't ALL stupid. I mean, she did break up with him when she found that he was lying his married ass off."

"And then she slept with his married ass." Addison rebuts.

_Good point_, Callie thought. "Aren't you over this already?"

"You brought it up!" Addison exclaimed with wide eyes. "And, yes. Of course, I'm seeing Alex."

Callie took a breath like she was about to say something, and then she didn't. She just stared at the counter. When she looked up, Addison was smiling at her and they both dissolved into giggles.

After regaining her breath, Callie said "That was the LEAST intelligent argument that I have ever had."

"Least intelligent?" Addison refilled her drink. "Who do you think you are? Say stupidest."

"That's not a word," Callie defended.

Addison shrugged. "Who's counting?"

"We never finished our game." Callie recalled as she motions over to the couch. They sat down.

"Ohhhh, right." Addison remembered. The leather couch was very nice and squishy as she sank down into it. "Okay. Spill. Why are you nervous?"

"It doesn't matter." Callie said, "Any reason that I could give would be infinitely better than yours."

"Come on," Addison bounced a little on the couch. The alcohol had kind of gone to her head already, and the laughter broke up the tension in the room. "I really want to know."

"Fine." Callie swung her legs up onto the couch so she can face Addison, and Addison did the same. "My point is three-fold. One." She held up one finger. "Izzie has been in love with my husband in the past. And she tried to start a cat-fight with me. And I've slept with her current boyfriend. Now that's awkward."

"What?!" Addison exclaimed.

"I'm not finished yet." Callie scolded. "Wait until I'm done talking. Okay. Where was I?"

"Point two." Addison reminded her.

"Right." Callie held up two fingers. "Two. I'm pretty sure Meredith is scared of me because one time, I tried to fight her in the locker room."

It was very hard for Addison to keep quiet. She gave up. "Please, you have to tell me what happened with that. I mean, you're like my hero."

Callie grinned. "Well, if you must know, Stevens stepped in to defend her. Something about Meredith being a very tiny person."

"Wow." Addison was bewildered.

"She is a very tiny person," Callie admitted. "But on to point three," A third finger shot up. "I've been sworn to secrecy, but-" she whispers, "I've seen Cristina in pastels."

Addison froze. "No…"

"It's the truth." Callie nodded. "And we can't even look at each other anymore."

"That's so sad." Addison said with fake sympathy. "Okay." She turned back to her happy self. "You win. But only because I let you."

"Whatever." Callie scoffs.

There was a knock at the door. Addison's stomach turned to butterflies and Callie sighed. Leave it to the interns to be fifteen minutes early. They both picked themselves off the couch, drinks in hand, and Callie cautiously opened the door. Even when the door wasn't fully open, yet, butterflies and rainbows seemed to seep from the cracks.

Callie seemed to be moving too slowly, compared to Izzie's standards, so Izzie pushed open the door from the outside. "Hi!!"

Izzie rushed in and placed her stuff down on the floor. "I brought chick flicks!" she said in a high-pitched sing-song voice, while holding up a trilogy of _Legally Blonde, Miss Congeniality_, and _Sleepless in Seattle._ "This is going to be SO much fun!" She clapped her hands excitedly together.

Meredith followed Izzie, and she moved much slower. Setting her bag down right besides Izzie's, she held out the tequila that she brought and pointed to it. "I brought alcohol." She said this in such a low voice, that it came out kind of grouchy, so she smiled one of her small Meredith-smiles to let everyone know that she wasn't trying to be a bitch.

Callie smiled a sarcastic smile back. "Great. And you brought sleeping bags." She laughed through gritted teeth. "You know we have beds here, right?"

Izzie shook her head and laughed. "Yeah. We just thought it would be really fun to sleep on the floor, you know, like in middle school."

Callie shot Addison an annoyed look, who in return almost spit out her drink while laughing. "Yeah, okay."

Not long after Cristina came trudging through the door. Being her usual self, she threw her bag somewhere on the floor before mixing herself and drink and shoving five Doritos into her mouth.

Callie laughed. "And where's _your _sleeping bag?"

Cristina glared at her before opening her mouth and giving the entire room a good view of the food rolling around. "Oh…I don't need one. I'll sleep on the cold hard floor. Builds character."

"No," Izzie sighed, annoyed that Cristina was ruining all the pink girliness, "You'll sleep on the floor because you're bitter."

Cristina shrugged.

Addison, who hadn't spoken yet, finished her drink and said, "You know, this isn't really so bad."

Izzie was fixing some sort of red mixed drink. "What do you mean?"

Callie made a 'cut it out' motion, but Addison couldn't see her, so she continued, "Well, Callie and I were really nervous about tonight. I only had one reason, but Cal-" she hiccupped "-excuse me- _Callie _had three-fold reasons." She paused a second. "That didn't come out right, did it?"

Callie laughed and patted Addison on the back. "As you can see, Addison is already halfway drunk. Let's race to be the first to catch up."

_The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum  
The dirty bum, bum, bum, bum, bum_

* * *

_He took a flower  
In its prime  
And then he used it  
And he abused it_

No one spoke for a really long time. Callie tried to get the conversation moving by talking about men, food, and even drinks. But every time she spoke, everyone glanced at Addison for some reason. Like they were trying to make sure she was okay with everything. Addison had been right before when she predicted just how weird this little get-together was going to be. Finally, Addison decided to just get it over with.

"All right!" She screamed in frustration. "That's enough. Why don't we just identify the elephant in the room? Although it feels more like the Godzilla because you refuse to look at me, and when you do, you seem absolutely terrified."

Everyone acted oblivious until Addison sighed, "You have to stop doing that or else this entire night is going to be absolute hell!"

Izzie kind of backed away, frightened at her outburst. Meredith had the guts to ask, "What?"

Addison ran her hands through her hair. "You keep looking at me like I'm going to break or melt or something. I'm a human being! You're not going to kill me by talking about the hospital, or men, or anything related to what happened. Okay?"

Everyone was scared to breathe, even Cristina. But Meredith somehow found the courage within her to speak. "Are you?"

"What?"

"Are you okay?"

Addison certainly had not expected this. But then she remembered that, oddly enough, Meredith was the only one who knew about the cutting. She prayed that Meredith wouldn't say anything. She then realized that Meredith's question gave her the perfect opportunity to stop all of this, before it got out of hand. "Um. I would be, if everyone would just stop focusing on me."

"Okay." Meredith nodded. "We can do that. Right?"

Everyone else, including Callie, nodded. Silence fell over them. Meredith wanted to explain to her, but she couldn't find the words._ I just don't want to remind her of anything. _They were all walking on eggshells.

Addison wished they could just be honest with her, but she knew that hell would have to freeze over before that would happen. It was probably for the best. _But I'm already trying to not think about it every second of every day. They shouldn't have to worry about that too._

Callie smiled, she really wanted to move on from this awkward period. She could tell that the others weren't really having a good time. She hated being a bad hostess. "Now that's cleared up..."

Izzie interrupted her by clearing her throat. " Addison? Are you seeing Abby Levenkron?"

Addison took a shaky breath. _Does Izzie know? _"Yes..." she answered. "Why?"

Meredith looked shocked and scared. "You're a lesbian?!"

"No. Abby is just one of those weird names that can be used for a guy and a girl," Cristina explained.

Izzie hesitated and then shrugged. "Actually, she was just one of the doctors that they recommended to me after Denny died," Izzie took a long pause, "because she's really good with post-traumatic stress disorder. Anyway, I saw you walking out of her office a couple of days ago."

"Wait," Meredith was confused. "Who's Abby Levenkron?"

Addison bit her lip. "She's my psychologist."

Cristina's mouth dropped open. "You're seeing a shrink?!" she blurted out. Force of nature Addison Montgomery talking about her feelings? It seemed out of place. It was almost as if Cristina herself was seeing one. It just wasn't done. Even after what Addison had gone through, she had actually seemed fine at work, as if nothing fazed her.

Addison couldn't really hide her emotions about Cristina's surprise. Clearly, the words had been ripped out of Addison's mouth. The comment was so insensitive, which was like Cristina, but Addison had never been on the receiving end of it. _So much for impressing them. _Addison stared down at her hands in embarrassment.

Suddenly, Izzie wasn't embarrassed, so much as offended. "What's wrong with seeing a shr- therapist? It promotes mental health..." Izzie paused, "You think it's weak, don't you?" Izzie became very angry and completely unleashed the beast. "Well-" she spat out, as she got up from her seat beside Cristina and plopped down next to Addison. "It's not! It's very respectable and I just can't believe you would say something like that! I mean, I've been in and out of therapy for the past year and it's only done good things for me!"

Addison subtley banged her head against the armrest. She enjoyed someone sticking up for her, but part of her wished Izzie would just shut up.

Cristina tried to blow past this; it was quickly becoming something she didn't want part in. She hadn't meant to offend anyone, but it was just in her nature to stick to her natural reaction. "I didn't say that seeing a shrink was weak. I just think that out of all the medical specialties, psychiatry is the most...bull. Come on, you can't say that you see them as equals. Psychology has almost nothing to do with medicine! Seriously."

Izzie's face was turning really red and she twisted the couch material in her fingers. "You're just saying that because you can't relate or connect to anyone. AT ALL!"

"Now, ladies." Callie didn't want to have to split them up. "Don't get so angry. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion. But, for the record, I'm with Izzie." Callie never thought she would utter those words. Ever. But Meredith nodded along so she continued. "It's not what you think, Cristina. It's just sometimes people need reassurance that they're not crazy. Don't you think it's nice to have someone to talk to every once in a while?"

Cristina saw her control slipping, so she fired a response. "Yeah, they're called friends. You should get some once in a while."

Callie winced briefly, but Cristina caught it and mentioned quickly, "No offense."

Callie pushed her hair away from her face. "None taken."

Finally, Izzie just blew up. "You know what, Cristina? This has gone on long enough. You're soul is like ICE and that's not a good thing, even- I mean, especially- if you are in the medical field. I've tried to be optimistic, but you just keep sucking that away. That's what you do, you just take everyone's happiness, like the GRIM REAPER…" Izzie continued to rant, and eventually started to throw punches at Cristina, who was now on her feet, trying to argue points as Izzie threw them at her.

Callie had to hold Izzie down while Cristina defended herself. Meredith was shielding her face, her reflex reaction to anytime Callie or Izzie fists went flying. Addison just watched in shock. She was a virgin when it came to intern cat-fights.

Callie finally got both of them to sit down. Izzie was still infuriated, and Cristina's hair seemed to have frizzed out a couple of inches. "Okay!" Callie shouted. "That's enough!"

Addison spoke quietly, "I have something to say."

Everyone listened intently. She hadn't spoken for a very long time. "Can you just stop it? You all said that you would stop focusing on this."

Izzie was the first to apologize. "I'm sorry. I really don't know how it got out of hand."

Cristina took a deep breath. "I'm sorry, too." She said reluctantly.

"And-" Addison continued, "I have something to confess."

Meredith seemed confused and scared for Addison. Addison flashed her a little smile. "You all looked ridiculous. And…I caught you on tape." She held up her cell phone.

"What?" Callie was the first one to jump for the phone, but everyone else followed. Addison stood up and towered over all of them. She held the phone high above her head. "No! You owe me! I promise I won't send it to anyone."

In compromise, they all sat down.

Addison was still standing when she said, "Except for Alex, because I already sent it to him."

Everyone got back up, fighting for the phone, but again, Addison's hand shot up. "No!! I promise. He's the only one."

They all groaned and sat down. In order to break the silence, Callie turned to Cristina and asked, "So, what kind of guy is named Abby?"

This earned a laugh from everyone and the tension was slowly broken. Most of them finished their drinks and things started to loosen up a little bit. Izzie sat down on the floor and started a game of cards, which almost everyone joined in. Addison felt good that the tension was finally broken and they could have a good time. The subject of marriage came up a few times, but she dismissed it. It was entirely too soon for her to be thinking about that. She _did _imagine herself with Alex for the rest of her life, but she didn't know if he felt the same way. She was really in no rush, being pretty much infertile. She wanted to take it slow with him and she definitely didn't want to scare him off. All she knew was that she couldn't imagine her life without him.

_Well, I was in such a state of shock,  
I completely blacked out. I can't remember a thing.  
It wasn't until later, when I was washing the blood off my hands  
I even knew they were dead._

* * *

_You know how people have these little habits that get you down?_

"You know who has really annoying habits?" Cristina started, after three screwdrivers, and halfway through a daiquiri.

All of the girls except Izzie fit comfortable around on the huge, L-shaped leather sofa. Izzie sat cross-legged on the floor, with a stack of Cosmopolitan's beside her. She had always wanted to do this, drink Cosmo's while reading the magazine. Her head snapped up at the mention of gossip. "Who?!"

Cristina licked her lips and laughed. "Burke!"

Everyone giggled, so she continued. For full effect, she stood up and began to wave her hands around wildly to paint the scene she was describing. "Okay, okay. Picture this. His apartment is so clean that you could perform surgery on any of his counters. It's terrible. I swear, he spends three-fourths of his day cleaning."

Izzie bounced in excitement. "What else? What else?"

"Okay." Cristina paused in thought. "Oh! You know how his teeth are so white?!"

Everyone nodded in agreement.

"He brushes his teeth after EVERY meal. Including snacks. He keeps two containers of floss on him at all times. One is his BACKUP. As for mouthwash? Four different kinds. He still wears a retainer to BED."

They all burst into laughter. Meredith managed to make out a sentence between giggles. "Does he leave it in during _sex_?" She squinted in disbelief.

Cristina pretended to be serious. "I don't think you want me to answer that question."

Everyone groaned. Callie put her hands over her ears. "TOO MUCH INFORMATION!"

Izzie laughed. "Maybe we should have rules on this kind of stuff. Like no sex talk."

Callie looked at her like she was stupid. "Are you kidding? There has to be certain level of maturity to this sleepover. We're not all living in middle school. I say that a certain amount of sex talk is allowed. But nothing disgusting."

"Agreed." Addison voiced. A chorus of agreement came around the room.

Callie turned back to Cristina. "So, got any more dirt on McChocolately?"

"No!" Cristina pointed at Callie. "You just violated your own rule! McChocolately qualifies as disgusting. Burke can't have a McName. It's just not his nature."

Callie turned to Addison for backup. Addison took a deep breath and looked at Cristina. "You have to tell us more about Burke, or else we are calling him McChocolately for the rest of the night."

"Deal." Cristina immediately agreed. She paused to think.

And then Cristina dropped the bomb. "He cheats on crossword puzzles."

They all gasped.

Cristina nodded. "He looks up the answers on the internet."

"Nooo!" exclaimed Addison. "Preston Burke? Mr. Honorable? Mr. I-Have-No-Moral-Faults?!"

"Oh! And you know what I HATE?" Cristina continued. "When he pauses between EVERY sentence. Like I should be hanging on to every word that he says. Because he's the most wisdom-ous person in the world."

"That's not a word." Addison muttered.

"I thought you weren't counting." Callie mimics.

Cristina was not paying attention to anyone. "And he always repeats everything that he sees. If I'm driving, which I always am, he HAS to read every sign that we pass by. Like he'll just randomly say 'Joe's Pizza Parlor' or 'Bab's Hair Salon'. I hate that."

Cristina kept talking non-stop about the burden of being Mrs. Preston Burke for another thirty minutes. It became a little repetitive and boring.

"Okay." Meredith interrupted. "I think we're done talking about Burke." She was a little annoyed at Cristina's non-stop rant.

"Well, excuse me." Cristina reached for her drink. "I'm going to make some Pina Coladas. Anyone else want any?"

Addison raised her hand. "Me!"

Izzie peeked up from her magazine. "So, Cristina, have you and Burke talked about having kids?"

Cristina almost dropped her glass.

Meredith looked at Izzie. "_Izzie! _What did I just say?"

Izzie rolled her eyes. "This is about Burke AND Cristina." She turned back to Cristina. "You have! Haven't you?"

Cristina set her glass down on the table. "Well, we haven't TALKED about it. It was more along the lines of Burke saying that he wanted to have kids and me telling him to go to hell."

"Cristina!" Izzie gasped. "That's such an awful thing to say."

Addison couldn't believe it, but she found herself bitterly agreeing with Izzie. "You should definitely reconsider. It may come to a time where you want kids, but you can't have them because of a stupid something called a biological clock."

Everyone stared at her.

"Great." She muttered sarcastically. "Now I'm the old woman in the room."

Surprisingly enough, Cristina decided to save her. "Whatever. It's not like I'm going to be a good mother anyway."

Izzie, completely ignorant to Addison's feelings, asked, "Is that what happened between you and Shepherd?"

Addison, at that moment, felt that she would have rather gouged out her own eyes before answering the question in front of Meredith.

Addison let out a breath of air. "See, now, a martini ago, that question would have made me cry. But now, nothing."

Meredith scratched her head. "Wait, what?! What are we talking about again?"

Everyone answered her at the same time.

"Nothing."

_And then he ran into my knife.  
He ran into my knife ten times!_

* * *

_He told me he was single, and we hit it off right away.  
And then I found out,  
"Single" he told me? Single, my ass.  
Not only was he married...oh, no, he had six wives._

"You know," Meredith continued, "I think I just have trust issues. Starting with my dad. And then the think with Derek shot everything to hell."

Addison was quietly sipping her pina colada. She was only halfway listenting.

"I mean, he just can't seem to commit" This was hour two of the Meredith show. The others had busied themselves with other focuses, but Meredith didn't seem to mind. As long as she was allowed to talk, she had no problem. "And I'm not blaming you, Addison."

At the mention of her name, Addison's head snapped up. All of a sudden, she was fed up. "I KNOW." She crossed the room to over where Meredith was. Coincidentally they had been sitting on opposite sides of the couch. "We've been listening to you GO ON for like a twelve hours. Okay, we all know that you still love him. I'd never thought I'd say this, but you need to get back together with him. Okay? Just do that. It'll save us some time."

"But he doesn't love me!" Meredith whined.

"Are you kidding me?" Addison exclaimed. "He loves you more than- DOC. And ice cream! And he loves you more than double scotches. And more than most brains. Only except the ones that are really messed up because he really loves those too. Maybe it's a tie." Addison played with her hair, drunkenly confused on what she was saying. Suddenly, it comes back to her. "But, my point is, that he loves you a really really lot. More than he loved me. And he loved me a lot too. Or I thought he did." Addison kneeled down on the floor, partly in sadness, partly in tiredness.

"I think he still loves you in a different way." Meredith observed.

Callie jumped in the conversation for a quick remark. "I think that's the most intelligent thing you've said all night. Yes, Addison, most INTELLIGENT. Not smartest." She paused. "Oh wait, I think that _is_ a word."

Luckily for Callie, no one really heard her.

Addison found her words again. "Yeah, maybe kind of. But he thinks that he still has to worry about me. But he doesn't. Cause Alex is here. And Alex- you may not know this- but Alex is an excellent knight in shining armor. But he's not because he wouldn't actually wear something ridiculous like that. But he really does make my life most days."

"I think Derek would wear a shining armor suit. Even if it was ridiculous." Meredith thought out loud.

"I think he would too." Addison laughed. "So tell him that I will be just fine, okay? He doesn't really like me right now."

"Yeah. I will." Meredith promised. She buried her head back into the couch. "I don't know!" she screamed, but it came out muffled because of the pillow.

"What?!" Cristina asked.

Meredith pulled her head out of the couch. "I don't know if I want to be with him."

Everyone groaned.

Izzie pounded on the floor. "Meredith, you have a good thing. Why can't you just be thankful for it?"

"I think I just have a self-destructive personality," Meredith observed.

Callie sighed, "Now, don't blame it on that. You just have to think positively. You CAN change."

Not really listening, Meredith continued, "I think it has to do with my mother."

Cristina sipped her glass of wine. "I would have given anything to switch mothers with you."

"You can't change the past," Callie reminded them.

Meredith turned to Callie. "Callie." She paused and squinted. "You turned out pretty much all right. What was your mother like?"

Callie laughed. "She's the exact opposite of yours. Most of the time, she's embarrassingly fun. She can also be quite...exotic."

"Interesting word choice." Addison pointed out, as she tossed her hair. "Why haven't I met your mother?"

Callie shrugged. "She travels a lot." She swirled the drink around in her glass. "You guys probably wouldn't like her anyway."

"Why?" Izzie asked, curiously. Izzie hardly ever met a person that she didn't like, besides Cristina and Callie.

Callie answered quickly. "She's just like an older version of me."

"Okay," Izzie accepted, as she raised her eyebrows in awkward surprise.

"Awwww." Addison leaned forward and hugged Callie. "I like you."

Callie tapped her on the nose. "I like you too. Except for your very bad breath."

Addison blew on her hand and took a big whiff. She shrugged, "I don't smell anything."

"That's because you're blowing on your hand, silly." Callie smiled. Addison was rather fun when she was drinking.

Addison giggled. "I'm going to go get some of those peppermint patties that you set out."

Callie nodded, "Good idea." She turned to Meredith. "So, Meredith, where are we on the whole- McDreamy love affair?"

Meredith grimaced. She hated making decisions like this. "Can't I just get another dog?"

Izzie and Cristina answered simultaneouly. "No." They both have had enough experiences with dogs to last them a life time.

Meredith sighed. "Okay." If people repeated themselves enough, Meredith usually started to agree with them.

"What?" Addison asked, exasperated.

"I will give him ONE more chance." Meredith relented.

Addison groaned a "Thank God" and Izzie hummed the Hallelujah chorus.

"Wait." She held up her hand. "But this is his last chance. I mean it. This means no hidden wives, no secret affairs, and no irrational arguments."

"That's not entirely fair," Addison mentioned.

"Fine. One irrational argument per week. If and only if-" Meredith continued. "we can get another dog."

Cristina groaned and Izzie suggested, "How about a cat?" Meredith wrinkled her nose. "I hate cats. My mother had a cat."

"You know what kind of pets are really awesome?" Addison grinned. "Snakes. Aphrodite is the best."

Meredith laughed. "I forgot you had a snake. A boa constrictor, right?"

Addison nodded and Cristina woke up from whatever day dream she was having. "Wait, you have a snake?"

Addison nodded again and Cristina cracked up. "That is weird on SO many levels."

_You know, some guys just can't hold their arsenic._

_

* * *

_


	18. Chicago: He Had it Coming Part 2

**And here's Part II...**

* * *

Not guilty! 

"George is a really jealous person," Callie observed over M&M's and potato chips.

"Is he?" Addison raised her eyebrows. "I can't really picture him like that." 

Everyone else confirmed Callie's statement.

"Some girl must have screwed him over. Don't you think it's a little unreasonable?" Izzie asked.

Meredith and Cristina nodded in agreement. Callie didn't say anything, but Addison spoke up, "I don't think it's unreasonable."

"Shut up, Addison." Callie muttered, but she knew her secret was about to come out and there was nothing she could do to stop it.

"Callie," Addison emphasized, "they already know."

"Know what?" Meredith was suddenly very curious.

"Callie's been sleeping with Mark." Addison said, matter-of-factly.

Everyone gasped and Izzie clenched her teeth. "What?"

Addison's eyes widened, "You didn't know?!"

"No!" Callie smacked Addison lightly on the back of the head. "And I'm not sleeping with him. It was over two months ago! When George and Izzie were having their thing."

"I didn't have SEX with George." Izzie pointed out. "We only went out once."

Addison pointed to Izzie, and looked at Callie, "She really does have a good point."

Meredith patted Callie on the knee. "I'm really sorry. I didn't know it was so bad."

Callie screamed in frustration. "It wasn't so bad!" She got up off the couch and carried her glass over to the bar. "We just had a falling out! I mean, George knows. He was just happy that I took him back and didn't divorce him. And sleeping with Mark is like a rite of passage."

Izzie rolled her eyes, and, in response, Callie decided to survey the room. "Okay. You don't believe me. Can I get a raise of hands of who has slept with Mark Sloan?"

Not surprisingly, Addison, Callie, and Izzie, all raised their hands. Callie smiled, "You see? Over HALF. That means it's a RITE OF PASSAGE."

Addison rubbed her chin in thought. "Wow. Mark is really making it around the group."

She paused, and then shrugged. "Who am I to talk?"

"Am I missing out on something?" Cristina asks.

Addison, Callie, and Izzie all sigh in pleasurable thoughts. Mark had always been an overachiever in the sexual department.

"That good?" Cristina seemed surprised.

Izzie looked down in disgust. "I just can't believe it. All of the diseases that I might be carrying." She shivered.

"What?!" Addison and Callie shrieked at the same time.

"You think we're carrying around STD's?! I'm not that much of a slut." Addison defended.

"That was totally directed to me!" Callie shook her head in fury. "I swear, I am this-" she pinched her thumb and forefinger together to indicate a small distance, "- close to drinking alcohol right now."

"What are you talking about?" Meredith groaned in confusion. "You've been drinking all night."

"I've been drinking sparkling juice all night!" Callie threw her hands up in the air. "I'm agonizingly sober!!"

"Well, that's just stupid." Cristina stated, as she threw back a jello shot.

Because of the alcohol slowing down her brain functions, it took Addison about a full second to realize what was going on. She squealed and ran over to the bar to hug Callie.

Meredith anxiously looked around the room, trying to figure out what they were doing. "What's going on here? What's happening?"

Addison took Callie's face and squeezed it between her hands. She kissed her on both cheeks and then danced around the apartment. "Callie's pregnant! Callie's pregnant!"

Callie rubbed the saliva off of her cheeks. "Okay, okay. Settle down."

"I can't!" Addison jumped up in the air. "It's too much." She was so happy for Callie that she could barely contain herself and she held out her hands to Izzie. "Join me!"

Izzie, eager to be overly excited whenever possible, immediately stood up and started to dance with Addison.

Meredith stood up to look at Callie. "You're pregnant?"

Cristina stood up too. "I can't believe you got pregnant before I did." She seemed defeated, Cristina liked to be the first to win at everything.

Izzie yelled from where she was dancing. "But you don't want kids!"

"Oh, right," Cristina remembered and she sat back down. She supposed Callie could take this one. The thought of a screaming baby apalled her just that much.

Meredith walked over to Callie. "Congratulations." She sincerely gave Callie a hug.

Callie smiled, "Thank you."

Izzie and Addison danced/bounced their way over to Callie. Addison got down on her knees and started to beg the old-fashioned way, "Please, please, please! You have to let me be your OB!"

Callie tugged on her. "Of course. Get up." There wasn't any need to beg. Addison was her best friend and the best OB around. Callie would have no one else.

Izzie bounced. "You have to name it Izzie. Please, please, please!"

Callie led them back into the sitting area. "Sure, Izzie. I'll name my kid after you when hell freezes over."

"Yay!" Izzie didn't even stop to think about it.

"Aren't you excited?" Addison gushed. She was so glad that she finally had something to be happy and excited about.

Callie found it so wonderful that Addison didn't seem to be jealous at all. After her struggles with having kids, Addison found it within her to be genuinely happy for Callie. "Yes, I am. I can't wait."

"What did George say? And why didn't he tell me? He must have FLIPPED. He's going to be such an amazing dad." Izzie spoke very quickly.

Callie bit her lip. "I haven't exactly told him yet."

"Why not?" Meredith looked up with expectant eyes.

Cristina knew in an instant. She was obsessed with cynical thoughts like this. "She's not sure if it's his."

Suddenly, Izzie turned very angry again. "YOU'RE having Mark's baby?!"

For a moment, Addison forgot about her previous abortion. "I am so jealous!" Addison complained. _Callie and Mark would have very interesting babies_, she thought.

"You have Alex!" Cristina reminded her. "Remember him? Mark Jr.?"

"Oh, right." Addison smiled cheerfully. "I'm going to sit and think about that for a while, I think." _Now Alex and I will have gorgeous, brilliant babies._

"I am ninety percent sure that it is George's." Callie reasoned. "I mean, I've slept with George a lot more times that I slept with Mark." That was only half truthful. Callie knew that she was just making excuses.

Meredith remained optimistic. "It's probably George's then. But you should really tell him."

"Are you kidding?" Cristina stared at Meredith like she couldn't believe her. "It's Murphy's Law. It has to be Mark's." Cristina put a lot of her faith in Murphy's law. It seemed to work out well for her.

"Are you willing to put money on that?" Meredith challenged.

Cristina remained strong. "Definitely." She could really make some money.

"No." Callie stopped them. "No one is betting on my baby."

"Fine." Meredith protested. "We'll just have to find out who the father is some other way. Because you have to know or else your kid will be really screwed up from the start." _Like Meredith-screwed-up._

"And how do you propose we do this?" Callie asked intelligently. She was actually getting a kick out of being the only sober one, although it did suck to have to be responsible.

"Do we have a board-certified OB/GYN in the room?" Cristina asked, somewhat rhetorically.

Addison didn't realize that they were talking about her for a few minutes, but then she stood up and rasied her hand. "Ohhh. That's me." She looked at Cristina, waiting for Cristina to give her instructions.

Cristina enjoyed being the boss for a moment and stared at her. "Can't you just look at Callie and pinpoint the exact second that the baby was conceived?"

Callie laughed. "No way. Well, maybe if she wasn't drunk as a skunk." Thinking about her word choice, Callie groaned. She was really starting to sound like her mother.

Addison frowned. "I am NOT drunk as a skunk. Just let me try." She shook her head. "I don't think I can when it was conceived, but I can probably tell you who the father is." She reached out and placed her hand on Callie's stomach.

Callie peered at her. "What do you think you are doing?"

"Don't question my methods." Addison scolded. She was Addison Montgomery, world class renowned surgeon. She was supposed to have obscure methods and people weren't supposed to question them. She paused for a few more seconds, sighed, and then took her hand off Callie's abdomen. "It's George's. Definitely."

"Wow." Meredith stared in amazement.

"How did you do that?" Izzie felt rather inspired. This was one of those moments where she felt that neonatal would be the best specialty for her. Cristina simply sat with a puzzled look on her face, trying to figure out exactly what kind of medical test that Addison had performed.

_This is exactly what is supposed to happend. _ Addison smiled. "It just felt like George's baby."

"Wait." Callie stopped her. "So you're not sure?"

Addison laughed. "Of course I'm sure. I felt it in my soul." Addison had felt a lot of things in her soul lately.

"I'm just curious. How?" Callie wanted to have valid proof that Georgge was the father of the child she was carrying.

Addison placed her hand back on Callie's stomach. "I just do. I know what Mark's baby feels like. And this is not Mark's baby."

Callie smiled. For some reason, she just trusted Addison's drunken reasoning. "Okay, okay. It's late. We should really try to get some sleep."

"But I'm not tired!" Meredith complained as she yawned.

"Let's watch a movie!" Addison suggested.

Izzie grinned. "Yay! Let's watch Legally Blonde!!"

Addison smirked. "I have a better idea."

_So I took the shotgun off the wall  
and I fired two warning shots...  
...into his head._

* * *

_He was always trying to find himself.  
He'd go out every night looking for himself  
and on the way he found Ruth, Gladys, Rosemary and Irving._

"EWWWW!" Izzie screamed, along with everyone else at the sight of a woman's ribs being torn open by a machine.

Meredith had her face buried in the couch. "I can't believe you made us watch _Saw_, Addison."

"It's _Saw III_, " Addison explained, with excitement on our face. Just something about the horror, the gore, the plot twists absolutely thrilled her. Of course, watching "brave and fearless" doctors with horror-struck faces made for a good time."And you guys should be so squeamish. You're doctors! We see this everyday."

Callie pointed to the screen with her free hand. Her other hand was covering her eyes. "I have never seen THAT before."

"It's not the bad." Cristina admitted, with a bit of disgust in her voice.

Meredith crawled up to her and grabbed her. "You're not even watching! But protect me anyway."

It was true. Cristina's gaze had followed to the floor. She wasn't watching. Only listening to the havy breathing and screams made it a little easier to keep her Cheetos down.

Izzie pulled a blanket over her head and peeked out the edge. "Why did you think that we would like this?"

"There's a girl that performs brain surgery near the end." Addison popped a couple pieces of popcorn in her mouth. She was having no trouble keeping _her _food down.

"How can you eat?!" Callie exclaimed. "And why does she perform brain surgery?"

Addison shrugged. "The guy that's killing everyone has terminal cancer and he would die without it." She actually found the story to be quite intreguing.

Izzie couldn't believe it. "Why the hell would she help him?"

"She has a bomb collar strapped to her." Addison said, almost too matter-of-factly.

Callie groaned. "This movie is too weird."

Izzie stared blankly at the screen. "I wonder if this sick feeling is due to the movie or all of the drinking."

"Hey!" Callie threw an empty bowl in her direction. "If you mess up this place, you're going to have to pay for it and I know you don't have the kind of money to do that." That wasn't necessarily ture, but Callie felt that even maids shouldn't have to clean up vomit.

Addison turned to Callie."Speaking of, do you have any Advil? I feel a hangover coming on." She pressed a hand to her head.

Callie smirked. "Sorry. I didn't think to bring any. This is when I gloat."

Izzie squinted. "What time is it?"

Cristina checked her watch. "Four." Her eyelids were barely open.

"Four!" Addison nearly fell out of her chair. "I haven't been up this late since my intern years."

"You're old." Callie stated.

Addison laughed. "We already covered this, remember?" After everything they had gone through that night, Addison grew to like feeling a little older and more mature.

Meredith snored a little and everyone looked at her. Her head was lying on Cristina's lap. Cristina was too tired to tell her to get off, but her gaze fell on something on the ground. "Hey. There's something shiny on the floor." The glare of the televison had just caught it and reflected the light perfectly.

Izzie crawled on her knees to where the shiny thing was. "My earring!" She reached up and felt her ear. "I didn't realize that it was even missing."

Addison peered at Izzie's hands. "Those are very lovely earrings. I love them really really much."

"Oh, thanks." Izzie touched them. "Mark got them for me." She sighed. "I bet he's having sex with someone else right now." Everyone called him a manwhore and she realized that she couldn't change the way he was.

"He's not cheating on you," Addison told her.

Izzie rested her head against the couch. "I have half a mind to call him right now to find out." She pulled out her cell phone, but Callie snatched it away from her hand.

"No way. Absolutely no drunk-dialing. This applies to everyone."

"I just wanna know!" Izzie pleaded.

Callie shook her head.

"I said," Addison repeated, "he's not cheating on you."

"How do you know?"

"You're different," Addison insisted."And I'm pretty sure that he learned his lesson after _we _dated." Addison groaned in recollection. That was not a time she wanted to remember. She had never felt so morally wrong and guilty in her life.

"What happened with you and Mark?" Izzie asked curiously.

"Hey- look." Callie interrupted and pointed to Meredith and Cristina. They were curled up together on the couch, almost spooning each other.

Addison sighed, "They look like a cute couple.

Callie laughed. "Yes, they do."

Izzie felt a small twinge of jealousy. She hated not being included in Meredith and Cristina's almost-lesbian love affair. But she really had accepted it by now. She was only the third wheel.

Callie laid on the couch. "I think I'm going to go to sleep."

"I'm going to finish the movie." Addison decided. "But you and the baby should get some sleep."

"Yes," Callie said sleepily. "I agree."

"I'm not really tired." Izzie was still wide awake. "Dr. Mont- Addison, tell me about you and Mark." Izzie wanted to know that Mark was a good man at heart and that she could trust him. She figured the only person who could honestly tell her that was Addison.

Addison waved her hands around to indicate confusion. "It was a whole big mess." She paused. "We tried to make it work, but I was still married to Derek, and he kept flirting with the nurses."

Obviously, this isn't what Izzie wanted to hear and she seemed extremely disappointed at this last comment, so Addison explained futher, "He's learned his lesson, Izzie. I can feel it. He knows that he can't cheat on the woman he loves."

"He cheated on you?" Izzie gasped.

Addison shrugged. "To be fair, I was still married to Derek." She didn't know why she kept defending Mark. Maybe, on some level, she felt that he deserved to have his feelings taken serious.

"Alex cheated on me," Izzie admitted glumly. "With Olivia. And I was very upset. I cried."

"Yeah. I knew about that." Addison stared at the television screen. "I try not to think about it. But I'm going to still date him. People make mistakes."

"It's almost weird, how similar Mark and Alex are." Izzie realized.

"I think it's weirder that both of us have slept with the both of them." Addison laughed. "It's like a square."

"You almost have two squares," Izzie observed, "If Meredith slept with Alex, that would be another square."

"Well, you almost have two squares too," Addison shot back, "If you and George slept together, it would be you, Mark, George and Callie."

"Ew. Oh, now, that's weird." Izzie remarked. She paused in thought. "This is fun. We should do this again sometime."

"Yeah." Addison slid down the couch to sit by Izzie. "Popcorn?" She offered her the bowl and Izzie took a few pieces.

They both watched the movie for a couple more minutes until this guy was getting drowned in pig guts, and Izzie decided to pick up the conversation again. "Before, you said that you knew what Mark's baby felt like. Does Mark have a kid that he doesn't know about?"

"No." Addison stuffed a handful of popcorn into her mouth. "I had his baby inside me once." Somehow, in all her drunkeness, she found herself trusting Izzie.

"Oh." Izzie wasn't quite sure what to think. A lot of things looked blurry to her right then.

"I killed it, Izzie. I killed his baby." Addison had tears in her eyes. "And he forgave me." Addison put her hand over to mouth to cover her sobs.

Izzie turned up the movie a little bit and she put her hand on Addison's arm. Addison's lip trembled and Izzie hugged her. "Sorry about your baby."

Addison pulled away and kneeled to grab Izzie by the shoulders. "Promise me that you won't ever let him get away. He's so wonderful sometimes."

Izzie shook her head seriously. "I won't. I really don't think he's cheating on me anyway."

"Yeah." Addison sat down.

Izzie thought about her next words very carefully. She knew that Addison trusted her now, a weird, but nice feeling. Also, she knew that both of them might not remember the conversation in the moring. She decided to admit something that would make everything extremely better or worse. She fingered the blanket that was draped over her. "I know that Abby Levenkron isn't a specialist in PTSD. I lied before."

Addison froze and then moved away from Izzie.

"I, um, read her book," Izzie continued. "And I know that she helps people who hurt themselves."

Addison closed her eyes and pinched them shut. She tried counting to ten over and over again.

Izzie kept talking. "But I also know that even though psychologists may specialize in one thing, that they often help more than one kind of people. So I'm not going to say anything to anyone, and I'm just going to pretend like I don't know anything. Because I don't know anything and most of the time, my assumptions are wrong and hurt people and I don't want to do that."

Izzie realized that she may have been rambling to fill the silence. "So, the main point is that I don't know anything and I'm not going to pretend like I do."

Addison tightened the blanket around her. She realized that her reaction and silence had just proved all of Izzie's suspicions true.

Izzie traced a pattern on the carpet. "You don't have to say anything. I just thought you should know that I'm an honest person and I'll keep my word. Because I think that you could be a good friend and mentor to me."

"Oh." Addison spoke. She didn't want it to be awkwardly silent again. "Thanks. You're a good friend too."

Izzie looked at her. "I've learned a lot from you." She paused and smiled, "I was also hoping that you could give me more dirt on Mark."

Addison laughed. "It's a deal." She took another shaky breath. She became anxious all of a sudden. "I really want to talk to Alex," she whimpered.

"Then, call him." Izzie handed her someone's cell phone. She wasn't sure whose it was.

"What about the rules?" Addison looked up at her with glassy eyes. "Callie said that we weren't allowed to drunk-dial anyone."

"I'm going to let you in on a little secret," Izzie said, jokingly, "Callie doesn't own the world, even though she might think that. Just call him."

Addison took a deep breath and sighed. "Okay." She dialed Alex's number. He picked up on the fourth ring.

_"Hello?"_

"Hey. It's me," Addison whispered. She felt so much better hearing his voice.

_"_ _Addison__? It's almost five in the morning. Did you just get up or have you been awake all this time?"_

"I've been awake," she admitted, "Sorry to wake you up."

_"It's okay" he said gruffly,_ _"Was there somthing that you needed?"_

"I just wanted to talk to you." Addison swallowed. "I was feeling a little scared."

_"Do you want me to come pick you up?"_

Truthfully, he did want to come pick her up. He hadn't been so sure about this thing in the first place and he wasn't just to sleeping alone. But Addison insisted, "No, I'm fine.

_"Are you having fun?"_

"Izzie and I are having fun together." Addison laughed.

_Alex's eyes widened in arousal._ _"Tell her to keep her hands off my girlfriend. Unless she absolutely can't help it. In that case, tell me and I'll come over and join in the fun."_

Addison giggled. "Not that kind of fun." Izzie burst into laughter. Addison had to talk louder to be heard over her. "We're watching _Saw III_."

_"Which one is that?"_

"The one where the one guy's limbs are twisted until his muscles and bones snap."

_"Ohhh. That's a good one."_

"Yeah." Addison smiles. "I think so too. What are you doing now?"

_"I **was **sleeping. But I will forgive you if you send me a picture of you."_

"Right now?" Addison asked.

_"Yeah."_

"Hold on. I've got to find another phone to send it on. I don't want to hang up on you just yet."

_Alex laughed._ _"I was wondering why you were on Cristina's phone."_

Izzie help up another phone. "Found one!" They took another picture and sent it to him.

Addison picked up the other phone. "Did you get it?"

_"Ummmm..." Alex cradled the home phone between his should and his ear while he picked up his cell phone. He started to laugh. They were both sticking their tongues out at him and making funny faces. _

"Wait," she said. "Here's another one." This picture was of all of the empty food containers and bottles at the bar.

_"Geez. How drunk are you?"_

"I'm not going to lie-" she started "you could probably take a whole lot of advantage of me."

_"Aww." He couldn't tell if she was joking or not. He decided to reassure her anyway. "You know I would never do that."_

"Yeah. I know that." She paused. "Hey, do you know where Mark is?"

_"Yeah." Alex chuckled a little. "He and Derek left Joe's together. They were going to the trailer to have some 'man-time', you know, to fish and grill and wrestle."_

Addison smiled and told Izzie, "Mark's with Derek. They're at the trailer." This reassured Izzie more than Addison knew. She put the phone back to her ear. "I miss you."

_"I miss you too. Come home please."_

"I'll be home in a few hours."

_"Then, what's the difference?"_

"Alex, I can't. I just can't explain it. You know, we just have to do somethings on our own. Kind of."

_"Yeah, I get it." He stopped and listened to her breathe for a moment. "Hey. Put Izzie on the phone. I gotta talk to her."_

"Why?"

_"I just have to. Put her on the phone."_

Addison handed Izzie the phone. "He wants to talk to you." Izzie hesitantly took the phone.

"Hello?"

Izzie didn't speak for a very long time. Addison started to fall asleep. Izzie woke her up and handed her both of the phones. "He says that he loves you and that he'll see you tomorrow."

"Nooo. I wanted to tell him-" But Addison was just too tired to call him back. "What did he say to you?"

"Nothing." Izzie faked innocence.

"Tell me." Addison curled up in a bunch of blankets.

"No. It's a surprise."

"I hate surprises." Addison complained. She buried her head into a pillow.

"You'll like this one. Now, hush, and go to sleep."

She sat up. "But I didn't get to see the end of the movie." Izzie pulled her down.

"You've already seen it and it's not like you have to return it or anything." Izzie hit the mute button on the remote.

"But you didn't get to see the end of it."

"I'll live." Izzie growled. Her eyes were already closed.

"Izzie!" Addison was getting more awake by the second.

"Okay!" Izzie sat up. "Tell me what happens."

"Everyone dies."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

"Stupid horror movie." Izzie fell back down onto the blankets.

"It's no wonder why there are so many murderers today."

_I guess you can say we brokeup because of artistic differences.__  
__He saw himself as alive and I saw him dead._

* * *

A/N: So I updated really quickly with the longest chapter ever!!! There's a lot about this chapter that I have to say.

1. I know that it kind of doesn't fit in with the tone of the story. It's a little lighter. I'm thinking about posting it as a one shot instead. Sorry to disappoint you. (if it did)

2. I'm also sorry that I wrote so much. I hope you didn't read this all in one sitting. And I also hope that you weren't bored. I tried to be consistent, but there's so much. I actually went back and read the prequel to this to make sure I got everything straight.

3. THE SONG. It's actually funny. You just have to know it. This chapter was orginally a group of women complaining about the men in their lives and it turned out to be much more than that. The lyrics didn't really fit anymore but I decided to leave them in anyway because it's funny.

NEXT TIME: Alex, Izzie, and Meredith plan Addison's surprise. This chapter is funny too. Addison isn't in it. I decided to give KDub a break. The next chapter also brings us into an arc that will end this fic. :(

Guess what? The reviews last time ROCKED. You guys are the best. See what happens when you review? I update fast.


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